6 Breaches That Signal It’s Time to End a Relationship

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"Fear has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” -Zig Ziglar

Even when you know deep down inside that a relationship isn't right for you, letting go can be difficult. There are many reasons for this, but in most cases, it's one or more fear-based doubts ("what ifs") that cause people to stay longer than they should. What if he is the right one and I'm making the wrong decision? What if I'm alone forever? What if I don't find anyone better? What if I haven't given it enough time?

While it's human nature to consider many of these hypothetical "what if" questions when you're considering ending a relationship, they often stand in the way of taking a hard and honest look at the "what is" reality of the relationship.

"What If" Versus "What Is"

“What if” questions have value in some situations, such as helping us prepare for new or potentially dangerous situations (e.g., what if I'm in a taxi and the driver takes me off-route?). More often, however, they're the product of unrealistic worries or uncertainties, which keep us stuck in a fear-based state of paralysis. This can be especially problematic when making decisions about whether or not to end a relationship. In contrast, a “what is” mindset provides more of a fact-based analysis of present circumstances, which can be much more valuable when trying to figure out the future of a relationship.

Critical "What Is" Considerations When Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

1) Breach of trust.

Trust, in my opinion, is the most critical ingredient for a healthy relationship, especially an intimate one. It serves as the foundation for all other aspects of the partnership. When it's breached, it creates a fissure that is difficult to repair, and with each breach, the bond is weakened until the relationship can no longer stand.

A few important points about ending a relationship over trust issues:

• Deceivers often will try to make you think you did something to cause their deceit (e.g., if you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have had to do Y). Don't fall for it. Most deception in a relationship is done for self-serving reasons—to make the person look better, to get them what they want, or to avoid being blamed for something they did.
• Don't beat yourself up if you didn't "see it coming." Trust is something that is built over time and through experiences with a partner. It's not something you usually can know quickly, although once you know it, it should be an essential consideration when deciding whether to end a relationship.

2) Breach of independence.

Depending on a partner to be available and supportive through good times and bad is an important element of a healthy relationship. However, there's a difference between depending on and dependency. If you feel consumed, drained, or downright exhausted by your partner's seemingly incessant neediness of your time, presence, or energy, it's a signal that you're not with Mr. Right.

• Wanting to feel wanted and needed are normal feelings, so it's natural to second-guess yourself for wanting to end a relationship for this reason. But an important question to ask yourself is, "Is my partner's attachment to me grounded in love or in fear-based need?" If your partner requires constant attention, approval, and support to feel secure in the relationship, it's the latter. ⁠As Margaret Paul, author and co-founder of Inner Bonding, explains, "Love that comes from fear isn't love—it's neediness" (2020).

3) Breach of individuality.

It's natural to wish your partner did some things differently. However, change in a relationship should be a two-way street, where mutually agreed-upon behavioral "tweaks" are negotiated via healthy and positive communication between you and your partner. If your partner regularly makes requests, comments, or demands that make you feel like you have to change in order to keep the relationship going, or you feel like you can't be yourself without criticism, it's time to consider if the relationship is the "best fit" for you.

• Don't get caught up in whether or not the request for change is "valid" in your mind if it's not something you feel comfortable changing. For example, your partner may want you to work fewer hours, and you may understand why your partner wants that, but if you're at a stage in your career where you don't want to do that, then that's a choice you should feel free to make.
• Sometimes, even a well-communicated, respectful request for change is not a change you feel comfortable making, and that's okay.

4) Breach of happiness.

When you're with or thinking about your partner, are you generally happy? Do you smile a lot? Laugh? Miss them? Every relationship has its ups and downs, but in the end, the aggregate should be a net positive. If your relationship leaves you feeling sad, angry, frustrated, or in tears more than it makes you happy, excited, and looking forward to more time together, it's time to consider moving on.

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• Don't be blinded by distant memories of happy moments in your relationship. If you have to rely on past memories to feel good about your relationship, it's not meeting your current needs. Decide its future based on "what is," not "what was."
• Societal norms often make women feel selfish if they're not willing to sacrifice their happiness for others. While there often are many difficult considerations you need to factor into a decision about ending a relationship, your long-term happiness shouldn't be off the list (or even at the bottom of it).

5) Breach of boundaries.

Boundaries in relationships are important. As close as you may feel to your partner, you need physical and mental spaces where you feel safe and comfortable. If your partner isn't willing to respect your boundaries, then they don't respect you. As psychologist and fellow PT contributor Seth Gillihan explains, "Boundaries aren't suggestions. They’re clear limits," and when your partner consistently violates them, you should ask yourself if this is a relationship you want to continue. "Someone who ignores your boundaries is likely to keep doing so," says Gillihan. "Consider whether you’ll be able to tolerate this pattern of behavior in the long term. The ultimate expression of boundary setting in a relationship is deciding when it’s time to end it."

6) Breach of safety.

No one has the right to touch you against your will. Full stop. Relationships should be where you feel the safest. If you don't, it's time to say goodbye.

• Breach of safety doesn't only include physical safety. It also includes emotional and psychological safety.
• Abusers are masterful at using manipulation, threats, and guilt to get their victims to doubt themselves and stay in relationships longer than they should. Don't let them. No matter who you are or what you do or don't do in a relationship, no one has the right to hurt you.
• If, for any reason, you feel threatened or intimidated by your partner, forget about relationship-ending "protocol" or "break-up rules." End the relationship in the safest, most protective way possible for you (e.g., phone, text, public setting, even involving the law or legal system if necessary).

When you feel a connection with someone, deciding to end the relationship can be difficult. However, staying in a relationship that isn't a good fit prevents you from moving forward, growing, and potentially finding one that is. Whatever you ultimately decide, don't base your decision on fear-based "what ifs," but instead challenge yourself to push past those fears and trust yourself to figure out "what is" in a way that respects who you are as an individual, what you want in a partner, and where you want to be in the future.