Seeking Meaning in Love and Loss

There’s a beautiful red maple tree in our yard. It stands vibrantly and serenely about 30 feet high—now. But it wasn’t always that way.

My mom and dad gifted the maple to us as a small young tree about 25 years ago. Nobody would have predicted that this modest, crimson sapling would survive the challenges it has faced in its many years, for it was planted in its burlap bag so that its roots grew tightly wrapped around its trunk. Yet it has survived.

Not only has it survived, but it has flourished, bringing resilience, beauty, shade, wisdom, and love into our lives. Like my mom, who survived numerous challenges in her life, the tree has survived the many odds stacked against it.

Source: Inna/Pixabay

While the remarkable tree still stands, after her long life, my mom has passed away. Yet even in her final days, like the maple tree, my mom shared profound lessons in resilience, beauty, wisdom, and love. Mom was still getting up and walking until just a few weeks before she died, when, for the first time, she fell down and just couldn’t get back up.

Until those moments, I believe my mom lived the definition of resilience, the ability to respond well to life’s adversities (American Psychological Association, 2014). Throughout her long and meaningful life, she found a way to get back up each time life pushed her down.

It’s been very hard to say goodbye. Grief and emotional responses to loss are not easy. It feels like a connection has been broken and a barrier of protection has fallen.

Each time I look at that red maple tree, I think of my mom. The stately tree with its roots wrapped around its trunk threatening its very existence reminds me that nothing lives forever. That life is so confoundingly impermanent.

These past few years, as my mom’s well-being has declined, have offered frequent reminders of life’s impermanence and the resilience that we can bring to the vicissitudes of our lives—sorrows and joys, happiness and tears, tragedies and transcendent gifts. And reminders that in most situations, we have choices about our attitude toward whatever life throws at us (Frankl, 1959).

Although I’m trying to find meaning in the experience of love and loss, like many of us, I wish that life were different and that I could have things the way I want them. But alas, that is not how life happens. Yet I am reminded that even in the face of impermanence and loss, we do have choices about how we respond. Grieving is a normal response to the loss of someone or something important to us (Kessler, 2019). On the importance of grieving, David Kessler and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross write, “Grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing” (Kessler & Kubler-Ross, 2005).

At times, grief can feel quite prominent and sad. At other times, it can sneak up on us by surprise. We may notice that our responses can shift quickly and frequently. These observations seem to require emotional agility, paying attention to our inner experience, and perceiving greater flexibility to choose a response (David, 2016).

Amidst the ebb and flow of grief, many spiritual traditions teach the core concept of love: to regard all other humans with lovingkindness and compassion. Perhaps the greatest continuity is love—love and self-compassion for ourselves and our own suffering, love for those in our personal spheres and communities, and the possibility of extending lovingkindness to those throughout this beautiful and broken world.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or healthcare professional.

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