Managing Your Relationship Expectations

In any romantic relationship, managing expectations is crucial for maintaining harmony and satisfaction. Unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration, resentment, and conflict, while well-managed expectations foster mutual understanding and growth.

Yet, oddly enough, many couples don’t discuss the expectations they hold. Sometimes this is due to not having identified and articulated those expectations in our own minds. Often it’s because talking about them is uncomfortable or even threatening.

But the problem with not having that kind of awareness and communication is that it almost inevitably leads to conflict. Partners cannot reasonably expect the other person to read their mind, yet often that’s exactly what happens—and when it does, pain, resentment, anger, and more start brewing underneath the surface of the couple’s interactions.

Expectations in relationships encompass beliefs about how partners should behave, communicate, and fulfill roles. They are shaped by personal experiences, societal norms, and cultural backgrounds. Research indicates that mismatched expectations are a significant source of relational dissatisfaction (Holmes & Murray, 1996).

What we presume a relationship will look like shapes our contribution to the partnership. Expectations of a relationship are inherently subjective and biased, and if all partners assume the other person automatically knows and agrees with their expectations without ever having a conversation about it, those expectations will likely lead to tension in the relationship.

Unrealistic expectations can create a sense of constant disappointment. When partners fail to meet these expectations, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Couples with unrealistic optimism about their relationship have been found to be more likely to experience declines in marital satisfaction over time.

The good news is that you can learn to identify, share, and manage your expectations of each other in such a way that both parties’ needs are met.

The Past As Key to the Present

Your relationship expectations are often guided by other relationships you’ve observed or been in. For many of us, our first understanding of a couple’s interactions came through observing our parents’ marriage.

When there’s a high amount of conflict between parents, children are more likely to struggle with depression and anxiety, whereas when parents’ relationship quality is high, children tend to show higher levels of psychological well-being. Those impressions feed into later expectations children have as they enter into their own committed relationships.

If your parents’ relationship was characterized by conflict and hostility, you may either see that as normal—or react strongly against it. Either extreme can be detrimental to your relationship.

The culture in which you grew up also influences what you expect from your partner. Even if we ourselves don’t necessarily agree with cultural expectations, they are part of us and difficult to separate out. You may have different attitudes toward household tasks, mealtimes, communication norms, cuisines, and more.

Expectations Come in All Shapes and Sizes

We all seem to believe that because our partners love us, they know how to love us. The specifics can be as unimportant as taking out the trash at night, or as enormous as discovering one partner wants children and another does not. But there are some areas we can identify that are common for unspoken expectations:

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• Sex: Talking about expectations around frequency of sex, satisfaction, likes and dislikes, triggers, and sexual desires in a shame-free manner can clarify your expectations and make them plain for your partner.
• Money: Without a regular dialogue about money, couples can find themselves in conflict. Do any of you come in the relationship with debt? How is money managed and handled? Do you have a joint account? Who do you expect should pay the bills? Who should make financial decisions? What are your priorities around money, and how do they compare to those of your partner?
• What your partner(s) does for you: A relationship is made up of different people with different backgrounds, interests, and passions. Expecting your partner to be your “everything” is placing a heavy burden on them, one that simply isn’t realistic. Your partner will not necessarily enjoy the same activities, embrace the same priorities, or even share your boundaries. Many people not only assume that their partner will always be in sync with them, but will also blame the partner when they are not. Again, this leads to resentment and concealed conflict.
• How you parent: You may have discussed having children when you first got together, but did you talk about what values, rules, and goals—or lack thereof—you have for your family? Being specific will spare you pain when your partner doesn’t attach the same importance to picking up toys or exhibiting good manners as you might.

Expectations Can Be Tough to Manage

What is asking too much? What is asking too little? Where are my boundaries? Where are my partner’s boundaries? It can be difficult to answer these questions, especially in the heat of an argument—or the frozen tundra of resentment.

It would be nice if we could all expect a safe relationship that has love, care, affection, and loyalty; what we can’t expect is only happiness and no conflicts. We can also all expect that our needs and those of our partners might change over time, and that compromise will often be an important tool in keeping our relationships safe and vibrant.

What Can We Do to Manage Expectations?

The first step is to distinguish between what each of you wants and what each of you needs. This can be as simple as making a list: here’s what I thought our life would be like together. When you bring your lists together, you can find the places where you’re in synch—and identify spaces where you might need a little more communication and possibly negotiation.

Along with that, the best skill you can bring to this situation is clarity. Tell your partner exactly what it is you need. Listen to what your partner tells you they need. If your non-negotiables are radically different, it may be time to seek a third party to help you sort what can be done; therapy is always a great option and can be very helpful in these situations.

As you’re thinking about your own priorities and your expectations of your partner, look at the broader context. They may be experiencing pressure at work, from family, or financially that is affecting their behavior—and the same could be true of you as well.

Finally, remember that part of this understanding is around power and control in the relationship. Deciding how decisions will be made and revisiting that agreement is essential for a healthy relationship.

Conclusions

We all have expectations of our partners in many areas, some of which might not even be conscious. Becoming aware of our own expectations and those of our partners is a first step in putting the relationship first. We may even find that some are unrealistic, outdated, or hard for our partner to fulfill.

Communicating them and negotiating around them—making them clear—will keep us from blaming our partners when they don’t meet our expectations. But allowing for change is a very big part of relationships success: no one is the same person they were at, say, 25. Communicating who you are and what you need, and just as importantly hearing your partner’s self-identification and needs, has to be an ongoing conversation.

Managing relationship expectations is an ongoing process that requires effort, understanding, and flexibility. By engaging in open communication, cultivating realistic views, practicing empathy, and being adaptable, couples can foster healthier and more satisfying relationships. Remember, it's not about having no expectations—but about managing them in a way that supports mutual growth and happiness.