What to Do When Your Child Has Difficulty at School

Paul was not surprised by what he heard; he had been waiting for it, but he was increasingly distressed as he listened to the details of his wife Toby's initial conversation with his 8th grade son's advisor. Evidently Scott was not handing in his work and was talking with other students during class, disrupting the teacher’s lessons. When called out for it by his teacher, he became disrespectful and argumentative. The advisor wanted to talk together.

Toby explained to Paul the plan the school was developing to address their concerns, starting with this request for a meeting with both parents. Scott was showing he needed help. Although Toby had been talking with Paul for some time about possible problems Scott was having, she had not wanted to call attention to her unease and so had not voluntarily contacted the school herself.

Now Toby felt relieved that her silent worries were being recognized. She felt hopeful that with the school’s involvement, they could actually do something about what she had long suspected. Scott could get the help he needed. In contrast, Paul was having the opposite reaction. He became panicky and angry, his mind crowded with bad memories of his own school experiences and the depressing feelings he had had about himself. This phone call set off unresolved upsetting concerns and judgments about his own achievements, and he became lost in swirling personal reactions and thoughts.

What Can a Parent Do When They Need to Respond to That Call?

From our work with children and parents, we know that the described scenario is one that is quite common. Communicating about a child's weaknesses and strengths is always at the heart of a school-parent partnership. The fact is that most children, (and most grownups, too) learn much more from their failures than they do from their successes. A child at school needs to learn how to receive recognition of their weaknesses so that they can learn what is involved in improving or correcting them, and parents need to learn how to be the best supporters of this process. When a child's educational experience does not expose their weaknesses, the school simply has not done its job! Advancement is synonymous with recovery, resilience and openness to overcoming difficulties, and this only ever comes with a proper dose of failure. Here are some guidelines for parents:

1. It is very important that you work through your own reactions to the news coming in from school before you sit down with your child or your child's advisor. Paul and Toby had discussed, over many conversations, Paul's lingering upset about his own experience as a school learner. They both understood the importance of working out their feelings and coming to a mutually acceptable plan for talking with Scott and with his school advisor. Paul was thankful for Toby's support and calm accepting attitude. He appreciated his conversations with her and wished he had had a mother like her when he was struggling through his own difficulties. He easily accepted that his wife should take the lead in discussions with Scott and the school and recognized the importance of curbing his own feelings as he contributed to the conversations.
2. When you sit down with your child, listen to him as the one who has the facts, at least from his perspective. Recognizing that there are always at least two sides to a story, and hear what your child has to say about the message from the advisor with an open empathic ear. The first step towards solving the problem is always figuring out what the problem might be. You want to find out what is actually going on from your child’s point of view, and you want to increase their willingness to cooperate with you by not making them feel that they have to defend themselves. What your child can tell you will become the basis for what more you may need to find out about, just as much as it might become the basis for how you advocate for them. The way you manage the conversation will have great implications for how they regard themselves in the midst of learning that they have weaknesses to overcome. Paul was very sensitive to this part of the conversation, often correcting his wife or glaring at her when he felt she was overly harsh. This would become part of their private conversation after the one with Scott. It is very important that parents be calm and together with their child so the focus can be on the child’s reactions, not their own.
3. Afterwards, it is a good idea for parents to review the conversation they just had with their child to make sure they both understand what he said and how he responded. Clarify what your child told you, what you each understood and how it dovetails with or deviates from what you have heard from the school advisor. Try to identify exactly what the issues are that seem to be clear and what you need to question and understand further.
4. Agree on a plan for how you want to approach your child's advisor. We have found that parents often fret over how fair the school is and how supportive the school is going to be. From our clinical work with schools, we have found that most teachers and advisors want to serve their students well and help them work out any difficulties. Based on your sense of the school, adjust the tone and approach of your advocacy for your child. We are believers in using a moment like this to find out as much about your child's learning style as possible. Be open to the school’s recommendations. While expense is a concern, psychological testing may be suggested. We often find this can be very helpful in elucidating a student's way of learning, as well as their strengths and weaknesses. Based on your talk with your child, you will be able to assess the degree to which your child will concur and anticipate how cooperative he will be with the school's process for assessing what may be underlying his difficulties in class. Be reassuring to him that this will all work out, but be straightforward about what might be his share of responsibility and cooperation.
5. When returning the advisor’s call or attending a meeting, if both parents are available, have the more comfortable one between the two of you take the lead. Try to stay open and not defensive. In most instances, the school advisor will have your child’s best interests in mind. If you have learned something new from your child that his advisor does not know, share the information. Do so in a respectful and cooperative tone. It is very important that you both allow yourselves to become informed about what your child's teacher and advisor suggest about how to address his difficulties, and it is equally important that you advocate for him when you think something is being overlooked or underestimated. Ultimately you want to come away from the conversation with a plan that envisions how your child will show that he is learning from his experience and gaining what he needs to make progress in addressing the areas of concern.
6. Aided now with the results of your conversation with the advisor, return to a conversation with your child. He will likely be anticipating your talk so try to speak with the advisor and, then, your child as soon as possible. Be straight with your message, but caring with your tone. Convey the school’s expectations and the plan moving forward to your child in a way that permits him to recognize what he needs to do and what is interfering with his school participation. Give voice to your support for what the school is suggesting, while empathizing with what your child has to go through in order to fulfill all expectations. This usually works best when you speak calmly and lovingly, no matter how you are feeling about your child's difficulty. Keep in mind progress will not be overnight and may take longer than you like and this may stoke your fears for your child's future. From our experience in working with parents and children over many years, we want to reassure you that mistakes and difficulties can be very constructive for a child's growth and development. It is in these instances that he learns how to commit to bettering himself and, in the process, develops perseverance and resilience that will serve him well in life.

Paul and Toby were very good at talking through the difficulties their child was having in school together. Toby was always calm, never having had to deal with school difficulties herself, always remembering how reasonable and straightforward her parents were when they spoke with her. She loved her husband very much and understood that calls from school, report cards, and even conversations about school with other couples could make him very anxious. They both knew they would get through this call, as they had other challenges they faced together. Most important was that Paul now understood more fully how critical it was to not project his own fears and experiences on his son and not to present his concerns and wishes as demands in his interactions with Scott. Always a work in progress.