Should My Partner and I Talk About Our Pornography Viewing?

Does your romantic partner know how often you watch pornography, and do they know about your habits? Maybe the very idea of discussing this topic with your partner makes you cringe a little bit. Or maybe talking about your online turn-ons was a way you connected early on and is now central to your sexual relationship. So, should we or shouldn’t we talk about it? Here’s my take on this as a couple therapist and relationship researcher, incorporating some recent research on the topic.

In case you’re thinking, “This topic doesn’t apply to my relationship(s),” let me offer a little context about pornography viewing. Research studies show time and again that practically all men have seen pornography before, and most watch it at least occasionally, if not regularly; meanwhile, most women have seen it before, and a substantial minority are occasional to regular viewers (e.g., Huntington et al., 2021; Willoughby & Leonhardt, 2018). (Research on this topic with trans and non-binary samples is sadly lacking, but I imagine rates are similar.)

In all likelihood, then, at least one of the people in your relationship watches porn. So why bother talking about it? Relationships researchers continually find that pornography-viewing behaviors are correlated with relationship quality (Huntington et al., 2021; Kohut et al., 2018; Willoughby & Leonhard, 2018; Wright et al., 2017). The most consistent finding within this field is that as men report watching pornography on their own more often, they and their partners report having a lower-quality relationship and sexual connection. In contrast, women watching pornography on their own is often related to more relationship and sexual satisfaction, and when couples watch pornography together, this is associated with mostly better relationship and sexual outcomes, too.

Researchers in this field – and I’m one of them – are trying to understand whether these correlations might reflect some kind of causation: could watching pornography directly hurt or help our relationships? We don’t have good answers yet, and what pornography means for your relationship(s) might not align with our findings.

As a couple therapist, I’m of the opinion that most behaviors that might substantially impact your relationship ought to be discussed with your partner. I hope I’ve convinced you that watching pornography probably falls in that category. So what should you do?

First of all, we should acknowledge that if you’re in a relationship where you watch pornography together, you are likely already discussing this topic. That’s great! Couples who watch together – if they are doing so consensually and collaboratively – are probably figuring out their shared sexual interests, taking healthy risks in expressing themselves sexually, and generally learning how to communicate about sex (Kohut et al., 2018). If you are one of these couples, you might also both be pretty open about your desires in the first place, and that helps, too.

Recent research tells us that couples who don’t watch together benefit from talking about their past and present viewing behaviors, too (Engelkamp et al., 2023; Vaillancourt-Morel et al., 2023). They feel closer to each other and report more satisfaction with their relationships.

Most recently, Willoughby and colleagues (2024) conducted a survey of over 3000 people in heterosexual relationships in which they asked about whether the couples had rules regarding pornography viewing. Most couples did not, but some did create rules about when each partner could or could not watch pornography, or what kind of pornography they could or could not watch. Still other couples had discussed the topic and concluded that they did not need any rules for each other’s behaviors.

Which kind of couple are you, and which kind would you like to be? Like everybody else, you and your partner both have expectations of how one “should” behave when it comes to porn. Do you know what your partner believes? Have you told them what your expectations are? When unspoken expectations and boundaries get violated, conflict ensues – let’s avoid that! Here are a few tips to help you get the conversation started:

1. Know yourself. What do you think is the role of pornography in your life? What role would you like it to have in your partner’s life? What possible behaviors get you excited – or make you really uncomfortable?
2. Ask your partner to share. What are their answers to all the questions you just considered? Pick a time when neither of you are sexually aroused or experiencing strong emotions. You can say, “I want to understand your perspective about watching porn. If we understand how the other person feels about this, we can avoid a conflict that comes from not knowing what the other person’s expectations or boundaries are.”
3. If you want rules, make them a compromise. What we do on our own time is both our own business and our partner’s business. Rules you generate together should account for your individual needs, your partner’s individual needs, and what your relationship needs, too.

The research and my own clinical experience suggest that most couples do not talk about pornography with each other, and that this could be a disservice to their relationship. If discussing pornography with your partner feels way too charged to handle on your own, that’s okay, too. A couple or sex therapist can help you navigate this topic, too.

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