Guiding Your Teen Through the First Year of High School

Summer is coming to an end, and the new 2024-2025 school year is quickly approaching. As a child/ teen psychotherapist, I work with many teenagers who are transitioning from middle school to high school this academic year and wanted to write a post specifically for parents with advice on how to best support incoming freshmen. As we all know, high school is more academically rigorous than middle school and has the added pressure of earning high GPAs and resume-building for college applications. Some questions I would like to address for parents are: How should I navigate my own anxieties about wanting my child to perform well in high school without adding stress to their plate? Why is my high school child more moody and sometimes very mean to me? How do I talk to my teen about stress and emotions without overwhelming them?

First of all, freshman year is both an exciting and stressful time. Your child will be entering a brand new school with new people, sports teams, more classes, and maybe added extracurricular activities. Research shows that high amounts of academic stress impact high school students' mental and physical health (Pascoe et al., 2020). Additionally, it was found in a study in 2020 that anxiety was prevalent in about 35% of high school students (Pascoe et al., 2020). If you want your teen to go to college, and in addition your teen is ambitious and wants to go to a good college, it is normal that there will be some stress and pressure. Grades and GPAs are quite important for the college application process. The beginning of high school marks the start of the journey to higher education and the luminous “future.”

My advice: Before your child starts high school this year, I would sit down with them and have an intentional and connected conversation with them. I would talk to them about how they feel about starting high school, and let them know that you will support them along the way. If your child isn’t the most talkative or open, I would suggest taking them on a walk or to lunch where you can have this conversation. Focus on your warmth and genuine care in learning how to best support them. Ask them how you as a parent can guide them in times of distress. What would your child need from you to succeed? Schedule a time once a month with your child to have these intentional and focused conversations on high school academics. If your child says that they want to go to a good college, they will need to put in the work and perform well academically. If they are slacking academically when you know they have big goals, ask how you should bring it up to them in a way that feels good to them and not naggy.

Side note: I will not mention which parent of mine, but one of my parents was extremely worried about my grades constantly. They nagged me all the time to do better and to get better grades, which ended up annoying me. It actually motivated me as a high school student to want to get worse grades because I felt incredibly aggravated. Obviously, now I can look back and be grateful that my parents wanted me to succeed, but the approach could have been much better and calmer.

Moving forward to mood swings, high emotionality, and peer relationships in the high school years, teenagers often experience mood swings and may act out, sometimes appearing mean or distant, especially toward their parents. During adolescence, the body undergoes significant hormonal changes, particularly an increase in estrogen and testosterone. These fluctuations can contribute to mood swings, irritability, and emotional sensitivity. (Romeo, 2013)

The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and understanding consequences, is still developing during the teenage years. Additionally, the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, is more active, leading to heightened emotions and less control over them. (Romeo, 2013). Your teen is not only starting a new school and entering a new academic journey but is also experiencing hormonal changes as well as brain development. Your teen may snap at you or get annoyed at you more easily than they did when they were in middle school.

Also, peer relationships and peer groups become much more important in adolescence. During adolescence, teens are in the process of developing their own identities. Peer relationships provide a social mirror, reflecting back how teens see themselves and helping them understand their value, social status, and role in friendships. (Somerville, 2013). Their place in these social groups and relationships contributes to the formation of their individual identity. Your teen may want to constantly hang out with their friends or talk to their friends on social media after school to stay connected. Since high schools are much bigger in population than middle schools, your child will be around many more individuals and learn about who they connect with most and want to befriend.

If your teen is being rude to you, not answering your questions, or disrespecting you, I know how triggering and frustrating this can be. It may activate you as the parent and make you feel hurt and not appreciated. You may want to react instantly to their rudeness by yelling back. But I have a challenge for you. I want you to remind yourself about your teen’s developing brain in these moments, and know that they are going through many hormonal changes. Of course, this does not excuse any behavior, but I hope that it can help ground you so you do not take their comments personally. You can set a boundary and model respect in these moments. I would advise you to respond to their snappiness with: “Hmm, it seems that you’re upset/angry/annoyed, but I am not a punching bag and I want you to explore healthy ways to manage these feelings. I am going to walk away and leave you to feel your feelings, but I love you and I will be here to talk when you are more regulated." This response shows parental warmth, while also modeling boundaries to them about what you as the parent will and will not put up with.

Side note: I was a very moody teenager. I remember being rude to both of my parents, which led them to react instantly to my comments. Honestly, reacting only makes things worse, and then both parent and teen become dysregulated and aggravated. It is much more effective to talk to your teen when they are more calm and regulated than when they are in a heightened state (Siegel, 2012)

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My advice on friendships: As mentioned above, peer relationships become much more important in adolescence, as your child is becoming more independent. Make sure that their friends are good influences, and treat your child well. Ask your child how THEY feel in their specific friendships. Do they feel supported and secure? Or do they feel insecure and jealous? I would put the emphasis on how your child feels. You want them to know what makes a good friendship and what they feel they value in a friendship. Hopefully, you can have an open dialogue with your teen about who their friends are. If not, I suggest taking your teen to a therapist where they can explore their feelings and thoughts on friendships in their lives.

Starting high school is a significant milestone, filled with both excitement and anxiety for teens and their parents. The academic demands, social challenges, and rapid brain development during this period can create a perfect storm of stress. But it’s also an incredible opportunity for growth and connection.

As you navigate these high school years together, remember that it’s a journey—a ride that comes with ups and downs, twists and turns. By staying informed, being patient, and using the tips and strategies I've shared, you can help your teen manage these challenges with resilience and confidence. Whether it’s fostering open communication, encouraging self-care, or simply being there to listen, your support will make all the difference.

So, buckle up and embrace the experience. I hope that my insights and personal anecdotes provide you with the guidance you need to support your teen through these pivotal years.

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