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As a woman with hair pulling disorder, I am very used to talking with other women who engage in body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) about how they manage their appearance. Whether it’s applying fake eyelashes to cover up hair pulling or wearing extra make-up and longer skirts to cover up skin picking, we have choices. We might think that men with BFRBs have it easier because society considers men’s appearance less important, but in some ways, men have it harder because they have fewer options for hiding the signs of their disorder. For men whose careers require them to look a certain way, the effect of a BFRB is even more challenging.
Here are three stories from men, in their own words, about how their BFRB disorder has interfered with their career goals.
Rick, age 26: "I wanted to be a TV weatherman ever since I can remember. As a kid, I was fascinated with the weather and I would watch TV weather reports like other kids watch cartoons. I would practice in front of my family or with whoever would watch, presenting the evening weather as if I were on TV. I went to college, studied science, and then enrolled in a meteorology graduate program. While there I got an internship with the most popular TV weatherman in town, a really big guy in my city. He took a liking to me and became sort of my mentor. When I finished my graduate studies, he got me a job as a daytime weatherman with a small TV station, only 100 miles away, but sort of out in the boonies. I was a hit. I even got to substitute for the big guy on his station a few times when he was on vacation. Eventually, I moved back to the city and was given a fifteen-minute time-slot in the early morning. There was talk about my becoming the replacement for the big guy who was starting to talk about retirement.”
“One thing stood in my way though. The makeup woman complained that it was getting harder and harder to cover the damage I was causing by squeezing at blemishes on my face. I knew I had to stop—that there was so much at stake. It’s hard to believe, but the more pressure I had on me, the more I seemed unable to stay away from my face. Time in makeup took longer and longer. Eventually, I was called in by the station manager. He told me that some new developments in high definition TV made it impossible for them to put me on camera. I lost my job and my future, and I still pick at my face."
Tom, age 45: “I have been a nail biter and cuticle picker for as far back as I can remember. And I spent too many years hiding my hands because of the way they looked. In fact, it is not an exaggeration to say that this problem created a major barrier to my self-esteem, my social life and my career in sales. After so many years, I just figured that it was never really going to get better.”
“Then one day while I was driving my car and listening to the radio, and I heard a feature about hair pulling and skin picking. I was amazed to hear these conditions talked about in such an open way by an expert therapist and by a patient he had treated. I couldn’t believe my ears! I actually pulled the car over to the shoulder of the road and took notes. That interview changed my life. I went on the website that very day and I downloaded some self-help articles. Two months later I went to my first conference and met some really great people. It was so comforting to know that I was not alone. I attended a series of workshops where I learned that my cuticle picking and nail biting were not flaws in my character, but instead reflected some ingrained patterns that could be changed.”
“Between the boost in motivation that I got from the conference and the knowledge and methods I learned in the workshops, I went home with a practical plan that has worked well for me. Things aren’t perfect. I know that sometimes I tend to fall back into my old ways. So, I try to go to the conference each year to get a boost, to pick up some more tips and to connect me with other people who know what it’s like to have a BFRB. All of us are hoping for the day that we can put [our] biting, picking or pulling behind us, and my plan has given me a big head start.”
Rabbi Jeffrey, age 35: “Since I was a little kid raised in an Orthodox Jewish family, all I wanted was to be a rabbi, and to study and apply the laws of the Torah. As a young man, I dreamt about sharing those lessons with my future congregation—a community of individuals who would bring me into their lives as a spiritual guide. Part of the image of an Orthodox rabbi is to have a beard that he can stroke in a thoughtful manner while talking, reading, or praying.”
“But during my years at the Yeshiva, as I was growing that beard, a problem arose. I found that whenever I read or studied my fingers would find hairs that were coarse or curly. For some reason, that really bothered me, so I would pull them out. However, it wasn’t so easy to just pull the ones that were annoying; I lost at least 10 perfectly good hairs for every ‘bad’ hair that I got rid of. Irritated patches of skin began to be visible, making my beard look awful. Soon I felt very self-conscious, thinking everyone was looking at my beard. I decided to shave it off and start fresh, but then I got disapproving looks and even some comments from my classmates and professors. I tried growing it back, but as soon as the beard got more than an inch or two long, there I was, pulling my beard hairs again. I worried whether I would ever have the life that I had dreamed of and worked for all those years. I prayed a lot and went to a few therapists, but nothing seemed to help.”
“Fortunately, I found some articles about treatment, and even though the articles were not as detailed as I would have liked, I created a plan for helping myself based upon what I learned. I am doing quite a bit better now but I’d like to make a complete recovery so I can have the full beard and the full life as a rabbi that I always dreamed of.”
As we consider these men’s accounts of their experiences, it’s important to remember that women are more likely to seek help for a behavioral health problem than men. That means that the numbers of men with a BFRB disorder are likely much higher than currently reported (about 1 in 10 of sufferers). I encourage all men who struggle with hair pulling, skin picking, nail biting, cheek biting, and related behaviors to learn more about local support groups, qualified therapists, and self-help tools that can help mitigate their disorder and allow them to achieve their full potential.
Special thanks to my colleagues, Charles Mansueto, Ph.D., Ruth Golomb, LCPC and Sherrie Vavrichek, LCSW-C of the Behavior Therapy Center of Greater Washington, Silver Spring, MD, for sharing these stories collected from patients at their clinic.
