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Mind Reading
Don't Be a Mind-Reader
Believe you’re great at reading people? Think again.
Posted July 20, 2019
Are you good at picking up on people’s energy? Consider yourself a decent reader of people in general? If the answer is yes, ask yourself: “How do I know?”
As a therapist, I used to facilitate group therapy for people interested in personal growth. I always met with potential new members before they joined to make sure the fit was right.
It was in one of these pre-group interviews that I met Polly (not her real name). She told me a little about her childhood, which was filled with material treasures, but virtually devoid of emotional connection.
“My parents were both mild alcoholics, and totally dysfunctional. There was always drama in our house,” she said. How had Polly coped with this? “I became very good at reading people, and getting out of the way when things started to go bad.”
What You See Isn’t What You Get
As a mostly reformed mind-reader myself, I understand the confidence that people like Polly might feel in their people-reading skills. But unless these people-readers outright ask what’s really going on with someone, what they think they see and what’s true are likely to be different more often than not.
Like Polly, I used to think I could practically read minds. But that ended when I started testing my hypotheses by actually asking people what they were thinking. It never ceases to amaze me what’s really happening with people when I ask them; usually, it’s something I wouldn’t have guessed.
I have a number of clients in therapy who rely on reading what they call other people’s “energy.” And because I’m a person too, I encourage these clients to ask me what I’m thinking or feeling if they perceive something in my energy that gives them pause.
I try to be a good role model; when I see an expression take shape on a client’s face, I ask them about it. I’m trying to make it normal and acceptable to check in with someone who seems to be having a thought or a feeling.
I’m constantly surprised, even shocked, at how my “energy” (read: body language) is interpreted—“You obviously don’t believe me”; “You think I should leave her”; “You look disappointed.”
On the rare occasions when someone gets it right (e.g., “You look tired”), I acknowledge that. But when they’re wrong, I’m pleased to provide the valuable service of shaking their faith in their mind-reading skills.
Test Your Hypothesis
It’s easy to believe you’re good at reading faces, vocal tones, or “energy” if you never check in to find out if your read is right. As far as you know, you’re 100 percent accurate.
I have some stunning news for you. If you ever decide to start testing your guesses, you’ll discover that not only are you wrong sometimes, you’re wrong most of the time. Yes, even you, the very intuitive, pick-up-on-people’s-energy person.
You might be good at gauging the overall tone of other people’s moods—a process executed automatically in the neocortex of most people, thanks to our so-call mirror neurons—but you still can’t know that they’re upset because you’re five minutes late.
That disapproval you see on someone’s face may in fact be indigestion, a spontaneous memory of something that happened long ago, or the dread of an upcoming event that doesn’t involve you.
If someone appears to be angry with you, don’t decide unilaterally that they’re angry with you. Instead, ask them. They might say, “No, why do you say that?” Then you can tell them, “I noticed you didn’t smile when I arrived, and you haven’t said much to me today.”
That will give them the opportunity to reply, “Oh! Sorry, I didn’t realize. I’m actually preoccupied with a diagnosis that my (family member) received yesterday… ”
If it turns out that they really are angry with you, they’ll either admit it, or they won’t. But you will have done your own due diligence by testing your hypothesis with a real-world inquiry.
Transforming the Habit
Polly joined my therapy group and did well in it, though she had to keep a check on her mind-reading habit and get used to requesting information instead.
At first, this was hard for her; she’d been reading minds for so long, she found it scary to open up and ask about what she was seeing. Over time, instead of making assumptions, she increasingly asked other members what they were thinking or feeling. “Here’s what I’m perceiving. Is this true?” became Polly’s favorite venture.
It’s a powerful question in just about any relationship.
Polly came to find it refreshing, being allowed to check in with people instead of having to guess what they were thinking. In fact, the group eventually voted her the person “most likely to check in” when someone appeared upset. She became a full participant in the sometimes chaotic world of relationships and communication, instead of continuing life as an isolated mind-reader.
What about you? How often do you read people without following up by asking?
