Is It a Mental Health Problem? Or Just Puberty?

Source: Kempton via Flickr/Creative Commons

We are seeing epidemic levels of stress in children and teenagers, with increasing rates of clinical depression, anxiety, and other coping problems. Fear, uncertainty, and lack of control—the factors that power stress—are ramped up in times of rapid unpredictable change, and puberty is a time of massive change, indeed—hormonal, physical, sexual, social, cognitive, neurological. Puberty brings a level of volatility in attitudes, behavior, responsibility, and moods that can look and feel like psychological imbalance, regardless of the situation.

Is it a Problem? Or Just Puberty?

It isn’t always easy to distinguish between the normal moodiness of puberty and mental health problems that require professional attention. Some rules of thumb:

1. Does your child have at least one good friend? Although most young teens prefer to be widely loved and admired, one close friend is enough to get through this period with resilience. If your child has no friends, that’s one reason to consider professional help.
2. Does your child have at least one adult they can talk to? This might not be you right now, for a number of reasons. It could be another parent, another relative, a teacher, or someone else, someone who’s there for wisdom and support when the world seems crazy.
3. Does your child have at least one activity that engages them? Like with one friend, or one adult confidant, one productive area of interest is enough to sustain a young person through some tough years. It might be a sport, the arts, a school subject, gardening, robotics, auto mechanics, carpentry, anything that involves thinking, learning, and developing competence.
4. Is your child ever happy? It’s normal for pre-teens and early teens to express more irritability, annoyance, and anger than when they were younger, especially with their parents. Watch for balance: If your child never seems happy or contented, that is a cause for concern.
5. Is your child engaging in self-harm? This includes alcohol, drugs, and other toxic substances, as well as cutting, sexual promiscuity, and self-sabotage like truancy or hanging out with troubled kids. It’s normal for a child to be interested in all of these things, but it’s time to seek help if you think your child’s well-being is threatened by dependence on any of these activities.

How to Support Resilience in Your Early Adolescent

1. Listen. Your being available when they need you can make the difference between a good decision and a dangerous one. Be fully present when your teen wants to talk, and be fully positive. No criticism, no judgement, no distractions, no devices.
2. Be mindful. Practice breathing techniques, and other mindfulness habits. You’ll be better at managing your own stress, and you’ll provide your teenager with a good model of coping with the ups and downs.
3. Strive for balance. All of us need balance in our lives, but that’s especially true for early adolescents. Make sure your young teenager has opportunities for quiet reflection, ample sleep, regular outdoor exercise, and good nutrition.
4. Own the parenting space. Tweens and teens can appear to take pleasure from pushing your buttons and making you crazy, but on a deeper level they need you to stay strong and calm. Just like a toddler who challenges the rules, teens feel safest when they know they can trust you to be solid–no matter what grief they give you.
5. Smile. With a little effort, you can usually find humor instead of aggravation; share that with your child. Don’t laugh at your child—ever—but rather at the absurdity of the situations you find yourselves in.
6. Be positive. Don’t judge. Don’t micro-manage. Tweens are painfully, brutally aware of others’ perceptions, and believe that everyone is looking at them with critical or even mocking eyes. Make sure your teen feels your positive gaze.
7. Be mindful about technology. Set schedules and limits for your kids’ screen use. Take technology out of your young adolescent’s bedroom, at least for a few hours before bedtime, and through the night.
8. Expect power issues and conflict. A hot debate is a great way for your teenager to discover what you care about, and why it’s worth caring about. You may be surprised to learn that you’re doing a good job of parenting if you and your teenager are arguing a lot, as long as there’s also love and warmth in your home.
9. Strengthen your network of social support. It’s hard parenting a tween/teenager, so you need social support now more than ever. Your child will also benefit enormously from feeling part of a rich network of warm and caring people.
10. Respect cultural and other differences. If you’re an immigrant, a single parent, a member of a cultural or religious minority, or in a same-sex relationship, your children may feel a conflict between their home values and what they see as their peers’ values. Respect your children’s need to create their own unique blend of mainstream values with your family’s values.
11. Advocate for a culture of resilience at school. Most educators are all too aware of the increase in young people’s mental health problems. Initiate or support school programs that foster social support, mindfulness, and healthy life balance.
12. Be flexible. Each adult and each child is unique, with individual needs and preferences, and these evolve over time. Staying open to change is a critical skill if you and your child are to successfully negotiate the challenging years from 11 to 14.