Five Proven Ways to Make Your Sex Life Sizzle

five sex secrets

Source: Igor Mojzes/Dreamstime

Did you know that really fulfilling sex releases endorphins? And that biological process elevates mood, lowers stress, and even pain levels? After having satisfying sex, each partner associates feeling good with the other.

Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. Finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin (the cuddle, tend, and befriend hormone). That explains why having fulfilling sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close. Having sex with someone you love is life-giving to each partner and to the relationship.

Good, frequent sex promotes your own physical and mental health. And that of your partner, and the strength of the relationship. Among other things, it is associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child. And more restful sleep, greater pain relief, and elevation of mood. And, looking younger, as well as overall fitness, longevity, and happiness.

But it takes work to make sex great and keep it great over time in a long-term relationship¹. Over time sexual hang-ups, boredom, couple conflicts, dealing with pregnancy and having kids, aging, and stress can and will take their toll on a couple’s sex life. How do you create the best sex right now and for the long haul? Here are five ways to make your sex life sizzle.

#1 Novelty

Dopamine is one of the infatuation brain chemicals that gives us that awesome over-the-moon feeling. It is produced when we first fall in love. And then it tends to wane as we fall into a routine and take each other for granted. But the great news is that new and novel activities keep dopamine infatuation going. And nothing keeps the dopamine going more than novelty in bed. The #1 key to great sex is to change things up. You and your partner might end up laughing yourselves silly as you experiment. My husband and I aren't gymnasts, so some of the Kama Sutra positions are a laugh riot. Take it all as fun and games. In the end, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied. No matter whether that's achieved orally, manually, or through intercourse.

#2 Sexual Trance

Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his or her own pleasure and sensations. And creates a fulfilling sexual release. In win-win sex, each of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm. Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for your partner. And what works for you. This is an important best sex secret for passionate long-term happy couples.

Each person needs to be able to concentrate on his or her own pleasure. And at other times in the lovemaking session to be focused on the partner’s pleasure and release. There is great fulfillment for both in each of the roles. Both men and women need to feel like they are sexually alive as well as being good lovers.

#3 Learn What Works for Your Partner

To learn what works for your partner, try touching, massaging, licking, or stimulating all the different parts of his/her body. Start with non-erotic areas and then move on to erotic areas. Observe and ask questions about what feels good. What creates a vibe between you? It is all about the energy connection and vibe between you, don't worry about your technique. Just play and experiment. Try different sexual acts, variations of intercourse positions, and oral sex.

Ask questions, like, “What would you like me to do now?” “How does this feel?” How can I make it hotter?” “How would you feel more able to relax and let go into your release?”

#4 Discover What Works for You

The best way to do this is by using what sex therapists call self-pleasuring. This simple but effective secret requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch, explore, and stimulate different parts of your body. It is critical to learn about what sensations feel good to you. Be a detective in the landscape of pleasure in your body. You'll find it's best if you tease yourself but don't reach climax. Learn how to arouse yourself first; the rest will come easier.

#5 Share What Works for You With Your Partner

Your partner cannot read your mind and simply do what works for you. That only happens in a rom-com. But your partner can be helped to become a great lover who gets even better over time. If you teach him or her. The more you know about your own body, the better your lover will be able to please you. Guide him or her by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.”

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Be validating and then very specific about what you want, when you want it, and for how long. Avoid negative or judgmental feedback, like “You’re not doing it right.”

Now you have five keys to make your sex life sizzle. Of course, you may meet with obstacles, like your own or your partner’s inhibitions, biologically-based libido/ performance issues, as well as fears about intimacy and letting go sexually. But give these tips a whirl and see if things get better. If they do not and you continue to have sexual frustration in your couple, check out any potential health issues with your doctor(s) and/or consider working with a therapist who specializes in sexual problems. You can find one through apa.org.

Just know that you can create a great sex life, no matter what obstacles you are facing. And when you do, you will be over-the-moon with pleasure and fulfillment.