Every Parent's Biggest Regret

As parents, we invest years nurturing our children, guiding them through their formative years, and instilling in them values and principles we hold dear. However, one of the most profound regrets many parents have as their children reach adulthood is not fully recognizing and accepting that they are their own person. This realization often comes with the acknowledgment that our adult children have unique personalities, dreams, and paths that may differ significantly from our own.

During the research for my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, and through my parent coaching experience, I've observed that well-meaning parents frequently struggle to see their adult children as individuals with their own identities. This can lead to misunderstandings, strained relationships, and frustration. Let's consider a few examples below.

Case Scenarios

Olivia and Jake: Olivia always envisioned her son Jake becoming a doctor like his grandfather. However, Jake's passion lay in the arts. When Jake decided to pursue a career in graphic design, Olivia struggled to accept this, feeling that Jake was wasting his potential. For years, their relationship was marked by tension and arguments.

Olivia constantly compared Jake to family members who had pursued more "traditional" careers. Only after Jake succeeded in his field and Olivia saw the joy and fulfillment it brought him did she begin to understand. She realized that supporting Jake's dreams was the best way to maintain a healthy relationship and that Jake's happiness was more important than adhering to her expectations.

Tom and Emma: Tom is a successful entrepreneur who contacted me for coaching. Tom expected his daughter Emma to follow in his footsteps and take over the family business. Emma, however, was passionate about social work and dedicated her life to helping underprivileged communities.

Initially, Tom saw this as a rejection of his legacy and a waste of Emma's potential. He often tried to persuade her to reconsider, emphasizing the family business's stability and prestige. Over time, with open communication and much patience, Tom began to see the impact Emma was making in her field. He learned to respect Emma's choice and admire her dedication to helping others, realizing that her success could not be measured by traditional metrics alone.

Susan and Mark: Susan always prided herself on her disciplined lifestyle and expected her son Mark to mirror her values. Mark, however, was more laid-back and spontaneous, thriving in an environment that allowed him flexibility and creativity. Susan's constant criticism of Mark's choices, such as his decision to travel extensively and work freelance, led to him distancing himself.

Realizing the growing gap, Susan worked on understanding and appreciating Mark's approach to life. She began to see the benefits of his choices, including the rich experiences and broad perspective he gained. This shift in mindset led to a more harmonious relationship where Mark felt supported and understood.

9 Tips to Show You Accept Your Adult Child for Who They Are

1. Listen Actively. In Tom's example above, he tried to listen to Emma's aspirations and concerns. This means listening without immediately offering advice or passing judgment. Doing so shows that you respect your child's perspective and can validate their feelings.
2. Embrace Their Individuality. Acknowledge and celebrate the differences between you and your children. Understand that their unique traits and interests make them who they are. This can be as simple as showing interest in their hobbies or supporting their career choices.
3. Communicate Openly. Foster an environment where open and honest communication is encouraged. Let your children know they can express themselves without fearing disappointment or rejection. Practice active listening and show empathy in your responses.
4. Offer Support, Not Control. Support their decisions, even if they differ from what you would have chosen. In the case of Susan above, she avoided trying to control Mark's choices and instead offered guidance when asked. Remember, your role is to provide a safety net, not a cage.
5. Reflect on Your Expectations. Take a step back and evaluate whether your expectations are based on your desires or your children's best interests. Adjust your expectations to align with their goals and dreams. This may require letting go of long-held beliefs about what success looks like.
6. Seek to Understand. Make a conscious effort to understand their perspective. As mentioned above, Olivia asked Jake questions and engaged in conversations that helped her see the world through his eyes. This can lead to greater empathy and a stronger emotional connection.
7. Encourage Independence. Encourage your children to make decisions and take responsibility for their lives. This will help them grow into confident and self-reliant adults. Celebrate their successes and be a source of comfort during their failures.
8. Practice Patience and Flexibility. Understand that your children’s paths may not be linear or predictable. Be patient with their decisions and flexible in your support. Life's journey is often filled with unexpected twists and turns, and your adaptability can be a source of strength for them.
9. Acknowledge Your Growth. Recognize that your children are growing and evolving, and so are you. Embrace the opportunity to learn from them and develop your understanding and acceptance. This mutual growth can lead to a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

The parenting journey doesn’t end when our children become adults. It evolves into a new phase where our role is to support, understand, and appreciate them as the unique individuals they are. By doing so, we can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships with our adult children, free from the regret of not seeing them for who they are. Embracing this approach enriches our relationships and allows our children to thrive, knowing they are loved and accepted for their true selves.