Why Calmness May Be the Most Exciting Part of Romance

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"I definitely need to date someone who is calm." —Freida Pinto

“Never know how much I love you…When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear.” —Peggy Lee

Intense romance may be fun and tempestuous, but in our fast-paced society, dynamic calmness may have become the most exciting feature of romantic relationships.

Excitement is a state of intense enthusiasm, typically present when feeling short-lived emotions. Excitement is a future-focused attitude that usually mobilizes energy by seeking out novelty and change while pursuing active goals. Romantic excitement, which is often described as a tempestuous blazing flame, creates feelings of interest, happiness, and enthusiasm. Betsy Prioleau argues that, “Love goes brackish in still waters. It needs to be stirred up with obstruction and difficulty and spiked with surprise…what’s granted is not wanted” (2003: 14). But these days, romantic excitement is extremely brief. As a mature divorced woman said, “Men’s excitement over me lasts as long as my make-up does. Their intense enthusiasm disappears the morning after, when my make-up dissolves.” One way of coping with the brief nature of excitement is by utilizing dynamic calmness.

Calmness refers to the absence of agitation, tension, distress or disturbance. When we say that the weather is calm, we mean that storms, high winds, or rough waves are not anticipated anytime soon. However, calmness does not mean only being free of these negative elements—it also includes positive aspects that enhance flourishing. Calmness relates to, but is not identical to, positive states of being, such as relaxation and patience. Relaxation, which is the state of feeling calm without anxiety or worry, is essential in love and sexuality; feeling stressed and anxious is harmful to love and sex. Calmness is essential to meaningful sex and sexual activities can relax the body by providing calmness (here). It was found that even merely holding hands with a loved one can instantaneously reduce blood pressure, heart rate, stress and increase relaxation (Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008). Calmness also relates to the virtue of patience, but whereas patience requires being able to wait for something without getting frustrated or upset, calmness does not imply waiting or inaction. Calmness is also mistakenly equated with indifference, yet, while indifference constitutes a lack of interest, in calmness, we experience a great deal of it.

Dynamic Calmness

“I discovered the wonder of love (new, brand new) with the discovery of a wonderful peacefulness that is flowering in me. All is quiet, calm, without stress and the upheaval of fear.” —Yehuda Ben-Ze’ev

Friedrich Kambartel (1989/2017) suggests that calmness requires acceptance: we do not strive to control things that are beyond our control, such as inalterable conditions of our life, other people, and ourselves. Calmness involves trust that the course of events beyond our control does not affect the meaning of our lives. Kambartel further argues that in practicing calmness, we are relieved of the endless, futile strain of trying to control things that we cannot change.

When describing emotions and moods, two basic continuums of the feeling dimension—the arousal continuum and the pleasantness continuum—are relevant. Robert Thayer (1996) suggests dividing the arousal continuum into two types: one that ranges from energy to tiredness, and the other from tense to calm. We then have four basic affective states: calm-energy, calm-tiredness, tense-energy, and tense-tiredness. Thayer considers the state of calm-energy as the most pleasant state, with tense-tiredness the most unpleasant. He notes that many people fail to distinguish between calm-energy and tense-energy, since they believe that whenever they are energetic, they experience a certain degree of tension. The idea of calm-energy is foreign to many Westerners, but is familiar to people from other parts of the world. Thayer refers to the Zen master Shunryu Suzuki (1970), who argues, “Calmness of mind does not mean you should stop your activity. Real calmness should be found in the activity itself. It is easy to feel calmness in inactivity, but calmness in activity is true calmness.” This kind of dynamic calmness can be found in meaningful intrinsic activities that promote balanced human flourishing (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

Calmness and Excitement in Sexual Encounters

“Mature calmness is exciting. I am so thrilled by the calmness and acceptance of my older lovers who focus on the moment without calculating future prospects.” —A young man who loves dating older women

Characterizing romantic love as a blazing fire makes sense when describing romantic sexual intensity. However, profound romantic calmness is associated with the profound trust of a loving relationship. Mindfulness, in which calmness is central, can indeed increase sexual and romantic satisfaction.

People want their romantic relationships to be exciting and dynamic; they want to feel fully alive. The motto of an online group “Married and Flirting” is “Married, Not Dead”; the group promises its members will “feel alive again.” At the same time, and paradoxically so, we want our romantic relationships to be calm and stable while maintaining their initial high intensity. This dilemma is really about whether enduring stable romantic relationships can be exhilarating or whether they are doomed to die (Ben-Ze’ev, 2023). Must romantic love be brief and stormy in order to be stimulating? If we believe that profound intrinsic activities can be both dynamic and exciting, then enduring love can be vibrant and stimulating.

Calmness and Excitement Over the Lifespan

“One is never too old to yearn.” —Italian proverb

Calmness is essential in our life. A survey found that across 116 countries and territories, 72% of adults said they would rather live a calm life than an exciting one, with only 16% claiming the opposite. The profound value of calmness in life and marriage increases with maturity and age. This is particularly evident in older age, when cognitive and physical capacities tend to decline. At this point, the ability to be satisfied with one’s own lot and calmness increases, and marital conflicts decrease. Older people are more likely to adopt the constructive attitude of making the most of what they already (or still) have. Their concern is not with having more, but with losing less (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019, and here). It was found that older adults experienced higher than average levels of calmness and lower levels of excitement compared with younger adults. Moreover, calmness, but not excitement, buffers against longitudinal declines in psychological wellbeing and the physical health of older adults (Hamm et al., 2021).

In conclusion, calmness is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the calmer you are over the likelihood that your relationship will endure, the greater your willingness to invest in it and the higher the likelihood it will last. Calmness does not seem an obvious critical component of a successful relationship, but it is certainly vital. Sometimes, still waters make all the difference to the romantic heart.

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