3 Ways to Stop Partner Resentment Amid Postpartum Depression

If you have had a baby in the last few years and are struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety, let me ask you a question—have you felt resentment, hate, or anger toward your partner? Do you feel like your previous romantic feelings have been unexpectedly replaced with disdain or frustration or like “you’ve lost that loving feeling”?

The good news is that relationship challenges can be normal after having a child, even if you feel amazing mentally. Yet if you are one of the 1 in 5 new moms who will struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety, the negative impacts on your relationship can be much more pronounced and challenging.

Let’s talk about the relationship impacts of postpartum depression and ways to help you and your partner get through it together.

Relationship Impacts of Postpartum Depression

Normally, after having a child, your relationship can change drastically. Your partnership dynamic shifts entirely—you are both adjusting to new parenthood, surviving on limited sleep, and your connection can feel like it shifted from romantic partners to roommates. When you add in mental health struggles, the impacts are considerably more profound—and something we don’t often warn couples about.

According to the book Tokens Of Affection: Reclaiming Your Marriage After Postpartum Depression, depression is hard on a marriage: “Feelings are hurt, thoughts are distorted, intentions are misinterpreted, clarity is absent, and joy is nowhere to be found.” This quote adequately sums up the feelings of many moms (and their partners) when they are in the thick of mental struggles.

The phrase “joy is nowhere to be found” feels especially devastating—aren’t we taught from a young age that being a new mother is supposed to be one of the happiest times of our lives? If you feel this way, you may be asking yourself how you work on your relationship while caring for a new child and trying to find yourself again in the darkness of depression and anxiety.

3 ways to support your relationship during postpartum depression

It can all seem overwhelming, too hard, and honestly not fair that you are going through all this. Postpartum depression and anxiety are treatable, you will feel better, and partners that do make it through the darkness of postpartum depression together often come out stronger, with better communication skills and a deeper appreciation for each other.

1. Focus on quality time together.

After having a baby, it’s common to feel like you never have time for each other anymore. Caring for a new child takes up most of your focus, and the little time you have free is often filled with chores and trying to catch up on much-needed sleep. This leaves very little time for you both to connect like you did pre-baby, which can result in loneliness, frustration, and disconnection.

Action: Because extra time is limited, and date nights out together may not be able to happen as often as before (or even at all), focus on quality when you have time together. Plan a few minutes each day to be together and intentionally connect—even if it is simply sitting on the couch once the baby has finally fallen asleep and talking about your day with each other. If your date nights and hobbies together were outside of the house before the baby and are hard to do now, think through something new you can enjoy together in this phase of life—maybe it’s a video game you play together, cooking new meals together, or even bingeing a new show together.

Take these little moments and make them intentional quality time. When you can, try to make a date happen for just the two of you; if it’s harder to get away at the end of the day when you are both tired, try afternoon or daytime outings. The purpose is simply for you both to connect, maintain your bond, and remind you both of the joy you share as a couple.

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2. Ask for help.

The endless workload of caring for a new child often falls on the mother, especially when it comes to feeding and sleep support. Plus, household responsibilities often fall heavier on moms, too. Then, when you layer on the exhaustion of inadequate sleep and not feeling mentally well with postpartum depression and anxiety, you can start to feel resentment and burnout from an unbalanced workload.

Action: Talk with your partner about creating a more balanced workload and ask for help as you need it. Discuss and plan how you will share responsibilities. Write down tasks and stick them on the fridge if that helps you address the conversation.

Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it is necessary right now. By balancing your workload, you can reduce your overall stress and feel better about the support within your relationship. Delegate as you need, and don’t forget to take breaks for yourself too.

3. Increase and improve your communication.

Communicating what you need and how you feel right now can be challenging—especially when you are struggling with anxiety and depression, exhaustion, and unbalanced workloads. It can be hard to figure out what you need for support and how to ask for it, leading to frequent misunderstandings, resentment, or frustration with your partner. We often expect them to be able to read our minds and respond accordingly, but we must remember they cannot—and we must communicate.

Action: Talk with your partner often and consistently about your feelings, even if you are still trying to process why you feel a certain way. If expressing your emotions is new or hard for you, remember to use the “I feel” statement to keep the conversation constructive. Instead of saying, “You never help with the baby,” try saying, “I feel overwhelmed and could use some help.” Using an I statement here is likely to make your partner feel less attacked and encourage a better response.

Keep the lines of communication open and honest. What you need from your partner for support and how you feel mentally are likely to change daily or even multiple times throughout the day. The same can be true for your partner.

Communicate, stay flexible, and continue to talk until you find a solution that works best for you both. If needed, consider talking to a therapist to help you improve your communication skills as a couple and further support your relationship bond.

Final thoughts

Postpartum depression and anxiety can feel like an insurmountable barrier between you and your partner, but they don’t have to destroy your relationship. By focusing on small, meaningful actions—whether it’s carving out quality time, asking for help, or improving communication—you can begin to rebuild your connection and create your future together as new parents.

This moment in your relationship is incredibly tough, but it’s also an opportunity to grow together in ways you never imagined. Remember, this is just one chapter in your story, and with compassion, understanding, and perseverance, you can both come out stronger as individuals and as a couple.

You’re not alone in this—lean on each other and seek the support you need to thrive together.