The Importance of Interpersonal Acceptance

This post was co-written by Dawn O. Braithwaite, Ph.D., and Toni Maisano, Ph.D.

Two friends recently lost their fathers, and while both loved their fathers and believed their fathers loved them, each described that relationship very differently. The first friend expressed, “Dad was always so encouraging and never pushed me in directions he thought I should go.” The second friend never felt accepted by her father. After he passed, she told her mother, “I don’t think Dad ever really liked me very much,” to which her mother replied, “I just don’t think Dad ever understood you.”

Do you hear your own feelings about your relationship with one or both parents in these examples? Our desire for acceptance persists in childhood and throughout adulthood as well. A woman in her mid-20s told two middle-aged friends, “I cannot wait to get to your age so that I don’t need to care what my mother thinks about me.”

The two women laughed out loud and exclaimed, “Oh goodness, you’ll always care what your parents think about you. And you will hear their voice in your head even when they are gone!”

Interpersonal Acceptance

Interpersonal acceptance is the sense of being cared for and loved unconditionally by the most important people in our lives, such as a parent or a primary caregiver (Ali et al., 2024; Rohner, 2021). We better understand acceptance by reflecting on its opposite: feeling rejected, experienced as emotional coldness or a lack of affection, neglect, hostility, or the general feeling of being unwanted (Ali et al., 2023). Researchers studying parent-child relationships across cultures have confirmed that feeling fully accepted by a parent or primary caregiver is incredibly important for our mental health and social relationships throughout life (Khaleque, A., & Ali, S., 2017). Feeling accepted is important across life and in our close relationships.

Despite this, there are many reasons why it might be challenging for parents to consistently and effectively communicate acceptance. The reality is that children will have their own needs, wants, and experiences and may follow a different path than parents want or expect. For example, what happens when a child chooses not to enter the family business, to cohabit rather than marry, to take a job across the country, or to not have children? When this is the case, how can parents communicate with children who are not doing what parents believe they should do?

Communicating Acceptance Across Differences

To study communicating acceptance, Toni interviewed adult children who said they had a significant religious difference with at least one of their parents, focusing on how the parent did or did not communicate acceptance (Morgan & Koenig Kellas, 2022). Toni and her colleague developed helpful suggestions that all of us may find useful when we face making choices about what to do or say when important differences come up:

Communicate that the relationship is stable: We can communicate acceptance by demonstrating through words and actions that our relationship with them won’t change, even when there is tension or difficulty. One person who left his family’s faith tradition explained that “the relationship before this and after this is largely, largely the same. They treat me with as much love and respect and investment as they did before this.”

Communicate that you care without trying to change the other person: We can communicate acceptance by making explicit attempts to understand their perspective, even when disagreeing with it. One person had left Catholicism and was now an atheist. Her mom communicated acceptance by doing the following: “She heard me out. She didn’t try to convince me. She . . . took my answers as valid [even] though she was disappointed that I didn’t have the same beliefs.”

Communicate understanding that the other person has the right to make their own decisions: We can communicate acceptance by recognizing and affirming that others are independent and need to make the right decisions for themselves. For example, one person recalled how her father responded when she came out to him about her sexuality, “I just remember him letting me know he loved me and that he wanted me to be happy. This is what he believed the Bible says, but that he knows I’m a grown woman and that I can make my own decisions.”

Communicate pride in specific aspects of the other person’s identity: We can communicate acceptance by expressing pride in who the other is as a person, such as in their role as a sibling, parent, friend, or in their talent as a worker, athlete, or artist. For example, one person stressed that he knew his mother accepted him when she would express pride in his work as an excellent high school teacher and would brag to her friends. He recalled she’d also “tell me she’s proud of me, without people around, but I think there’s something very heartwarming and affirming when she takes it to actual people, and she’s like, ‘Oh, my kid’s so great.’”

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In the end, it can be challenging to communicate acceptance as others grow up, change, and develop into unique, diverse, passionate, perfectly imperfect people. The good news is that how we communicate acceptance can develop and change across the life of a relationship. This is something we need to put into practice over the years, and many of the people Toni interviewed noted that their parents had improved how they communicated acceptance over the years.

Even so, it is important to note that people are not always willing or able to communicate acceptance. Sometimes, issue(s) of disagreement are so central to identity that the person believes they must hold the course.

For example, what happens when a parent perceives that a child has sacrificed their soul when they leave the family faith tradition or convert to a different religion? Or if a friend believes another person is abusing alcohol or drugs? These are difficult decisions that may damage or end the relationship. People may distance themselves from the relationship, choose estrangement over sacrificing their beliefs (Braithwaite & Allen, 2022), or pursue other relationships that can bring them acceptance and joy.