Honesty Hangover

A recent conversation with my sister and brother-in-law brought thoughts to mind about a concept I have often discussed with my patients over my thirty four years of practicing psychotherapy. I should mention that I have a very close and honest relationship with both of them. What did we discuss? When is it best to be honest with those close to you, and when might it be counterproductive?

Isn't it always good to say everything you think and feel? Isn't it best to get your true feelings out and not hold back? To have a "real" relationship and be true to yourself, don't you need to "share" what is really going on inside of you? Doesn't unexpressed or repressed anger cause possible physical problems? I would answer no to all of the above.

I've often said to patients that the only person, to whom they can say everything they think and feel, is to me. This includes things they think and feel about me, as that is one of the curative parts of psychotherapy. In some ways this is a luxury that no other relationship provides. A necessary part of psychodynamic psychotherapy is to get in touch with all the raw emotions and truths they feel about themselves, others around them, their history, their present day situations and relationships. For those individuals not in psychotherapy, the ability to truly acknowledge to themselves all thoughts and feelings, determine what might be faulty thinking, and then decide how and when to deal with them is advisable.

But it is not always best to say what you discover. Learning if, when, and how to let a loved one know what you are feeling and thinking is extremely important. How many times has each one of us walked away from a situation saying to ourselves "I wish I had said ...", or "I wished I hadn't said...?

The Ifs

• Ask yourself what is the intent of your communication? Is it to help someone get to know you better? Or to improve or change some dynamic in the relationship? Or, is it just to prove a point and make the other person feel bad, so you can feel better?
• What are the possible consequences of speaking your truth? What are the possible consequences of not speaking it?

If you know that your motivations are going to enrich or improve the situation, and are willing to accept possible consequences, go for it!

The When

• Timing is everything. If situation is not dangerous, waiting until your thoughts and feelings about an emotionally charged topic are clear can be helpful. Often people reflexively respond out of habit, a sense of self righteousness, or because they have difficulty tolerating or sitting with feelings that make them uncomfortable.
• Make sure that the person you want to talk to is emotionally available at that time- ex. talking to someone about a drinking problem while they are drunk, or sharing a personal anxiety or insecurity with someone who may be anxious at that moment themselves, will not get you the result you desire.

Since your goal is to improve the situation, making sure the person is in the right frame of mind to hear what you say is imperative.

The How

• The "hows" will be influenced by what information is being shared. Is it something personal that is difficult to talk about? Something embarrassing that you want kept private? Choose wisely whom you decide to tell or ask advice from, and possibly even state some of your concerns at the beginning.
• Use "I" statements about your feelings, especially when it involves something someone might have done that has upset you. "You" statements set off a defensive reaction and can be experienced as an attack.

How you communicate your message will impact how it is received.

As we begin 2012, don't let an "honesty hangover" ruin your day. Let your truth help make for a better year.