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Key points
- Although single motherhood is common, it continues to be stigmatized.
- Single mothers who experience grief can still also experience pride.
- Single mothers may experience additional pressure to be a "perfect" parent.
- It is important for single mothers to be surrounded by people who can provide both logistical and emotional support.
There are 11 million single-parent families here in the U.S., and 80 percent of those are headed by a single mother. In fact, 40 percent of babies born in the U.S. are born to a mother who isn’t married, which does not necessarily mean she isn’t partnered… but often it does mean that. There are more women raising children by themselves than we probably know or think.
Two things are true at once:
- Single motherhood is incredibly common.
- Single motherhood continues to be stigmatized.
In our culture, we tend to do a lousy job celebrating differences as differences. In fact, we have a hard time celebrating differences at all. Those who are different often experience othering, and single mothers are no exception.
The analogy I often use is a garden of wildflowers. We would not look at that garden and say, “These flowers are better than those flowers,” but when it comes to people and families, we tend to turn differences into hierarchies: “These are better, and those are worse.” We have a tendency to believe that the way in which the patriarchy (veiled by terms like “tradition”) dictates things be done is the best way for things to be done. In ways large and small, we elevate two-parent families above single-parent families.
While there are many women who do not choose to be single mothers, there is also a modern movement in which women are actively deciding to have and raise children on their own. But regardless of the circumstance, women in either of these situations are often shamed because they have deviated from the societal norm. In the United States, in particular, we privilege a nuclear model of family over a communal, more extended model of family, making the logistics of single motherhood even tougher—single moms must singlehandedly build their own network of supportive structures. So I want to validate both the practical and emotional challenges of single motherhood.
One of my favorite relational self-awareness-building tools is working with “both/ands.” A “both/and” is a space where two seemingly contradictory things are true at the same time. Learning to hold onto both/and helps us feel healthy and strong within ourselves and in our relationships. I want to offer four both/ands for single mothers.
1. For single mothers by choice: My family is both not what society dictates it should be and is exactly what I want.
You have decided to raise children on your own. While this was a step that was completely your decision and is in line with your desires and goals, it can still be difficult to deal with the societal stigma of raising a child on your own. I want to honor that just because this was something you chose does not mean that the decision comes free of judgment from others. Just because you chose it does not make it easier. So all the more power to you! Tackling both societal pressure and staying true to ourselves is no easy feat.
2. For those who did not choose to be single mothers: My family is both not the way I envisioned it would be and whole as it is.
Many mothers do not choose to raise kids on their own. If you are a single mother as the result of a breakup or a divorce, I want to invite you to hold onto these two truths: My family system does not look the way I had imagined or hoped it would look, and my family system is whole and complete as it is. You get to carry both grief and pride. These are not mutually exclusive.
3. I am both imperfect and competent.
Earlier, I made the point that our culture holds a two-parent family as ideal/normal/best, which means that a single mother, by definition, is at risk of feeling “less than” as a parent, as if her relationship status is inherently detrimental to her children. “Stigma” of any kind is an asshole! It makes hard things harder.
Motherhood is hard. Period. As a mother, it is normal to worry constantly about whether we are doing a good enough job. For all mothers, especially single mothers, it is vital that we make this second both/and into a mantra: I am both imperfect and competent. There’s no such thing as a perfect mother. Only imperfect mothers who show up and try hard.
4. I feel both complete on my own and desirous of partnership.
Single moms can feel ambivalent about wanting intimate partnership, sometimes feeling like they “should” be solely focused on their career and their kids and not “needing” a partner. But there’s a world of difference between needing and wanting. Wanting a partnership is not a sign of weakness. Wanting a partnership does not mean that you’ll jump in full steam ahead with anyone who gives you a second glance. You get to feel both full in your life as it is and open to the possibilities of love if you so desire it.
As Hilary Clinton said, way back in the 1990s, it takes a village to raise a child. Kids need grown-ups who are available to shine on them, to celebrate them, and to protect them. As a single mother, I am sure that you are invested in creating and nurturing that village for your kids.
It also takes a village to nurture a single mother—a village that can remind you, if and when you forget, that you deserve to feel a sense of pride and enoughness for all that you do. Whether you are here by circumstances within or outside of your control, take a moment to recognize that you are a good enough mother.
