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Key points
- As a parent, you naturally have ideas of how your holiday should happen and intend for your child to go along.
- Recognizing what the holiday means to you and how you hoped your child would participate is important.
- Most often, a child's refusal to engage in holiday gatherings arises from anxieties or discomforts.
- Have open and nonjudgemental conversations with your child about their concerns.
Susie and Fred were beside themselves. Lovers of Thanksgiving from childhood, they were both so upset with their 11-year-old, who was saying he refused to go to Grandma's for the holiday.
Try as they might, they could not get him to budge. He just kept saying, "I'm not going."
My son won't come to Thanksgiving.
From our years of experience as therapists, parents, and people, we know that this reaction is not uncommon. Kids of all ages (grownups, too) are adjusting to holiday expectations. As with any circumstance involving your family's adjustment, the situation has to be looked at for any special detail that may be impacting your child(ren), yourselves, and the extended family as well.
Is there something medical your family is going through? A change, perhaps? Usually, a stubborn child's refusal has to do with anxiety or other social discomfort that is strongly felt. Sometimes, it comes down to how a child is feeling about themself at a particular time.
Some children have a style and have to say no before saying yes. It is most important that you have patience and listen carefully to what they tell you. Your empathic listening will go a long way to resolving most discomforts. It is helpful to think of these conversations as a normal part of helping a child and a family learn how to adjust together to plans.
As with most parenting moments, it is very important that you think about the meaning of the holiday to you. Often, how we feel about what we are doing with our children is filtered through how we felt as children ourselves when we experienced similar feelings.
How was the holiday for us? How did our parents act towards us if we were having a hard time adjusting? It is important to clarify for yourself what the holiday brings up for you. When conversing with your child, you need to be clear about your own feelings so you can really hear him.
Tips for the brink:
- Get to the bottom of how your child is feeling. This probably means tolerating a good deal of upset on his part since you will be actively stirring up feelings.
- Tame your own tendency, which can run anywhere from pleading with him to come or wanting to punish him for his refusal.
- It is best to handle this in a very settled, calm, and honest conversation, preferably away from distraction.
- Calmly and sympathetically, try to tease out your child's various reasons for refusing to go, even when he is slow, reluctant, or even non-conversant. Considering your knowledge of your child, question some possible points he might be considering or even overlooking. The point is to make conversation.
- Keep in mind there are many responses to your child's concerns that can be constructive. Your responses should reflect considerations both you and your partner agree with and feel strongly about. If you decide to acquiesce to your child's wishes, you both should agree to this acceptance, even if this is not the choice one of you would prefer. You can agree to disagree, but at the least, be optimistic and promise to learn from the outcome.
Some Dos and Don'ts on having the conversation:
- Do invite your child to offer his reasons for his refusal. What would make it better? Don't be harsh or dismissive. Make sure you develop a pattern where your child is speaking, and you are listening.
- Do ask questions to get a sense of all of his concerns. Don't judge or criticize him for what he says.
- Do let him know what you think about the situation for yourself and for the family. Try your best not to get emotional and otherwise reactive towards your child.
When you have come to a final decision, offer your rationale and listen to your child's response. Don't become harsh and reprimanding when your child disagrees. Remember, no one likes to be overruled and told what to do, even if they know they have to accept something they do not like. Accepting something under protest is something we all have to experience sometimes. Learning to do so graciously takes time and repeated life experiences.
From our experience, we have come to believe that creating and maintaining family traditions is very important. They are worth struggling for. Most child refusals revolve around an anxiety that resolves when the issue is identified and discussed.
This often involves more than one conversation. While we don't believe in bribes, we do believe in including activities before, during, and after the holiday that you know your child will enjoy. This can help them see how the holiday is for them as well as others and not just a thoughtless demand.
Of course, this can include bringing your child's favorite foods and including them in the baking, cooking, or buying. Remember that sometimes adjustments take longer than the available time at hand. A compromise might be the best way of going forward. There is always next year. Keep in mind that the goal is to find a balance of activities everyone can find enjoyment in.
