One Great Thing to Do With a Terminally Ill Relative

When a loved one is critically ill, you may be at a loss as to what to say or how to help. A “get well soon” card may not be warranted for someone who is not likely to ever “get well.” Sitting with someone experiencing tremendous physical discomfort can be tough.

One of the most significant ways to connect with people experiencing serious illness is to encourage them to share stories from their past — to help them reminisce.

Storytelling can help people who are coping with illness, enduring awful treatments, or facing death connect with the brightest and most meaningful parts of their lives. Stories can transport them to another time or place and fill them with energy from a time when things felt lighter. Stories can help them laugh, recall happy or peaceful memories, or reflect on their accomplishments and relationships.

Studies have shown that storytelling has the potential to improve quality of life and help people feel less lonely. Research suggests that both the meaning of stories and the process of telling the stories are beneficial for people who are terminally ill.

Scholar Sarah Pederson recommends that people provide space for relatives who are at the end of life to tell stories and heighten attention to the stories that reflect that person's truth. Hospice social worker Christina Kulp writes that storytelling can help people feel a sense of connectedness, express their values, and reflect on their identity and the beautiful moments of their lives.

While asking about aspects of a relative's life, you may want to share your favorite stories about them, too.

Here are a few sample questions to encourage loved ones to reminisce:

• Tell me about growing up in X (in Alaska, on the south side of Chicago, in the mountains). What were the families like on your block?
• What were your favorite parts of your job? What advice would you give someone who is going into your profession?
• What were some of your best memories from when you were a kid?
• If you could go back in time and have dinner with one person from your past, who would it be?
• Tell me about when you were in X (the Peace Corps, the army, the union, the factory, the police force, etc.).
• What were vacations like for you when you were growing up?
• Remember that time you (surprised X, gave X to me, danced with X at that party, did X) ...
• I was just thinking about how funny it was when you X. Remember that? What led up to that?
• Tell me about how you came to have your job. What other jobs did you have?
• What were some of your most memorable holidays?
• What was it like growing up with your brother/sister?
• What do you think were some of your parents’ best traits?
• What’s one skill you got really good at? What’s one thing you could never really get the hang of?
• What were a few of your favorite places you visited?

Some seriously ill people prefer not to reminisce, and that's fine. For others, reminiscing can bring a sense of peace and connection at a time when they're feeling terrible. As author and scholar SunWolf suggests, the phrase “once upon a time” allows people to take control of their lives in a way that biological interventions just can’t.

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