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Susan's mother just called -- "Could she go with her to the doctor's on Wednesday afternoon?" she asked. Susan sighed. Oh, course, she said, without even thinking. She looked at her calendar. It was going to be another tough day. Not only did she have a busy day at work, but she also had to drive her 13-year-old son, Scott, to soccer practice after school, come home, make dinner, and then run off to the finance committee meeting at church that evening. Now she would have to take some time off work to somehow take her mother to the doctor's.
Another case of being stretched too thin, caring for others at the expense of your own needs that can rapidly lead to burn-out, anxiety, and depression. Time to break the pattern? Here are some guidelines for starting to put yourself first:
See guilt as normal and an opportunity for change. Anytime you say no or fail to do what you normally do, expect to feel guilty, and find others doing their best to help you feel that way. If Susan, for example, were to tell her mother that she really didn't have time to take her to the doctor, her mother might remind her of all the things she did for her when she was growing up, lament about how miserable she feels and how no one apparently cares, or get angry about how she asks for so little. And even if her mother were to say nothing at all or offer to find someone else to take her, Susan is still apt to get that heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Under this kind of motherly barrage or her own self scolding, it's easy for Susan to cave in. But the guilt doesn't mean her mother is right, or that she has to do this. It only means that Susan is psychologically on the verge of breaking a well-established should. Rather than automatically giving into the guilt, it would be better for her to think of it as an opportunity for choice, a chance to take one small step away from the automatic pilot she normally runs on.
Realize the difference between helping and being responsible for. Often much of the weight of helping is the result of heaping on the additional load of responsibility. Helping is exactly that - supporting someone to do something that he or she needs or wants to do. Being responsible for means taking over and making the problem your own. Helping her mother find ways of getting to the doctor would feel very different to Susan than believing that she is the one ultimately responsible for ensuring that her mother gets there. It's best to keep the problem in the other person's lap where it belongs, rather than transferring it to yours.
Make a plan. Look over both your activities and time and brainstorm a plan. Susan may decide to ask her brother to help with her mother's medical needs, or her husband to take Scott to practice. Similarly, she might decide that it's okay to cut back on some of her church activities until her children are older and the demands on her family time decrease.
Where can you cut back on your time and responsibilities? Are there some daily or weekly duties or tasks that you can put aside, perhaps to another time in the future, or pass along to others who can step in and take them on? Are there ways you can make time to nurture yourself - a hot bath, perhaps, while your husband puts the kids in bed, a hour of quiet in the late afternoon for meditation or rest before everyone gets home for the day. Can you make time at work to eat a healthier lunch, rather than the hit-and-run junk food you're too prone to eat when rushed? Ultimately, deciding where to start is less important than realizing that your needs are important and starting somewhere.
Reshaping Your Family
Saying yes to your own needs will obviously mean learning to say no to others who have become accustomed to your availability and accommodation. The hardest place to do this will be with close family members who have come to see your caretaking as simply "who you are," who may have grown dependent on your help, and where change on your part will stir your strongest feelings of guilt.
But there's much you can do to help your family change as you do. Begin by talking, without anger, about the ways you've felt pulled, or drained or overwhelmed by all the demands that you feel. Help them understand how, by spending so much time caring for them, you are neglecting to care for yourself.
Family members often want to find ways to "give back" and help the helper, but feel stymied and put off by the caretaker's seeming self sufficiency and message of "Don't worry about me." Once they understand how you've been feeling, you open the door to their help.
Make specific suggestions: Tell the kids that you will show them how to use the washer so they can do their own laundry, work out a weekly schedule with your partner that gives you time for yourself, ask your teenager to drive your daughter to gymnastics after school, ask your sister if she could baby-sit the kids a couple of times a month so you and husband can go out. By letting them know that you too have needs, that you too need help, you not only help create a more balanced relationship, but they have an opportunity to feel important and valued. By being specific, they know exactly what you have in mind.
As they begin to make changes, however small, be sure to notice and thank them - this is not only courteous, but will encourage them to keep it up. Expect that they may not do things the same or as well as you might, but realize that these thoughts are normal reactions to your learning to give up some of your far-reaching sense of control, and resist the urge to correct and coach. This will only discourage them and quickly lead you back to doing it all yourself.
And what do you do if they don't follow through, start to complain, or backslide after a couple of weeks? Again, keep in mind that change is hard. And everyone's natural instincts, including your own, are to keep things as they were. Expect some grumbling, sloppiness, and forgetfulness on your family's end and hold to your stance.
If you stay the course, focus on the positive, try and ignore the negative, the old rigid patterns and roles will be broken. Everyone, including yourself, will find themselves developing new psychological muscles and plowing new emotional ground.
