Don’t Stare Into One Another’s Eyes

In the quest for deeper connection and intimacy, couples often turn to relationship counselors for guidance. While some suggestions from relationship experts offer practical help, grounded in research, many are whimsical and impractical.

Building love maps or a vision board, taking dance classes together or sharing a bath, writing a love letter each week, or leaving cute Post-It notes for one another can all feel a bit hackneyed and out of touch with the realities of daily life.

A particularly popular piece of advice is to spend time staring into one another's eyes. Even The New York Times promotes it. If you want to try it, arrange two chairs, facing each other, with your knees touching. Breathe slowly and deeply. Continue eye-gazing for five minutes. Feel free to blink.

Advocates claim that it reduces tensions, deepens your emotional connection, and improves intimacy. At first glance, it even looks like there’s some science behind it.

But there were small numbers in the original study that kicked off the craze, and many studies since have failed to replicate the findings. Although there is some evidence for the release of oxytocin (the "love drug") associated with eye-gazing, many researchers think it’s the experience of feeling connected that causes physiological changes, rather than eye contact itself. In other words, eye contact makes you feel connected, but you can achieve connection in other ways.

So, while staring into one another’s eyes won’t do any harm, there is very little evidence that it’ll make much difference to the long-term satisfaction of your relationship. Especially if you hate that sort of thing or your partner feels awkward doing it.

If you're going to do a vision board, try to have some fun with it.

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Don't make a vision board, either

There is no evidence of the value of making a vision board together, either.

The aim here is to align your goals and aspirations in visual form. By gathering images, quotes, and pictures, and then assembling them on a board, you visualise your collective dreams and shared future. Advocates will tell you that it helps you know your partner's inner world by understanding their hopes and dreams.

If elaborate craft projects are your thing, go for it. But, for many couples, especially those with busy schedules and without artistic inclinations, this sort of exercise might feel anywhere from awkward to ridiculous. Arguably, its aims can be achieved more simply: Think of small, everyday, repeatable acts of connection.

Instead of vision boards, eye-gazing, or a shared relationship journal, how about aiming to connect once a week to talk through where you see yourselves in the future, and how you can best support each other? You could do this while doing something you do together already: an evening walk, or over Sunday morning coffee.

Instead of elaborate date nights in romantic restaurants, maybe aim for a homemade pizza and a movie together at home. This can be just as bonding without the expense.

Instead of enrolling in dance classes, taking up shared hobbies, or booking a second honeymoon, aim small. Follow the best current advice on habit change, productivity, and performance: Do what is repeatable, and think marginal gains, not big bangs.

Maybe that’s a croissant together in a local cafe before work. Or a cup of tea together before bed, while you have a chat about your day. Instead of love letters, maybe it’s a thoughtful text message ahead of a big meeting or presentation your partner has coming up.

Small acts of love make a big impact. Instead of booking a European mini-break, regularly express appreciation and respect for your partner: Compliment them when they look nice, achieve something at work, or put themselves out for a friend. Express gratitude for the things they do for you and the tasks they do around the home. Show affection, even when you’re tired. Be considerate to them. Clear up after yourself. Be a pleasure to live with.

Be realistic

Your relationship is probably very important to you. It is to most people. But it’s not all-encompassing. Pop relationship advice tells us our partner is everything to us. Popular films tell us that our partner completes us. Popular songs celebrate partners who are perfect. None of which is true.

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Spending time apart, pursuing individual interests and hobbies, actually maintains a sense of curiosity about your partner. So encourage each other to pursue personal interests, friendships, and goals.

And respect each other’s need for privacy and time alone. Couples with young kids know that being in the bathroom alone can truly be a moment of zen. If having a bath together appeals to you, crack open the lavender oil and break out the scented candles. But if a shower alone works better, do that. Realistic relationships that go the distance tend to be those that maintain a balance between closeness and independence.

Conclusion

While well-meaning suggestions aim to nurture intimacy and connection, many are impractical and shallow. The daily grind of modern life leaves little room for elaborate relationship rituals, which can end up feeling more like another—often disappointing—task than a romantic gesture. Relationships thrive on consistent, small acts of kindness and understanding, not transformational moments in a bubble bath. Adapt relationship advice to fit your circumstances and your personality. Be flexible and find what works best for you and your partner. And try to make the pursuit of closeness a source of contentment and joy, not stress.