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Confidence
Is It Possible to Have Too Much Self-Confidence?
The double-edged sword of being confident.
Posted February 23, 2022 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Self-confidence is important, but many people are annoyingly over-confident and short on humility.
- Healthy self-doubt can allow us to be open to new information and to cultivate a wisdom that over-confident people don't have.
- Authentic self-confidence is based upon being authentic with ourselves and others.
Self-confidence is a good thing, right? Without robust self-confidence, we melt into a puddle and people will take advantage of us. We’ll be weak and pathetic, right? Well, yes and no.
Lack of confidence and nagging self-doubts can have a paralyzing effect on our lives, keeping us glued to the sticky wheel of insecurity. Doubting ourselves at every turn, we may become overly cautious, which stifles our creativity. We procrastinate because we’re afraid of failing. We don’t take the risks necessary to move forward in our lives.
Self-doubt is often a nagging remnant from our past. If we received shaming criticisms about our looks, intelligence, or abilities, we may have internalized the message that we’ll never succeed; we're just not good enough. So why bother? Without positive mirroring, our self-worth can go down the drain.
Frequent shaming leaves us with a sense of being inadequate and defective. We don’t raise our hand in class or offer our opinions at meetings. We fail to act boldly when we have choices to make, such as applying for a job, returning to college, or contacting someone we want to know better. We fear that if such actions don’t turn out well, it would confirm that we are indeed a failure.
Self-Doubt Can Serve Us
Self-doubt keeps us stuck. But can it also be a gift?
Self-doubt is a universal experience. We all have it to varying degrees. And that’s a good thing. People who never question themselves can become a danger to themselves and others. Think of certain politicians, autocratic rulers, or people you know who never doubt themselves—at least in public. Do you find them annoying? They cling to their convictions as if their lives (or fragile self-image) depended on it. They plow ahead, oblivious to the truth, others' needs, and the wounded bodies they leave behind. Humility is a foreign word to them; it's mistaken for weakness.
The Strength to Question Ourselves
Self-doubt is akin to healthy shame. A small amount of shame tells us when we’ve violated someone’s sensibilities and boundaries. Sociopaths have neither shame nor self-doubt. They have the deluded conviction that they’re right about everything. They pursue destructive behaviors without questioning themselves, until they inevitably hit a wall, perhaps losing friends, or finding themselves in divorce court or prison. Even when reality shines a light on our false beliefs and narratives, we might fail to take responsibility for our misguided opinions and personal shortcomings, stubbornly insisting that it’s someone else’s fault. Over-confident people are often masters of projection. They rarely turn the mirror towards themselves..
When we have too little self-doubt or shame, the words “I’m sorry,” “I blew it,” and “I made a mistake” rarely flow from our lips. Such words are inconsistent with our self-image; they are simply not part of our vocabulary. Self-doubt is a mortal threat to an insecure ego. We can see this especially clearly among autocratic, narcissistic leaders.
The desire to project strength often reflects a lack of true strength. What really requires strength is the courageous willingness to be authentic with ourselves and others. What we genuinely feel and think becomes more important than how we look. Living in the limiting world of appearances condemns us to a fragile, inauthentic existence. There’s no real intimacy without authenticity.
Authentic self-confidence is wed to our intention to be emotionally honest with ourselves. Rather than being consumed by considerations of how things will play out, we courageously pause and search inside for what truly resonates with our heart. And we’re not shy about getting reality checks from people we trust—asking for their thoughts, perceptions, and feedback to better discern whether we’re on the right track.
Life invites us to embrace a dynamic balance. Can we trust our intuitions and perceptions rather than constantly doubt ourselves? Can our self-confidence contain a healthy measure of self-questioning and ongoing inquiry? Can we act decisively when necessary rather than be paralyzed by endless research and questioning? Can we include trusted friends or advisers in our important decision-making—adding the wisdom of their experience to ours so that we don’t become too insulated or isolated?
Self-doubts are natural. It takes strength and maturity to embrace our doubts and work with them skillfully. But at some point, we need to act or take a stand. When we do so, it’s helpful to remain open to new information and discoveries that might prompt us to fine-tune our way forward. After all, life is a constant process of fine-tuning. Humility helps keep us grounded and on course.
© John Amodeo.
