The Happiness Gap

We all have expectations. Problems occur when these are not met and we become resentful or unhappy; thus a gap between expectations and reality. So, in learning to manage our expectations, we can maintain our equilibrium and feel more content and thus happier. How do we do this?

The absolute key in all human interactions is communication. When we communicate well, others understand us and accord usually follows or at least negotiation can take place. If you are constantly disappointed by events or people, then communication style is usually at fault. First of all, are your expectations reasonable and realistic? If you’re not sure, then take the friend or relative who gets on with everyone and is really popular and ask them. Not someone who just “rolls over” but someone regarded by many as “reasonable.” If you’re not being reasonable or realistic, you will be doomed to disappointment and unhappiness – you will need to take a reality check and change your expectations for your sake as well as everyone else’s.

In personal relationships, it pays to be very clear about our expectations. When going out for a meal ask, “Are we doing casual or smart?” When you’ve both decided, this takes the pressure off – everyone knows what’s expected. When things are going well, it pays to be liberal with your praise – positive reinforcement is much more effective than a negative response.

With other people, we often get what we look for. If you’re expecting your child to be naughty, that’s what you’ll notice. If you have labelled someone as “difficult” or tiresome, that’s usually what you’ll get. This is why it’s possible for others to get a completely different response from the same person. If someone constantly does things you don’t like, it helps to say, “This isn’t really you; I see you as such a helpful/kind/reliable person.” When we know others view us as somebody good, we strive to meet those expectations. No one wants to be thought of as bad — this is particularly true of children who will model your expectations, particularly the bad ones! So if you can be clear about your needs, expecting the best, these will often be met.

The other thing that you can change, if you have repeatedly tricky interactions with someone, is your “mode of operating” – known as “The Ware Sequence.” There are three modes of operation according to transactional analysts: behaviour, thoughts and emotions, and we each favour one although moderate, realistic people are usually better balanced between the three. If you favour thinking and you approach someone who favours emotions, you will have a mismatch in communications and expectations will not be met. If you switch your “mode” to theirs, you will get on much better and often reach understanding or agreement. So how do you spot who’s operating on which frequency?

Thinkers use a lot of fact-based talk, they give detailed explanations and reasons and are quite precise in their speech. Those who favour behaviour will be action-based — “let’s just do it” — use their hands and arms to express themselves. They are often impatient, and they will shrug, make noises ("Hmmm," or huffing and puffing) and act before they think. Those who favour emotional expression will say “I feel,” “It makes me unhappy,” or they may cry. They will aim for your emotions in their speech: “I need you to understand me.” The thinker needs you to understand their argument and the emotive to understand their feelings and the behaviour-based to understand their actions or need for action.

If you can switch your frequency to that of the other, you will get on better and they will feel heard and understood. In this way, both your sets of expectations can be met. So with the thinker, invite them to explore what they believe and get them to tell you how they “feel” about those thoughts. With the emotive, get them to explore how they feel and then ask them what they “think” about their feelings. And with the behaver, try to get them to take part and give them clear expectations; only then will they be able to engage their less available thoughts or feelings.

So, to sum up, the key to having your expectations met is to ask questions, try to communicate on someone else’s frequency and to expect the best. Check events out and offer to do the things that are important to you. If, at Christmas, you love crackers – then bring them! If you want people to dress up, tell them. With people, it’s important to expect the best and ask for it when it isn’t forthcoming. Other than that, try to relax and go with the flow. Sometimes the occasions we don’t organise or the ones we take a back seat at can be the most rewarding experiences. Sometimes the way someone else sorts out a problem or organises an event can be new and innovative.

It’s not always important to have things the way we like them or to have our expectations met. Otherwise, we may run the risk of missing out on others’ interpretations and different, just as valid, new and exciting experiences.