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Stress is one of the main killers of happiness. It comes in many forms — anger, anxiety, depression, and guilt. What most people don't understand, though, is that stress is not brought on by the challenges and difficulties one faces in life. Rather, people needlessly bring stress on themselves. Since they cause it, they can prevent it. Let me illustrate how with three patients who first came to my office just this past week.
Fifty-two year old David had recently separated from his wife of twenty years. An elementary school teacher with two young daughters, his wife threw him out of the house until he figured out how to conduct himself, as she said, “like a civilized human being.” He told me that what she found intolerable was his perpetual grumpiness, his being constantly on edge, and his intense way of interacting with her and the children from the moment he awoke to the second he dropped off to sleep. He admitted that he was “a bear to live with.”
Twenty-year old Emily wrote anxiety and depression in bold, capital letters as her presenting complaint on her intake sheet. Blonde, tall, and athletic, she shared that she had suffered severe depression some seven months before that almost caused her to drop out of the University of Virginia. She carried a full load this semester, along doing 10 hours per week of community service, and maintained a long distance relationship with a young man at a distant college. She felt her stress begin to rise again to alarming levels and wisely decided to do something about it before it got out of control.
Thirty seven year old Gerald told me he felt like he was going to explode. A martial arts expert, he recently pushed a friend of his to the ground and in frustration punched a hole in his bedroom wall. He talked so fast I frequently had to ask him to slow down so I could understand what he said. He squirmed in his chair, interrupted me repeatedly, and darted from one subject to another. It did not take a genius to figure out that underlying this real estate agent’s trigger-happy anger outbursts was a perpetual state of anxiety and tension.
To be sure, the circumstances in each of these three peoples’ lives varied. But, David, Emily, and Gerald all shared one significant thing in common: they each approached life with a deeply endorsed, habitualized necessitizing mentality. Listen to a sample of what came out of their mouths during our first conversation.
David –
“I have to get my kids to school on time.”
“I've got to get my classroom clean and tidy before my students arrive.”
“I must keep my lesson plans up-to-date.”
Emily –
“I need my boyfriend to love me.”
“I've got to do well in school."
“I have to be a responsible citizen and give back to community.”
Gerald –
“I have to keep up with my paperwork.
“I’ve gotta keep my boss happy.”
“I have to meet my house selling quota each and every month.”
There you have it. Each of these three people approached the challenges in their lives as if they were life and death matters. The fact was though, that nothing they dealt with even came close to being that dire. But, by framing them in that vein, they made it so to themselves. They literally drove themselves into stress and anxiety by their necessitizing.
The Distinction Between Valuing vs. Necessitizing
Distinctions matter. Why? Because once we make a distinction, we have a choice. If I think only vanilla ice cream exists, then the only choice I have is vanilla; once I distinguish vanilla from chocolate, then I have the ability to choose either vanilla or chocolate.
The power of distinction also holds true with regard to our mentality. Making the distinction between valuing something (I want, I prefer, I desire) and necessitizing it (I need, I have to, I’ve got to, I must) empowers a person to make a conscious choice about how he or she will mentally approach adversities. And, the choice between these two mentalities determines whether or not we respond with stress.
The Great American psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, illustrated the no-win ravages of the choice of necessitizing with what he called “the $4/$5 analogy.” It goes like this.
(1) Imagine that you value or desire to have $5.00 in your pocket at all times. You think, “I prefer it, but I don't need it; it would be nice to have it just in case I want to buy a candy bar, catch a bus, or whatever.” Then you reach in your pocket to only find $4.00. What you’d feel in finding $4.00 would be disappointment and maybe frustration, but not despair or anxiety. After all, you’ve only framed the $5.00 as something desirable, not necessary.
(2) Now, imagine yourself changing your thinking from merely preferring or wanting the $5.00 in your pocket to finding it necessary. You think, “I need, absolutely must have, can't bear to have anything less than $5.00 in my pocket.” Now you reach into your pocket and find only $4.00. What you would feel is destroyed – depressed, despairing, desolate. Why? Because you’re deprived of what you have convinced yourself is absolutely necessary.
Notice, dear reader, that you found the same $4.00 in holding each of these mentalities. The reason you responded with only frustration in the first case was because you only valued, but did not think it necessary, to have $5.00. In the second case, you reacted so strongly because you thought you absolutely needed or had to have it.
(3) Let's take this analogy one step further. Let's say you, still holding the belief that you absolutely have to have $5.00 in your pocket at all times, reach into your pocket and, lo and behold, find $6.00. Finding this, most people would be ecstatic. “Wow, lookee here, $6.00” Upon further probing, though, they admit that they'd quickly feel anxious. Why? Because they would realize that they had no guarantee that they would continue to have a minimum of $5.00, much less $6.00, at all times. They think: “Well, I might need to spend $2.00,” “I might lose $2.00,” ”I might have miscounted,” “I might get robbed.” They’d realize there always existed the possibility of finding less than $5.00 in their possession.
