Getting in Intimacy-Sync With a Partner

A couple is out of sync when one partner wants a more intimate relationship while the other wants more time for self. When men and women are young, she is typically the partner who wants more intimacy; kissing, caressing, embracing, and cuddling may be more satisfying to her than intercourse. At midlife, she may develop a need for self-fulfillment that makes intimacy less important to her, while she also has increased sexual self-confidence and finds greater satisfaction in intercourse. Orgasm, more easily achieved, may take on a new significance in her erotic life. But now, inspired by his changing physiology, he wants more tenderness in their lovemaking, and more shared confidences in their afterplay. Intimacy has become more meaningful and important to him.

Early in the relationship, she may have complained he doesn't have enough "we" and too much "I." Now she is reveling in her "I" time, while he is craving more "we."

Shifting Desires

This sexual role-swapping is common, if perplexing, for a couple that finds themselves suddenly in opposite emotional positions. A recent study found that 61 percent of women under age 35 cited love as their primary reason for having sex but only 38 percent of women aged 36 to 57 said that. For men, the results were reversed: Only 31 percent of the younger men cited love as the primary reason for making love, but more than half the older men did (1). Another study found that women over age 40 placed a higher priority on erotic pleasures such as swimming in the nude and watching X-rated videos than other women or men in all age groups (2).

There are, of course, other contributing reasons for a couple being out of sync. They may be in different developmental phases, with one, for example, thriving in the workplace while the other flounders. One may have a better relationship with their teen or adult children than the other does. Or one may be in the emotional throes of dealing with ill or disabled parents, whereas the other's parents are in good health. In some couples, one has significant aging issues while the other seems to move easily into a new life stage.

What's common to all these situations? One partner needs more comfort and safety from the relationship, and the other, in a personal cycle of growth and stability, needs less. In every long-term relationship, the partners will almost surely experience some out-of-sync time. Balancing one partner's greater need for intimacy against the other's desire for self-fulfillment is an ongoing process. Here are some hints for doing that:

Accept Being Out of Sync

1. Don't expect the relationship to meet all your needs. Sometimes everyone has to provide his or her own comfort and solace in the face of disappointment, sadness, or frustration. People find that comfort in many different ways, including long walks with the family dog, hobbies, and sports. Some people turn to religion. Friends and relatives can also provide support. An intimate partner is more than a source of succor and not the only person whose companionship can make your burdens seem lighter.
2. Acknowledge your own (or your partner's) inner strength. Most people are not as fragile as they think they are during emotionally needy times. Recall how you have handled difficult situations or crises in the past. You are strong and resilient. (Or your partner is, and you can stop worrying so much about his or her temporary need for attention.)
3. Realize that being out of sync with your partner is normal. Couples that expect to remain on the same wavelength for life have unrealistic expectations. Long-term intimate partners may connect intensely or feel like two very familiar ships passing in the night. Both synchrony and time spent out of sync are necessary for healthy interaction.
4. Use the out-of-sync time for personal growth. This is a positive, useful time for both partners, not a traumatic event. Out-of-sync periods encourage couples to expand their individual coping skills and increase their ability to comfort themselves and develop personal hobbies and interests. Sometimes friendships and other family relationships are strengthened.

How to Reconnect in Bed

For some couples the most challenging aspect of being out of sync is dealing with their sexuality. Consider Jeff and Diane. "Jeff made a lot of money in a high-profile, high-pressure corporate job, so much money that he could afford to retire on his fiftieth birthday without us having to give up any of our lifestyle," says Diane, an artist who has a studio at home. "I was a little concerned about his retiring, because I was so used to his being gone, working 12-hour days, and traveling for days, even weeks at a time. We had separate lives, and suddenly we were going to put them together. I was afraid he'd get bored playing golf and would drive me nuts looking for attention. Surprisingly, he was fine. He became involved in volunteer projects, began doing a little consulting work, and by the time he’d been 'retired' six months he was so busy and happy in his new life, I felt left behind.

"He was more interested in lovemaking than he'd been since we were first married. I was always pushing him off, telling him I was too busy with my work or too tired. One afternoon he came out to my studio with a picnic basket, including a bottle of chilled champagne and two glasses. I started crying and couldn't stop. He insisted I make an appointment with my doctor."

After her internist could find no physical reason for Diane's mild depression and lack of libido, she recommended counseling. In therapy, Diane quickly came to terms with her problem: She felt old because her husband was retired. And old people didn't have sex.

"My mother was 65 and my father was 69 when he retired," she says. "When Jeff retired, I was suddenly catapulted into old age. I hadn't realized how many negative attitudes I had about aging until then. It took me a while to be comfortable with Jeff's increased sex drive and my own suppressed sexual feelings, but now I am. We celebrated the first anniversary of his retirement by taking a romantic cruise. This may sound like a cliché, but we had the best sex of our lives."

3 Steps for Getting in Sexual Sync

1. Become More Verbally Intimate. If you want more affection, a certain type of caress, more oral sex, more frequent lovemaking—ask. Many people find it difficult to ask for what they want sexually because they believe their longtime partners should know. But they don't always. Would you like to add a degree of wildness to your lovemaking? Talk about your fantasies and secret wishes. The more verbal you can be about your desires, the more likely you are to realize them.
2. Learn How to Say No. It is possible to say no to sex or a certain sex act without rejecting your partner of feeling guilty. Hearing an unqualified and unexplained negative response can feel like being hit with a weapon. The recipient is wounded; the refuser is guilt-ridden or angry at being "made" to feel guilty. Explain your refusal even if you aren't quite sure of the reasons yourself. "I don't know why I'm not in the mood for lovemaking, but I'm not" is preferable to simply saying no. Some people say no in nonverbal ways, like his repeatedly being unable to get an erection or her being unable to reach orgasm in encounter after encounter. These are hurtful and damaging ways of denying a partner.
3. Respond to a Partner's Emotional Needs. Take care of the often-unexpressed feelings and the sex will follow. The best way to a man's (or woman's) heart may not necessarily be the stomach, but the best way to his or her genitals certainly may be the heart. You probably can't use reason to bring an out-of-sync (and sexually detached) partner around to a more positive way of thinking, but you can help him or her feel their way back to erotic life. What are your partner's emotional needs? And what can you do to help meet them?