Verified by 
Relationships
5 Tips to Respectfully End an Intimate Relationship
Taking the high road when a relationship fails.
Posted November 22, 2019 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Ending a significant relationship is never an easy thing. For starters, people in an intimate relationship imagine that life will always include that one special person. After all, it takes a huge amount of time and effort to build a relationship that’s intended to last a lifetime. So when this seemingly wonderful and exhilarating relationship starts to show cracks, starts to slowly fall apart for any number of reasons, the questions become: Is the relationship worth saving. Is it worth working on to preserve and strengthen? Is the effort simply not worth it?
Relationships end for any number of reasons. Sometimes people grow beyond a relationship and the individuals no longer fit together as they once had. Sometimes one person changes and the ideals and values that once bound the relationship so tightly together are no longer shared. Sometimes, external forces drive a couple apart. Sometimes, individuals turn out not to be who they said they were. Lack of trust, infidelity, addictive behavior, family dynamics, and an inability to be sympathetic and supportive may also significantly contribute to difficulties within the relationship and may ultimately lead to a rift that’s too great to mend.
Intimate relationships take considerable time and effort to build. A tremendous amount of emotional energy is exerted to support and maintain the relationship. So no matter what causes a relationship to fail, the end of the relationship also requires a tremendous amount of time, effort, and emotionality. An individual needs to recover from the end of a relationship, from a loss or death, if you will, and needs time to gain a sense of themself as an individual living on their own once again.
There are often signs that an intimate relationship is breaking apart and that the individuals are moving away from the closeness they once shared. Individuals in a significant relationship may start to spend less time together, may spend more time outside of the relationship on their own or with others, may communicate far less, and eventually may limit both time and communication to the point where they are living separate lives in fact, although they may still be considered a couple.
On the other hand, communication may become more “in your face”—angry, argumentative, critical, judgmental, hostile, and antagonistic. The question becomes is the relationship worth saving and are the individuals involved willing to do the difficult and often painful work of getting the relationship back on track—fixing the problems that caused the rift to begin with?
There is no right way to end a relationship; meaning that there is no one size fits all. Every relationship is a special entity and unique as are the individuals within a relationship. How we approach an “ending of the relationship” conversation is dependent on the personalities of the individuals as well as on the communication style the individuals within the relationship have adopted. There may be instances where the couple is no longer on speaking terms at the time of the break-up and so this conversation may never take place. But for the sake of this post, let’s assume that the individuals can still speak to each other even though they may not agree.
So, here are five tips to respectfully end a relationship.
Decide that the relationship is over. This need to make a decision may seem so obvious that it doesn’t need to be discussed. But sometimes, individuals simply drift along in a relationship that’s no longer satisfying and fulfilling. At some point, someone needs to control and direct the course of the relationship, whether people decide to stay together and work on making it better, or decide to end it.
Once an individual makes up their mind that the relationship is finished, that it can’t be salvaged and /or there is no desire to salvage it and keep it going, they need to take full responsibility for their decision to end the relationship. They need to acknowledge to themselves that they have thought long and hard about the consequences of ending the relationship and that this decision is in their best interest and for their greater good.
End the relationship in person. A personal face-to-face conversation is essential. Meeting one-on-one to effectively say “goodbye” to the relationship you shared is respectful, considerate, and compassionate. You are looking someone in the eye to tell them why your time together can’t continue and perhaps, recount what happened to contribute to the relationship’s ending. Never break up without personal closure, and I don’t mean by text or email. That’s cold and impersonal and doesn’t allow an individual to have their say.
Choose a setting that is mutually acceptable; someplace that is comfortable for both of you and where you won’t be interrupted. This is probably not a restaurant or coffee shop with lots of people around. Also, be aware that an individual who is still invested in keeping the relationship may use a setting to be provocative and seductive.
Be truthful and honest. Be straight forward in your communication but remember that you’re not there to rehash the details of the relationship. Assume that you’ve done that many times before. Be truthful about why the relationship no longer works for you and what happened in the relationship to bring you to this conclusion. Don’t resort to blaming the other person and/or being critical, judgmental, or insulting if you can help it. It will do no more good at this point. Remember, this conversation is for closure; if you can avoid getting into an argument even if you’re provoked.
Allow the other person to fully express themselves. Just as you want to be heard, encourage the other person to fully express their feelings. Whatever your concerns are, the other person deserves the chance to be heard and to let you know how they feel. Simply, the act of listening may help them feel that, at the very least, you care about them as a person, even if you no longer consider them the "intimate other.”
For both of you: sharing some of the good that came out of the relationship may help you both save face and walk away feeling somewhat better about the relationship. Expressing your sense of sadness and disappointment may help to “humanize” the relationship and give you something to share and agree upon.
Prepare to cut all ties. After you have had the break-up conversation, it’s important to break all ties (at least for a considerable period of time) to allow you to have a fair amount of time to process the ending of the relationship and to deal with the psychological and emotional ramifications of the break-up. Some people believe they can just segue into being friends but in most instances this is unlikely. Some may believe that if they stay friends they may be able to re-ignite the intimate relationship.
After the ending of a significant relationship, you can expect to experience a period of grief. After all, the ending of anything important to you may feel like a loss, even a death. And this may occur even if you’re relieved that the relationship is over. You once loved someone and invested a great amount of time, effort, and emotionality into caring for them. When it’s over you have to figure out how to be alone again without them. Take your time to process all that has happened to you before you begin another relationship.
