Being Honest in Your Relationship Is Not What You Think

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Sometimes, couples argue over truth—who said what, the tone of the words, or what was agreed upon. Although it is fair to want honesty in each other’s words, truth in an intimate relationship is a bigger issue. For example, a partner might be defensive and rude, saying something like “I am really tired.” They might be tired, but the excuse is an evasion of responsibility that is not the whole story. They might minimize details or distort the other's words with emotion.

Conversely, when spouses seek accuracy and truth, things go better. This goes beyond just trying to be honest in words. For example, when one partner says, “I am sorry I was grumpy; I was not in a good place to hear your side, I am open to your perspective now,” they are attempting to sort through what occurred in a fair and accurate way. Couples who are seeking this bigger type of honesty are more likely to improve together, to own their actions, and to understand themselves and their partner.

Honesty and Change

Honesty includes admitting your own intentions and trying to understand your actions in the relationship. This “meta-honesty” (honesty about your level of honesty) includes an ongoing evaluation of your motives and behavior. When a partner admits that they overreacted or misrepresented something, it prevents issues from being swept under the rug, which keeps the relationship from growing distant. Honesty also brings concerns to light, where they are dealt with. This happened with Raji, who was a driven manager climbing the corporate ladder. She struggled with prescription medication abuse and the shame that accompanied it. She described herself as a “genius” at hiding evidence and getting more meds. It took months of therapy before she admitted that it was her main reason for coming in. When she finally revealed her struggle, real change began.

Honesty and Accountability

People are more honest when they are accountable to another. You are less likely to give a lousy tip at the café when you are together, and more likely to make better choices with personal habits when someone is there to encourage you. Children are an accountability factor as well. A while ago, the phone rang and my son picked it up. I heard him say, “You want Dr. Whiting?” I saw this and cringed, because when someone calls for Dr. Whiting at dinner, it is usually a chipper undergraduate student looking for an alumni donation. He saw my expression, and said, “Uh, he isn’t available right now.” Dang. I didn’t want to take the call, but I didn’t want him to lie either. So we had a good conversation about morality and telemarketing.

When people think about the importance of the other person, they are more likely to be honest. Take the example of my clients, whom I will call Eli and Molly. Eli slept with Molly’s best friend during a tumultuous early period of their relationship. There had been substance abuse on both sides and a lot of lying. Nevertheless, they came through this stretch determined to work things out. But little things kept derailing them. Eli came in one day, defeated. “I told Molly I had paid the cell phone bill,” he said, “but I hadn’t gotten to it yet. She went insane when she found out! This was no big deal!” What Eli didn’t realize was that her reaction wasn’t about the phone bill. His willingness to evade was an indicator of whether he would put her first. Each small indiscretion reverberated loudly because she was still recovering from his affair. Once he understood this, he was more honest, even with minor issues. When he thought about his love for Molly, he put her reassurance higher than his need to put on a front.

Honesty With Tact and Right Motivation

Each time Eli and Molly bumped up against something in their relationship, they had an opportunity to reflect upon their motives, slow things down, and have a conversation. Once, Eli promised Molly that he would make dinner for the family before she came home, but he forgot until the last minute, and quickly made waffles, but they were so hard they would gag a goat. Molly was mad, but, to her credit, she sorted through her emotions and came to a better place. Her first thoughts were: “He only cares about his own stuff, not the family.” However, she then realized that she was stressed and was interpreting events personally, as if Eli burnt the waffles just to stick it to her. Upon further reflection, she realized he had been working on some other things that she had asked him to do and had genuinely tried to come up with food as promised. Although Eli picked up on her annoyance at dinner, when they talked about it afterward, she admitted that she was out of line, and they ended up laughing about it, much to Eli’s relief.

Molly’s motivation changed from wanting to blame to wanting to find the truth about her feelings. This takes a willingness to step back and diagnose what is causing strong emotions. One woman admitted to our research team that she would throw her husband under the bus in therapy. She said: “If a situation gets brought up in counseling, I will blow it out of proportion sometimes or say things that I’m pretty sure aren’t even true…to make [him] angry or feel bad about the things he did.” I did this once when my teenage son once cooked himself a plate of bacon. I was irritated and told him he had taken too much and needed to be more considerate of his younger siblings, because they wouldn’t get any. He was annoyed, but as I thought about our interaction, I realized that my accusation wasn’t really true. I saw his bacon and wanted some myself.

Thoughtful self-honesty reveals who you really are and helps you know your strengths and limitations. Doing this helps you live with more integrity in all aspects of life. I sometimes see clients who are caustic or unethical in their profession, and, not surprisingly, they are having trouble at home. It is hard to be ruthless and dishonest in the office and kind and decent at home. It is better to live congruent with your internal moral compass than it is to go against values or project a fake image. Being untrue and fake leaves you feeling worse. Brené Brown said, “Trying to co-opt or win over someone…is always a mistake, because it means trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in your worthiness and start hustling for it.”

When you are honest you find peace of mind and closeness with others. This is how character is formed, through thousands of small decisions that occur with loved ones. It is better for you and your relationships to authentically live the life you have than create a phony one, and this is a part of seeking honesty together.