How Couples Can End Recurring Arguments

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You and your partner are desperate to get back to happier times. Maybe you focus on what you can do to make your partner happy. You get them a gift that you think they will love. You do those chores you’ve been slacking on. You try to be everything they want you to be… or get them to be what you want. Sadly, though, even when you make progress in these areas, and things seem better for a time, the arguments and tensions always return. It’s maddening and disheartening.

What you need to know is that these problems are not necessarily inevitable. There is a way of understanding your lack of progress, and there is real hope to get back to a loving relationship.

Refocus on Your Love

If you both have really been trying to improve your relationship, then in all likelihood, you are probably feeling stuck; maybe you've even lost touch with the love you've felt for each other. Yes, you may still love your partner. But do you really know and attend to their experiences? Can you see the world through their eyes and understand it through their feelings? Do you have empathy and feel compassion for them, even when your perspective of how they have acted leaves you suffering? If not, then you have found the essential problem. Of course, they might not deserve a loving response in a particualr circumstance. That’s fine. Be angry, withdrawn, or whatever else feels appropriate. But if you want to continue in the relationship, there comes a point when you need to step back into it in a caring way. (Or maybe it is your partner who is unable to empathize and must work on this.)

To nurture emotional closeness and heal your relationship, it is essential for you both to feel cared about by the other. This might seem fairly obvious, but couples often end up battling as they each demand to be heard first. The only way around this stalemate is for one person to put aside their complaints and show up for their partner. That means not responding with, Yeah, but… When a partner feels cared about, they will hopefully be able to lower their defenses and be more open to listening to the other’s experience. (For more on how to put aside your upset, at least temporarily, and listen to your partner, watch my brief video, embedded below:

Nurture Your Love With Attention to Positives

Importantly, placating each other is not a long-term solution. Neither is avoiding important topics where you conflict. Partners inevitably have differences that can be points of conflict. But when they generally focus on the positives they find in each other, they strengthen the loving foundation of their relationship. They become naturally more forgiving of mistakes and differences become less threatening. It is also easier for the partners to keep the love and respect they have for each other central in their minds. This perspective allows them to remain teammates as they work together to problem-solve. With love and respect, partners can continue to feel connected and close even as they navigate the inevitable troubled waters of a relationship.