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Key points
- After a loss, first try to understand and manage your own reactions.
- Children are keen observers and will be alert to your words as well as your attitude and actions.
- Check in with yourself and with your child as you talk to assess what they are understanding and how they are doing with this loss.
- This is a process of ongoing back-and-forth between you and your child in the weeks and months after a loss.
As a parent, your aim is to focus on your children when they are facing a difficult life event, especially one that brings fear and insecurity. At no time is this more important than when you need to explain that someone close to all of you is seriously ill or has died since you are also suffering. Because children are so sensitive to how we feel, it is very important to keep in mind how our own feelings may be impacting our children.
Your child will be very alert to your response to this loss and to them. Your emotions will affect them as much, if not more, than the words of explanation you offer them. It is, therefore, very important that you find ways of caring for yourself before you approach your child.
Here are some guidelines that we hope will be of help:
1. Try to understand and attend to your highly intense emotions when you are not with your child.
There are many ways to do this, and you will find what works best for you. Some options include writing, using art or music, and meditating. Talking wIth your partner, friend, religious leader, or therapist can be very helpful. We suggest you ask yourself the following questions:
- What am I feeling about this loss?
- How are these emotions coming out—or not coming out?
- Is this loss bringing up prior losses I have experienced?
- Who can I turn to for support?
This self-reflection will enable you to settle your mind so you can be open to your child and not be focused on yourself as you care for them.
2. Have a plan for what you want to say to help you feel centered when emotions get intense.
This should include knowing who your child is and how they like to be comforted. It is always possible that your child’s reaction may not be what you expected. It is good to keep in mind that you are there with your child to be with whatever response they have in an accepting, nonjudgmental way.
3. As you explain things, continuously check back with your child.
This way, you can clarify what they are gaining or not from your explanation. Check-in with yourself about your emotionality. Taking some time out of the conversation is fine and easier to do when you have another adult close to your child with you as you talk. It is preferable that your child does not need to take care of you when you are particularly upset. And if you do find yourself emotional, as is inevitable, explain how this is upsetting to you, too, modeling an attitude of acceptance.
4. In your effort to know how your child is doing as you talk, you can take some brief pauses.
And you can also say, “How are you doing with Grandpa dying?” Your aim is to stay in step with where your child is about this loss and give them space to bring things up. If you sense any confusion, go more slowly.
5. This conversation is a process to return to in the days and weeks after a death.
When you sense an opportune moment, you can say, “Let’s talk a bit more about Grandpa dying. I want to hear how this has been for you.” It is an ongoing back-and-forth where you begin again based on what seems relevant to your child. When your child does not want to get into it, let it go. You will have other opportunities.
The point of the conversation is to help settle your child in a time of difficulty when they are learning of an illness or death. This is much better done when you are as settled within your heart and mind as possible. Only then can you really pay attention to their reactions as compared to your own. And that is what is most supportive and comforting to your child.
