A Public Apology by St. Paul’s School Looks Like a Good One

Last week brought what seems to be quite an effective apology from St Paul’s School. A former student, Lacy Crawford, had reported, as a 15-year-old, that she had been sexually assaulted by two male 18-year-old seniors. In response, school administrators not only did not hold the perpetrators accountable, they subjected Ms. Crawford to further, callous mistreatment. Her just-released memoir, Notes on a Silencing, details her experiences around the assaults and the school’s cruel-seeming indifference. Now, decades later, she has received a letter containing an apology. With her permission, I include words from her Twitter thread:

St Paul's School, Concord NH

Source: Suzanne Kreiter/Boston Globe Staff

“The apology is brilliant.” “The opening acknowledges the harm done to me without minimizing it and accepts responsibility without defensiveness, deflection, excuses, or explanations.” “The second graf acknowledges my experiences as I wrote of them – they have read my work – and makes it clear that the entire community shared a role in those events, that I am not the only victim of their wrongdoing and that the adults were the ones responsible.” “The last graf states their commitment to change and offers gratitude to me for sharing my experiences.” Ms. Crawford underscored the immense value of having her experience heard and honored.

On a different scale, but similar in effect, some of the most impressive apologies have been ones made on behalf of an entire community or country. While there is a ceremonial aspect to them, such words of regret are nonetheless important ones to speak and to hear, in the service of healing. When actions such as policy changes accompany the words, though, they take on even greater significance. It’s clear that public apologies are not the same as the private moments between partners, but the same framework often applies. Individuals and couples may be able to learn something from successful public statements, and those in the spotlight can learn something from what works between two people.

In my last post, I promised I would describe exemplary amends made by a politician. The current Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is a leader who’s demonstrated the necessary steps of a good apology more than once. For example, in 2018 he made an emotional statement to Parliament in which he itemized in detail the government’s harmful actions toward LGBTQ2 citizens. Repressive policies that began during the Cold War and continued into the 1990s destroyed many people’s lives and amounted to a “gay purge.” With evident feeling, he listed multiple offenses. After each one, he repeated “I am sorry” and “We are so very sorry.” (See below for how his speech was accompanied by further steps.)

A crucial lesson we can learn from Mr. Trudeau is how to say “I’m sorry” without complicating the message. As one observer, Liberal MP Rob Oliphant, a gay man, described, “There was no equivocation. There was no justification. There was no, ‘Well, we didn’t know things that we know now.’” Another witness, former naval officer Todd Ross, who’s been involved in a related class-action lawsuit, said, “It was something I needed to hear.” He went on: “It marks the beginning of healing for many people.”

When they acknowledge harms, leaders’ formal statements begin a kind of restitution, by setting the record straight. St. Paul’s School’s formal apology to Ms. Crawford similarly illustrates the power of thorough responsibility-taking.

Moreover, Mr. Trudeau enacted the other three steps necessary for an effective apology. First, before he apologized to LGBTQ2 citizens in public, he sought extensive information about the decades of mistreatment. Then, he made sure to clear the literal, official record: Laws that had prevented expunging specific criminal records were changed, allowing for past discriminatory convictions to be erased. Further, he ensured financial recompense for the families of those who’d lost their livelihoods. What these and other initiatives that accompanied his official statement did was begin to make actual reparations for the harms.

Healing can begin if someone states their regrets, but it can’t continue without actual restitution and change. This holds for many personal apologies, too. Like Prime Minister Trudeau and the leaders of St. Paul’s School, you may speak sincerely, but if you don’t also make the wrong right and enact real change, your words – however moving – mean much less. Let’s hope St. Paul’s follows through with further, real change.