Why Am I Avoiding My Partner if I Love Them?

When partners avoid each other, either consciously or unconsciously, there is typically a deeper reason underneath. So when couples aren’t choosing to make time for each other, they need to explore what is behind the resistance, reluctance, or lack of effort.

For example, Jenny and Stefan were two kind and loving 30-year-olds. Jenny desperately wanted to spend more time with Stefan but would often stop herself from doing so. One week, Jenny came to our session and talked about her goals: She wanted to say yes to dates with Stefan, have more intimate conversations with him, and have more physical touch. We set up a schedule and structure for doing these things. But despite being genuinely motivated, Jenny didn’t follow through. The next week, she came to our session and told me she hadn’t said yes to any dates with Stefan, failed to have more intimate conversations with him, and denied having more physical touch.

We explored this resistance, and eventually, after several sessions, Jenny felt safe enough to admit that she had been sexually abused as a child. Even though she desperately wanted to spend more time with Stefan, it was terrifying to her. Remaining aloof meant no one could hurt her, physically or emotionally. This reaction, and her resistance to spending more time with Stefan, was understandable, given her trauma, but Jenny also wanted to overcome her fear. After long and hard work on Jenny’s part, we processed her trauma together, and Jenny was able to start spending more time with Stefan.

If you and your partner are hesitant to spend more time together, explore this resistance. Ask yourself and each other what reason either of you may have for not wanting to spend more time together.

Here are three common issues along with solutions for addressing them:

Fear of Intimacy

Is the problem rooted in a fear of intimacy? Could it be fear that being emotionally close carries the expectation of physical intimacy? Are you afraid that if you spend time together you will have to talk about certain topics that one or both of you don’t feel like discussing?

One way to address this is to tell your partner exactly what you want. Set specific boundaries and expectations. For example, you might say, “I want to spend the day with you, but right now I’m not ready to be physically intimate. Is it OK if we just spend the day together with no pressure to have sex afterward?” Make sure to ask your partner if they agree with your request. Or you might say, “I am really excited to go on a road trip with you. Is it OK if we don’t talk about my mother on this trip? That topic upsets me and I want to have fun with you.”

Ongoing Frustrations

Consider if there is something your partner is doing that frustrates or bothers you. Are there issues or behaviors causing ongoing irritations, particularly anything that you haven’t voiced before and that your partner might not be aware of?

If you recognize a habit that you don’t like, address it directly and, if appropriate, ask your partner to stop. For instance: “I am really looking forward to our road trip, but can you please put your phone away while driving? When you focus on your phone, I get anxious and don’t feel safe, and it gets in the way of enjoying your company.” Or if you sense that your partner is frustrated, ask them directly, “Is there something that I do that bothers you that I may not be aware of?” The answer might be hard to hear, but it could also be something that you never knew upset your partner, and now you can clear the air and start spending more time together.

Lingering Resentments

Are you holding on to any resentments with your partner? Do you think they are holding a grudge about something you have done?

Resentments toward a partner usually relate to some hurt in the past that a partner can’t let go of or forgive. Depending on what it is, if this is something you feel, can you recognize the source of resentment and decide now to practice forgiveness and let it go? Would you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your partner? A partner might be unaware of resentments, they might feel their partner’s anger but not know what it relates to, or they might know but be afraid to address it, express remorse, and ask for forgiveness. Obviously, this may involve a deeper conversation and calls for addressing the resentments.

If we can explore the resistance we can work through ways of making our partner feel like a priority again. Some weeks you may be able to put in more effort than other weeks, and that’s OK. Life is about achieving a successful balance. The key to making time for your partner is for both of you to work toward this goal consistently.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.