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Relationships
Why It's So Common to Not Like a Person You Love
Just think of how hard time with parents and siblings can be.
Updated August 15, 2023 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Liking someone means that we feel emotionally safe with them, as well as a sense of ease.
- We tend to like people who have a high degree of emotional health and self-regulation.
- A spontaneous delight being with someone is a sign that we like them.
Have you ever considered that some of the people you love are not people you like? How can that be?
I will not presume to define what it means to love someone, other than to suggest that loving a person implies that we care about them and want them to be happy. We hold a fond place in our heart that appreciates them and we value the good things about the relationship.
What Does It Take to Like Someone?
It may sound strange, but it is often easier to love someone than to like them. Love can exist apart from our daily interactions with a person. When we think about them, we might feel a warm glow in our heart. We might experience affection, caring, and kindness toward them. But if we spend more than an hour with them, or perhaps more than two minutes, we might wonder why we scheduled so much time together.
Consider your relationship with your parents or siblings. Perhaps you have been blessed with ones who are understanding, kind, and supportive. If so, you might love them and like them. You enjoy their company, relish your time together, and look forward to calling them or visiting them on your vacation. If so, you are very blessed indeed!
But so often I hear stories from friends and from clients that they have fraught relationships with their relatives. They love them, but the relationship is far from nurturing. After a visit or phone call, they’re left feeling drained and depleted. They need ample recovery time. They may vow to spend less time together in the future. But their love and caring may later override that vow, until they’re reminded once again of how they just don’t like this person.
If this resonates with you, perhaps a relative, friend, or even your spouse may come to mind who you care about and love. But you just can’t handle being around them for very long.
We all have a need to be heard, valued, and supported. We long for a sense of ease with someone. Yet we never seem to get there with them. Oftentimes, the people closest to us have their own agenda for us. They may care about us, but they want us to be happy on their terms by telling us what to do, feel, or think. Or they'e so consumed by their own concerns and worries that they don’t have much bandwidth to attend to our feelings, needs, and concerns. As we begin to talk about ourselves, they may quickly turn the conversation toward themselves.
Ingredients Necessary to Like Someone
The foundation for liking someone is feeling emotionally safe with them. We feel comfortable talking with them or being quiet together; there's no pressure to keep the conversation going. We don’t feel compelled to guard our words or defend ourselves. We find it easy to be present with them. We can be serious, as well as lighthearted and humorous. We feel happy, engaged, and delighted being in their presence. A spontaneous delight being with a partner, friend, or relative is a telltale sign that we like them.
We tend to like people who are emotionally healthy, who have a high degree of self-worth and self-regulation, a pleasant disposition, and self-confidence without being arrogant and controlling. It’s more difficult to like people who are emotionally challenged. Without a healthy capacity for self-regulation, people are more likely to lash out with anger, sarcasm, and blaming. They are more prone to act out their feelings rather than express them in a non-violent, non-threatening way. People who are self-absorbed, consumed by shame, inauthentic, overly talkative without reciprocating by extending attention toward our world, or unwilling to show vulnerability are more challenging to like.
There may be more complexity as to why you might not like a person. Perhaps they embody a vulnerability that unsettles you because you have an aversion toward your own vulnerability. Perhaps they are more accomplished than you and you feel intimidated by them. Perhaps they remind you of a parent or former partner who you dislike. Or maybe they seem self-righteous and remind you too much of your own distasteful self-righteousness. Perhaps you dislike a friend who separated from their partner; you might actually be jealous because some part of you would like to do the same. As you uncover these shadowy aspects of why you don't like someone, something might shift inside you—and then between you.
I’m not suggesting that you eliminate people who you don’t like; it’s a blessing to have people in your life who you love and appreciate. But I do suggest that you stay open to connecting with people with whom you experience a spontaneous delight—and importantly, cultivating those qualities that you do like about others within yourself.
© John Amodeo.
Facebook image: Kateryna Onyshchuk/Shutterstock
