The Way We Communicate Matters

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There are four main types of communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, and assertive. These styles can impact our relationships as they affect the way in which we communicate our needs and respond to one another. In order to illustrate these styles, consider a person who wants to communicate to their partner that they need more solo time.

Assertive Communication

When a person is assertive, they clearly state their needs and why those needs are important. A person may share, “I would like to have some alone time during the day. When all of my plans involve others, I get stressed as I need time by myself.”

Here, the person is clearly expressing their needs through “I statements” and sharing why the need is important to them. This is both informative and includes a clear message.

Passive Communication

When a person is passive, they share their needs but aren’t direct when doing so. In that respect, they aren’t taking full ownership of the message. A person may say, “It would be nice to have more personal time.”

Here, they are communicating the need for solo time but not explicitly stating it and are also not providing any additional context or the why. While the partner may get the hint and understand what is needed, that isn’t guaranteed. This can lead to more frustration down the road.

Aggressive Communication

When a person is aggressive, they tend to express needs in a hostile manner and cross boundaries when doing so. While a person may be heard, they may offend those they are speaking or shouting to. An example would be a person yelling at their partner, “Leave me alone!” Other examples of aggressive communication involve being caustic or overly sarcastic.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

A person who is being passive aggressive is also hostile in the way they communicate, but it is less direct than being overtly aggressive. For example, you may say, “I wish I had more solo time like you to just do whatever I please.” Here you are focusing on the partner’s behavior, not your needs, and are indirectly criticizing them.

Takeaways

Being assertive is important because passive-aggressive and aggressive communication can harm the relationship. Passive communication leaves too much room for interpretation (and misinterpretation) of your needs.

By being more aware of the style we revert to, we can be better at repairing it. Knowing the communication style that your partner tends to revert to is helpful because even if it isn’t the most beneficial way of getting a point across, you can be aware of what their habits are as they try to change or adjust to a more effective communication style.