Get it? Whenever a person elevates a desire, any desire, into an absolute necessity, there is no possibility for peace of mind or happiness. For, if they think they absolutely have to succeed at something they want, they’d be destroyed if they fail; but, even if they do succeed in getting what they want, they're still anxious, because they still have no guarantee they will continue to get it.
This is exactly the logical error David, Emily, and Gerald made. They each held a rational value to do well and succeed in each of the challenges they faced – David with his kids and at work, Emily with regard to her boyfriend and her schooling, and Gerald with regard to his real estate job. But, what caused each of them to become so stressed when they converted their values or desires into dire, life-and-death necessities.
Sear This Into Your Mind
• All happiness-busting stress (anger, anxiety, depression, guilt) is created by a person believing that what is wanted must be. Whenever one takes a desire — for doing well and succeeding at something, for being liked or loved, and/or for having things be the way they wanted — into the realm of an absolute necessity, they cannot help but to be stressed over the outcome.
• The cold hard fact is that there is nothing in life that is absolutely necessary. As much as one may want to do well, to be approved, and to have life be easy and likeable, it never has to be, needs to be, or must be that way. Hey, as much as most of us value living, we don't even need to continue to live.
• To be happy in life, we would be wise to: (1) relentlessly strive to obtain what we value; but (2) never buy into the idea that we must have what we want.
Live It
I taught David, Emily, and Gerald the distinction between valuing and necessitizing in their first session and helped them to connect their necessitizing thinking to their stress. I will do my best to help them give up their necessitizing as they move forward. We will see how they each take to my efforts as time continues.
To help you experience more happiness in your life, I urge you to adopt the following practices. I can’t guarantee it, but I know there is an excellent chance you will reduce your stress and find more happiness if you do so.
1. Get clear about the distinction between the concepts of valuing and necessitizing. Then listen to the words you use. Whenever you hear yourself thinking in terms of “I need,” “I must have,” and “I've gotta,” realize that you've fallen into a necessitizing mindset and recognize you are bringing unnecessary stress on yourself. Ask yourself: Do I want to think this way and feel the way I do as a result?
2. Convince yourself that necessitizing thinking is both foolish and irrational. Think about it:
• No matter how much you may want something or think you may be enriched by having it, it is not necessary for you to have it. As much as it might benefit you to do well on that test, or to get a good result on your MRI, or succeed in the stock market, it is only desirable, better, or valuable, not necessary. Never mix up valuing with necessitizing.
• Virtually nothing in life is life and death. It is quite sloppy thinking to frame something as life-and-death when it is only desirable. You will not die if you run late or lose the love of a boyfriend.
• There are no absolute necessities in the universe, except what is. If something is that way, then by necessity it must be that way until it is otherwise. What is, is; what isn’t, isn’t. Regardless, we go on.
• It is narcissistic and self-centered to think in necessitizing terms. For, what you are telling yourself is that, just because you may want something to be a certain way, it must follow that it must be that way. But, the last time I checked, neither you nor I run the universe.
• Necessitizing leads to other irrational ways of thinking that serve to further magnify stress — it’s awful, I can't stand it, self-damning. All of these serve to further stress a person.
3. Make a list of all the things you think you absolutely must have. Using the arguments against necessitizing I offered above, systematically convince yourself that, no matter how valuable it may be to have what you value, it is not necessary.
4. Focus on what you do have that gives you pleasure and satisfaction. Remember that, while you may be deprived of something of value, there are other things in your life also of value. Determine to enjoy 100% of the 90% you do have, while not thinking you can’t exist because you don't have the 10% that is missing.
5. Teach others the distinction between valuing and necessitizing. When we teach something to others, we learn it better ourselves. Teaching deepens both our understanding and our appreciation.
Going Forward
Being happy with life in general is a significant part of your overall happiness. A cornerstone of happiness in life has to do with not getting caught up in thinking that something you value is absolutely necessary. No matter how much you may value something (and I encourage you to value what you do to the extent that you do), never think of it as a necessity.
I treasure this opportunity to share my Happiness on Purpose blogs with you. I hope this blog has stimulated your thinking and, hopefully, encouraged you to follow through in using its ideas. Please contact me by email if you should so desire.
In the meantime, live healthy, happy, and with passion.
Russell Grieger, Ph.D. is the author of several self-help books, all designed to empower people to create a life they love to live. These include: Unrelenting Drive; Marriage On Purpose, and The Happiness Handbook (in preparation). You may contact Dr. Grieger for more information at grieger@cstone.net
