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Self-Esteem
The Secret of Self-Esteem
Where does self-esteem really come from?
Updated June 24, 2024 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Confidence derives from the Latin fidere, ‘to trust’. To be confident is to trust and have faith in the world. To be self-confident is to trust and have faith in oneself, and, in particular, in one’s ability to engage successfully with the world. A self-confident person is able to act on opportunities, rise up to challenges, engage with constructive criticism, and shoulder responsibility if and when things go wrong.
If the foundation of successful experience is self-confidence, the foundation of self-confidence is successful experience. However, it is possible to be highly confident in one area, such as dancing or horse riding, while being highly insecure in another, such as cooking or public speaking.
In the absence of confidence, courage takes over. If confidence operates in the realm of the known, courage operates in that of the unknown, the uncertain, and the fearsome. I could not have become a confident swimmer had I not once had the courage to lose my footing in deep water. Courage is more noble than confidence, because it requires greater strength and effort, and because a courageous person is one with limitless possibilities.
Self-Confidence Versus Self-Esteem
Self-confidence and self-esteem often go hand in hand, but are not one and the same thing. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have low self-esteem, as is the case with many performers and celebrities who are able to play to the gallery but then struggle behind the scenes.
Esteem derives from the Latin æstimare [to appraise, value, weigh], and self-esteem is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourself, to others, and to the world—enabling us, for example, to feel guilt over shame, or emulation over envy.
People with healthy self-esteem need not prop themselves up with externals such as income, status, or notoriety, or lean on crutches such as alcohol, drugs, or sex (when these things are a crutch). On the contrary, they treat themselves with respect and look after their health, community, and environment. They are able to invest themselves completely in projects and people because they have no fear of failure or rejection. Of course, they suffer hurt and disappointment, but their setbacks neither damage nor diminish them. Owing to their resilience, they are open to people and possibilities, tolerant of risk, quick to joy and delight, and accepting and forgiving of others and themselves.
Self-Esteem Versus Pride and Arrogance
It can be instructive to compare self-esteem with pride, and also with arrogance. If self-confidence is ‘I can’ and self-esteem is ‘I am’, then pride is ‘I did’. To feel proud is to take pleasure from the (perceived) goodness of our deeds.
This could not be more different from arrogance, which is borne out of hunger and emptiness. Arrogance, from the Latin rogare [to ask, propose], means, ‘to claim for oneself or assume.’ Arrogant people require constant affirmation, which accounts for their boastfulness, entitlement, and anger, and inability to learn from their mistakes and failures. In contrast, people with healthy self-esteem do not seek to prop themselves up by pushing others down, but are content simply to revel in the miracle of existence, with cheerfulness, humility, and quiet action. This much is clear: arrogance is not the result of ‘excessive’ self-esteem, but, on the contrary, a manifestation of its lack.
Just as there can be no such thing as excessive health or excessive courage, so there can be no such thing as excessive self-esteem. Conversely, humility does not amount to, or even correlate with, low self-esteem. Humble people understand that there is much more to life than just themselves, which is a mark of the highest, healthiest self-esteem.
Low Self-Esteem
Of course, most people with low self-esteem are not arrogant, and more often suffer in silence. They tend to see the world as a hostile place and themselves as its victims. In consequence, they are reluctant to express and assert themselves, miss out on experiences and opportunities, and feel powerless to change things. All this further depresses their self-esteem, trapping them in a vicious circle.
My own view is that we are all born with a healthy self-esteem, which is then either reinforced or undermined by our life experiences. No animal is born hating itself.
Low self-esteem is often rooted in childhood traumas such as prolonged separation from parental figures, neglect, or abuse. In later life, self-esteem can be compromised by ill health, negative life events such as divorce or unemployment, dysfunctional relationships, social isolation or discrimination, and a sense of lack of control.
The relationship between low self-esteem and mental disorder is complicated. Low self-esteem predisposes to mental disorder, which in turn knocks self-esteem. At the same time, low self-esteem can also be a symptom of mental disorder, leading to a chicken-and-egg situation.
The Secret to Self-Esteem
So what’s the secret to self-esteem?
Many find it easier to build their self-confidence than their self-esteem, and, conflating the one with the other, end up with a long list of talents and achievements. Rather than facing up to the real issues, they hide, often their whole life long, behind their certificates and prizes. But as anyone who has been to college knows, a long list of achievements is no substitute for a healthy self-esteem. While these people work on their list in the hope that it might one day be long enough, they try to fill the emptiness inside them with externals such as status, income, and so on.
Similarly, it is no use trying to pump up children with empty, undeserved praise. The kids are unlikely to be fooled, but may instead be held back from the sort of endeavour by which real self-esteem can grow. And what sort of endeavour is that?
Whenever we live up to our dreams and promises, we can feel ourselves growing. Whenever we fail but know that we have given it out best, we can feel ourselves growing. Whenever we stand up for our values and face the consequences, we can feel ourselves growing. This is what growth depends on. Growth depends on living up to our ideals, not our parents’ aspirations, nor our employer’s values or targets, nor anything else that is not truly our own but, instead, a betrayal of ourselves.
Read more in Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions.
