When Your Child Says, "You're Not the Boss of Me"

"You're not the boss of me!" Whether your child is 4, 7, or 14, these words are very upsetting for parents to hear. They sound disrespectful and mean-spirited. Do your children actually believe that they don't have to listen to you?

Developing Independence

But here is something that can calm you down. When children blurt out these words, it is a reflection of a developmental issue that they are struggling with—the need for independence. Kids often achieve their independence through aggression.

Small babies start off feeling a oneness with their parents. They cry, and their parents suddenly appear to feed them. Infants don't quite know where your body begins and theirs leaves off. Over time, they start to explore their own bodies and begin to feel more separate from you and a sense of self. Early on, babies show an emerging desire to be independent and do things on their own as they stretch their legs to stand up on your lap or reach for an animal on the mobile overhead.

Achieving more independence actually raises ambivalent feelings for a child. Every step that they take away from you makes them feel a loss of their babyhood and their closeness with you. Parents tend to feel the same way about each developmental milestone forward their child makes—for instance, starting preschool or later on in life going away to college or getting married. They are excited about their child's achievements, while sad because they are losing their baby!

Part of establishing their independence is accomplished by your child pushing you away. They will fight you at the age of 2 to put on their shoes by themselves even when they can't. And when you make a rule for your 12-year-old such as, “You can't go to the movies alone with your friend,” they may get angry and declare independence by saying, “You're not the boss of me!”

Steps for Parents to Take

So what are we as parents to do? If your child wants to walk to school alone and is too young, and retorts this beloved phrase, here are some steps you can take.

• Teach your child about your role. Explain that you are not his boss. You are his parent who loves him very much, and it is your job to keep him safe and healthy. That's why sometimes you have to say no.
• Acknowledge his wish. One step toward showing your acceptance of her wish for independence is communicating that you value and are listening to her wishes. You can say, "I can see you really want to walk to school on your own. We’ll keep talking about it and decide when you’re old enough.” Your child will think: "My dad hears me. He respects my wishes.”
• Explain your limit. Giving your child a logical reason why you cannot fulfill his wish will help. You might say, “You can’t cross the street by yourself. You’re very little and the cars won’t see you. I will teach you how to do this and you will be able to do it when you're older."
• Be supportive. Your explanation may not take away your child’s whining or mini-tantrum, so add: "I know it's really hard for you that you cannot get a cell phone at this age. But this is something you will be able to handle better when you are older."
• Offer an alternative solution and some optimism. For example, you can say, "I will start explaining to you how to drive when we travel, and, when you’re old enough legally, we’ll practice in a parking lot."

This engenders a positive way of working through a problem with your child. Your child gets a feeling that she can depend upon you to be listened to and that you will respond supportively. She may not get immediate gratification, but her wishes are taken seriously.