Enough with All the Adultery Already!

Maybe it's just me, but adultery seems to be everywhere these days. For better or worse, we're all familiar with the misdeeds of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, "Jon and Kate," Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, and Mark Sanford. (This past weekend I was in a doctor's office and saw an old magazine with the cover story "Tiger's Troubles: Interview with the Other Woman." Woman, singular—those were the days!) There are dating websites that specialize in arranging extramarital liaisons, while marriage therapists try to help couples deal with the fallout, and divorce lawyers stand ready to clean up the mess if therapy fails.

(Now, I'm enough of a social scientist to know that increased recognition of some event does not imply increased frequency—it could simply be increased attention of the event. However, as my 7-year-old daughter would say, "but still!" So there.)

This really hit home when, just the other day, a good friend of mine told me about two mutual acquaintances of ours that are, shall we say, more than "mutually acquainted" with each other. It would be an understatement to say that I never ever thought these two people would be involved with each other. I can't say I know either of them very well; it's more that I simply don't think of people I know indulging in affairs.

Of course, by the law of averages, and assuming I don't run with an exceptionally upright and faithful crowd (though perhaps I thought I did!), some of the people I know must be cheating. But I would never imagine it unless someone (like my friend) told me about it, especially if the relationship is mainly pjhysical (as opposed to emotional).

I guess I better understand—dare I say sympathize?—when someone has an affair to make up for a lack of emotional intimacy in his or her marriage, and less when the affair is purely sexual. I suppose that implies that I believe affection, caring, and closeness are more important human needs than sex is, and such an inference would be correct. If I had to choose between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, I would choose the former, no doubt, no hesitation, final answer Regis (or Meredith). To me, love (even without sex) feeds the soul in a way that sex (without love) does not. The pleasure of casual sex may be intense but is fleeting; while it lasts, love constantly nurtures you in a warm blanket of knowing another person cares about you in a way he or she cares about little else. (Who, me a hopeless romantic? Nah...)

Adultery carries enormous risks, chiefly the possible (or probable) loss of your marriage or primary relationship, less contact with your children, alienation from friends (and perhaps even family), loss of reputation, and, if you're wealthy, a good chunk of that wealth. So it stands to reason that one would only risk these negative consequences for a very good reason, and in my opinion, only the need for emotional intimacy would be a good enough reason. (Not "good" in a moral sense, mind you—just in a cost-benefit sense.) That's why I'm so astounded by wealthy, powerful, or famous people having purely sexual affairs, given how much more they have to lose. (Again, I'm not saying that the immorality of adultery depends on the cheater's wealth, power, or fame. I'm not discussing morality at all right now—later, later. Or see here for a related discussion.)

Hey, I remember what it was like to be a teenager, when sex was the only (sex) thing (sex) I thought (sex) about (sex sex SEX!). But I'm not a teenager anymore, and neither are any of the people mentioned above, including my two all-too-acquainted acquaintances. Sex is still an important part of life, but it is not the only important thing (as it seemed when we were teenagers). I would hope part of being an adult means you can think with the stuff on your shoulders rather than the stuff between your legs, and put sex in its proper perspective.

Yes, I'm familiar enough with behavioral economics to realize that decision-making faculties are often impaired in the face of highly salient—uh, stimuli. But if you know that you are particularly drawn to cocktail waitresses, and being around cocktail waitresses involves too much temptation to resist, here's a tip—go get some coffee instead.

UPDATE: See this post for a discussion of the ethics of adultery.