Top Ways to Increase Emotional Maturity in Your Relationship

I see couples regularly in my psychotherapy practice. Most come in with resentments and patterns of interacting that have gone on for months, years, or decades. There is one thing all of these couples have in common: they replay the same old upsets again and again. They feel stuck. Every time a new conflict comes up, they reenact their old hurts. When things are better, they dread the next conflict.

Authentically understanding your partner’s perspective is the key to getting out of these patterns. This sounds simple, but it's actually quite complex for most couples. This is because it’s easy to be so consumed by your past grievances, or even rage, that you don’t think your partner is worthy of your compassion and understanding. You mentally replay the ways that your partner has let you down, disappointed, neglected, or even rejected you to such an extent that you feel justified in not giving them your genuine interest and care.

When your mind is fueled with grievances that you relive on a regular basis, it’s impossible to hear your partner out when they talk about their hurt and pain. As you hear your partner’s complaints, you immediately recall all of the ways that they’ve let you down. As a result, you become defensive or even outraged… “how dare they complain when they act like blah blah blah and make me feel like blah blah blah.”

This pattern can become an identity for a couple. Decades go by and they will remain obsessively focused on their lists of disappointments and points of anger. It becomes how they know one another and how they connect. When they have time together, instead of enjoying life or each other, they default to the old grievances; ping-ponging back and forth between their resentments to no end.

As complicated as all that is, in reality, there is one simple solution to cut through the resentment and to start a new pattern. To do this, however, you have to put down your sword and authentically and genuinely hear your partner out.

You have a choice: you can continue down that same old road indefinitely or you can give your relationship a true chance for growth. Being the bigger person pays off for many. As you develop more mature ways of engaging, you are showing your partner a new way to engage with you. You are not weak to give up the fight and try a new way; you could be the hero that brings your relationship to the summit. Here’s how to grow a more mature dynamic with your romantic partner:

1. Active listening: The next time your partner makes a sarcastic comment or clearly seems frustrated or upset with you, take a hard pause. Remind yourself that hearing this person out is the only way to start a new pattern. Sincerely ask if your partner has a minute to talk and label the process of what is happening between you: “I can see you're upset with me, I want to understand what you are feeling.” Then whatever they say, hang on to their every word. Try to block thinking about your defense and instead bring your full attention to what they are saying. Your goal in this moment is to understand your partner’s perspective. Remember, understanding doesn’t mean everything they say is right or wrong, it just means they have a perspective and your job is to get a sense of what that is.
2. Reflect back what you hear without judgment: As simply as possible, put into words what you hear, even if you don’t agree or even if you have a whole list of why they are wrong. This might look like: “I am hearing you are frustrated and feeling alone and unappreciated.”
3. Authentic responsibility: People overwhelm themselves with this crucial step of “owning it.” You do not need to take responsibility for anything that you don’t believe is true and you don’t even always have to apologize for your partner to feel better. You do need to search for the kernel in what your partner is saying that you can validate, deeply connect with, or apologize for. This might look like: “I get how alone you’ve been, I have been very distracted,” or “I can see how sad you are and how I contribute to these negative ways we interact and how that keeps us stuck,” or “I am sorry, I can definitely see how my behavior has led to you feeling disrespected and bad about yourself,” or simply, “I see how upset you are and I want to help.”
4. Reinforce how open and interested you are in your partner’s perspective: Let your partner know how important it is to you that you hear how they are experiencing you. Take this moment to let your partner know that you want to change the pattern of taking jabs at each other and instead have deeper conversations about the roots of both of your suffering. Let them know that you are going to try to start bringing up issues in a more mature way and listening in a more mature way.
5. Make room for your own feelings: For now, leave that conversation aside. If you start talking about your feelings immediately when you’ve been in this kind of tit-for-tat pattern, it can feel invalidating and as if you are taking away the responsibility you just owned. However, do reflect. Sit quietly and internally think about or journal about how you feel after that interaction. What feelings are coming up for you? Go back to your list of grievances and see how these feelings connect to the larger issues between you. At some point, ask your partner to have another one of these deeper conversations, where you can share your feelings. If they react with immaturity, ask if they can actively listen without judgment.