Don't Be a Slave to the Cyber Monday Crawl!

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This past week, my email inbox was flooded with shopping emails and notifications from retailers. A frenzy of buy, buy, prices slashed, 40 percent discount on clothes, shoes, fitness packages, hotel and airline deals, sports and home equipment, technology—you name it and there was a deal to be had!

I'll admit it, I do love stuff! As far back as I can remember, books, music, and clothes have been my thing. I loved having more of them, and distinctly remember having a hard time throwing things away. "I may need it later", or "this will always be a memory of ..." were some of the things I used to say to justify holding onto things. And so, stuff started to mean something to me. And I found meaning in stuff.

Turns out, I am not alone in my love for objects. The Federal Reserve Bank of New York announced in May 2017 that total household debt in the United States surpassed the peak level of $12.7 trillion. Although a lot of this accounts for student debt (almost 10.6 percent), and housing loans (71 percent), 9.2 percent is accounted for by auto loans (people possibly buying cars they cannot afford) and 6.0 percent in credit card debt!

Scrolling through rows and rows of emails, I scrambled towards my favorite items, acknowledging how hard it is to resist checking out the deal and if it's worth spending the money. My friend, on the other hand, browses websites and looks for specific things he wants. This year, he is in the market for a LED smart TV, even though his other one works just fine.

It's no wonder that our spending habits tend to indicate an unhealthy obsession with an acquisition. To want and own the next best thing, or the popular thing, or (at times) the expensive thing. Black Friday and Cyber Monday beckon to us as if they are a train we need to catch. Possessions tend to create the illusion of heralding our entry into the world. The "I've arrived" so to speak. The marker of our success and the source of unending joy and happiness. If only!

Because happiness seldom comes from things but from what they represent to us. Put another way, when we buy something, its value to us is more than the object's value itself. The bag is not just the bag but something that signals wealth, level of income, fashion mobility and more. The desire for a high-end wood burner in your home may come from the desire to be warm and comfortable but to buy the most elaborate, expensive one suggests the need for love, protection and possibly approval and envy of others.

Identifying our relationship with the thing we are about to buy, means asking the why question. "why do I want to buy this?" and sometimes "why have I always wanted this?" If the thing we want makes us feel good about ourselves in some way, this can then be a starting point for introspection and the need to think about our reliance on external objects to influence internal satisfaction.

The same holds true of the gifts we buy others. What does the particular present say about our feelings towards the other? Is it coming from a place of shame, guilt, reconciliation or compensation (in some cases overcompensation)?

So if like others, you've overindulged in shopping and gift buying this weekend and are ready to look more closely at your budget and shopping cart, here are some things to think about.

1. Is what I bought an essential or a want?

2. If this is truly a need, is there another alternative that I can be happy with? Maybe a prior model or less expensive version?

3. Do I actually believe that this "thing" will change the quality of my life in a way that I can afford in the long term?

4. Am I buying this (for myself or others) to distract or be rebellious towards other painful feelings I may be experiencing, such as emptiness, loss, grief, shame or guilt, instead of dealing and working through those feelings?

5. Am I making the choice to hold onto things as a way of finding meaning and value in my life?

6. Am I willing to live a life not encumbered and defined by "things?"

7. Can I derive some joy and satisfaction in knowing that the money I save keeps me from needing to work more, or have a second job?

These are questions you can ask yourself any time of the year when that desire to look for something big, shiny and new creeps up. Finding those receipts and heading towards returns and exchanges can be very empowering too. For me, it gives me the personal satisfaction of knowing that even though I may fall prey to the smart marketing, I still call the shots on my buying habits.​