How Asking For Help Can Change Your Life

There is an adage that the best way to dig yourself out of a hole is to stop digging. But that’s a lot easier said than done. When faced with our most challenging and pressing circumstances, we often don’t know where to turn for help or even where to start. So, we keep digging, which creates additional stress and a vicious cycle.

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Stress is the physiological, biological, and behavioral response to any stimulus that threatens us. Our typical stress response is to accept it, run from it, or confront it head-on. Many times, we freeze in panic and don’t take any action. The most challenging times—those that produce chronic stress and fear in non-life-threatening situations—usually involve relationships, jobs, family, and health. And central to all of these is money.

Money, or financial resources, operate at a basic level since they are tied to our needs for shelter and food. Financial stress, fears, and anxiety tend to take a significant toll on our psyche—one that many spend their entire lives trying to cope with. Financial fears center around not having “enough.” I defined wealth in my book on the topic as “an abundance of resources that are associated with an opportunistic and confident mindset.”¹

Economic Equity

Wealth is not necessarily about the tangible aspect of money; it’s much more emotional and psychological. Most people need help in this area. When nearly 56 percent of the U.S. population cannot afford a $1,000 emergency expense², almost 12 percent live below the federal poverty level³, and 70 percent are struggling financially to live day to day⁴, having access to financial assistance becomes a necessity. This is an issue of economic equity.

One of the ways to dig ourselves out of holes and reduce the stressors is to retrain our brains to make better choices, especially around money. But how can you do that when you’re struggling and can barely make ends meet? It’s hard to choose when you are unaware of options. Harder yet is coping with the behavioral aspects of money, which partially dictate our less-than-rational thinking, sometimes impulsive nature, and implicit biases in choices we make, like spending or saving.

When Opportunity Arises

So that’s why it was so refreshing to learn about the excellent television show distributed by American Public Television and airing on Public Broadcasting System (PBS) called Opportunity Knock$.⁵ I wanted to learn more about initiatives that aim to help those individuals who need the most financially. Recently I spent some quality time with the creator and executive producer (Jamie Strayer) and one of the three coaches highlighted on the show (Patrice Washington).⁶ Rarely do you see television shows focused on improving financial behaviors—much more likely are you to find reality shows that feature home renovation, dating, or survival gaming programs.

The episodes featured in the first season follow six unique families who are all working to re-establish their financial identities. Patrice Washington, a well-known TV financial personality and book author, told me that the hardest thing for the people she works with on the show is to “…accept help.” She notes that “people tend to shame themselves right into a corner instead of seeking help and trusting that support is available.”

With more than half of the population in dire financial positions, accessing help becomes an issue of economic equity. Although there are options available—including financial counseling, help with gaining healthcare access, housing, transportation, education, and legal assistance—finding these resources is so challenging. In addition to the show, the Opportunity Knock$ site helps to provide a locator of these resources across the country. But people must be willing to ask for and receive this help.

As the creator, Jamie Strayer, says, “People are not their income. They are just people experiencing income inadequacy.” She defines wealth as “well-being.” I love this abundance mindset. Abundance, the opposite of scarcity, is an important motivator behind the change.

Changing Mindset and Behaviors

Equally as important as mindset is behavior, though. How can we follow through and commit to a path that helps us avoid further digging that hole, so we can climb out of it? How can we change our actions to align with our mindset?

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This is a difficult journey. I champion the use of daily mantras and journals to help people reflect on their choices and look for patterns themselves and ways they could have done things differently. But what I have found the most helpful in working with clients is having them document and verbalize the rewards and consequences for their actions and inactions—imagining the sense of joy and wholeness that emerges from a completed task or milestone. Completion helps people see what’s possible. Similarly, Patrice told me she is most effective when she “helps people see the cost of not following through.” Imagine if we could all see the implications when we don’t follow through on a good decision or action.

Imagine if TV and radio shows could help people focus on real-life money situations that demonstrate how we can adapt, change, and grow in our thinking. That could serve as a role model for people who look like us and behave like we do. Real money situations and solutions take time and financial discipline.

In trying to summarize how Opportunity Knock$ provides impact, Strayer told me that Patrice Washington’s “authenticity in her own vulnerable story makes families feel more comfortable in standing in their own vulnerability.” My last article here on Psychology Today focused on how to incorporate vulnerability in your decision-making, so I fully agree. Vulnerability requires you to be open and susceptible to adapt and correct your path forward.

How to Ask For Help

So how do we ask for help? It’s easy to become indirect, shy, or fearful when asking for something. We tend to be less assertive when we are uncertain, and most people just try to figure it out themselves, often to no avail. To become better at asking for help, try confronting your emotions directly and head-on.

Although some people spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to word-smith their request, I think the best approach is to be transparent, direct, and specific. Instead of saying, “How can I get some help?” try, “Would you help me get in touch today with the right people to help with….” Sharing "why" you need help, as difficult as that might seem, also works to your advantage. You'd be surprised how many people relate to your needs and want to help.

One of the most well-known advice columnists, Ann Landers, once said something to the effect that opportunities are nothing but hard work in disguise. I couldn’t agree more. Better financial decision-making requires addressing the behavioral aspects of your finances. These are the hardest for us to see, especially without an outsider’s perspective. Financial therapists can help you, but a great way to start is to ask and accept help. Check out the PBS show and see how you can relate to, and learn from, the stories. I think that with vulnerability and insights into our own behavior, we can all climb out of almost any difficult circumstances we might find ourselves in today.