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Relationships
What Do Women Want From Men?
Responding to the crisis of connection between women and men.
Posted June 5, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Women routinely show men what they want in a relationship.
- Many men ignore those messages in favor of rigid, restrictive gender role expectations.
- If men listen to what women say that they want, they are likely to experience greater intimacy and happiness.
This post was co-authored by Ryon C. McDermott and Ronald F. Levant.
Many heterosexual men yearn to know what women want and how to get their girlfriends or wives to be more sexual. There is a billion-dollar marriage counseling industry built around these issues. Yet the answer is right before their eyes.
The other day, we were stuck in the TikTok universe and came across a video that got us thinking about what women want in their romantic relationships with men. A young woman dressed in scrubs filmed what she came home to after a 10-hour shift at the hospital. She documented how her husband had cleaned the house, folded all the laundry, washed the dishes, and even had her pajamas on the bed, waiting next to a glass of wine—all for her.
The video was not particularly remarkable. The young woman had a lovely home and a husband who enjoyed expressing his love through acts of service. What amazed us were the comments, especially the gender differences.
Overall, the men made fun of the woman's husband. They questioned his masculinity for doing so much for his wife. Their responses doubled down on restrictive gender role stereotypes and echoed some of the messages coming to men and boys from social media influencers. Some men praised the husband for being a thoughtful partner, but these comments were few and far between.
This man, who was doing domestic chores and being a loving, respectful partner, offended many of the men who commented on the video. Clearly, somebody had called the Masculinity Police, and they arrived with a SWAT team of emasculating insults. The message from the men was clear: "You need to man up!"
In stark contrast to the men, the women were highly enthusiastic. More importantly, they urged the young woman to "sex that man immediately." They made it clear that this was a "good man" and deserved a reward for his thoughtfulness. One woman even commented, "He left nothing left for you to do but him!" These comments are not outliers. A study of 1,300 couples found that when men make more contributions to domestic chores (e.g., cleaning, cooking), they have more and better sex.
As we read through these comments and noticed the striking gender differences in content, we kept thinking about how women routinely show men what they want in a relationship. Still, many men ignore those messages in favor of rigid, restrictive gender role expectations that social scientists have consistently found to be harmful to men, women, and our entire society when rigidly followed or fully fulfilled.
What are these harmful and restrictive gender role expectations?
Some of the most common ones are the belief that men should be tough, dominant, unemotional, self-reliant, and hypersexual. These are stereotypes of men revolving around a belief that a "real man" should avoid anything even remotely considered to be feminine. This means that such valuable human capacities as empathy and compassion—the qualities demonstrated by the husband in the TikTok video—are strictly off-limits.
Research has shown that boys are socialized, often harshly, to conform to these expectations. The message sent to boys and men is that these qualities will help you get ahead (get the job, get the girl, get rich). The irony is that studies routinely demonstrate that many men who rigidly adhere to these beliefs struggle, especially when the healthy or adaptive option in a given situation is somehow seen as feminine.
Social scientists find that men and boys who reject restrictive masculinity stereotypes are happier and healthier. Yet, many men continue to feel pressure to "man up" in their intimate relationships. They get those messages from friends, family, romantic partners, and the media, and they learn to "police" other men's masculinity. Freeing boys and men from these rigid gender role expectations is one of the best and healthiest ways for them to attain the outcomes they desire (e.g., to get and keep the girl). Moreover, it will help end the cycle of policing masculinity.
Maybe someday, men will feel comfortable following the hints that women are giving them. One day, men will recognize that what women really want is a good partner and a man who is comfortable in his skin. Said another way, women want a man who makes them happy.
To all the men out there, we urge you to pay attention to what most women are saying they want in a partner and celebrate men who break rigid gender rules in the service of their relationship harmony. Everyone deserves to be happy and fulfilled in their relationships.
Ryon C. McDermott is the past president of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinities, a division of the American Psychological Association.
