Is It Emotional Neglect or Abuse? How to Tell Them Apart

Source: Damir Khabirov / Adobe Stock Images

Have you ever heard of the rice experiment?

According to the lore, you take three containers and fill them each with equal parts cooked white rice. Then you label each container: "love," "hate," and the last one gets left blank.

Each day you speak to the "love rice" with nothing but kind and loving words. You also speak to the "hate rice" with critical, negative language. You don’t speak to the rice without a label at all.

Over the course of a month, people report finding that their "love rice" looks as it did at the beginning of the experiment while the "hate rice" gets mushy and black. Often people say that the rice that had been ignored begins to mold and rot.

While this experiment isn’t scientific and, to my knowledge, has not been tested in a lab, perhaps what’s more important is its message. Words matter. Feelings matter. How you treat things matters. And it poignantly portrays the effects of emotional abuse ("hate rice") and emotional neglect ("ignored rice").

Is It Emotional Abuse or Emotional Neglect?

The way you treat rice is one thing, but, of course, the way we treat people is quite another. Which leads us to the question: How do people react when they are treated as the rice was?

One of the difficulties in talking about this is that neither emotional abuse nor emotional neglect are physical, making them quite difficult to observe, notice, or perceive. Telling them apart can be confusing as well. Sometimes emotional neglect can be so severe that it can become emotional abuse. Between the overlap and invisibility of these two terms, it’s important to learn what they are and how to differentiate between them.

Matty and Olivia

Matty and Olivia will help us understand emotional abuse and emotional neglect in their interactions below.

Matty and Olivia just had their first baby together. Matty didn’t receive paternity leave, so Olivia has been home caring for their baby girl alone while Matty goes to work. The transition has been overwhelming for Olivia. The baby has been having trouble latching and has very bad colic. Olivia is recovering from a cesarean section and a scary, traumatic birth. She’s finding it nearly impossible to recover as she cares for her newborn.

Let's take a look at a few different scenarios below:

1. Matty walks through the door from work. Olivia feels relief the second she hears Matty is home. “Finally,” she thinks to herself, “I can finally have a break.” But Matty mindlessly says hello and goes straight into the shower.

This interaction is emotionally neglectful. Here, Matty fails to notice Olivia or how she might be feeling. He’s showing a profound lack of emotional attunement and care. Having such a lack of consideration can toe the line of emotional abuse.

2. When Matty gets home, Olivia runs over to him and hands him the baby. “I’m so glad you’re home. I need a break, I’m so exhausted,” she says to him.

“You need a break? How about I need a break! Matty shouts. “Some mom you are.”

This interaction is emotionally abusive. Extremely hurtful statements that erase the needs of the other person are abusive. Matty is completely absorbed in his own experience and refuses to give Olivia the emotional support she clearly needs. He’s also well aware of Olivia’s traumatic birth and need for rest and recovery—something he has no right to deny her.

3. Matty walks in the door cheerful and upbeat. “Hey babe!” He gives Olivia a kiss. Olivia shares that she’s tired and sore. “It’s OK, I’m home now. Let's cook dinner together and have a nice night!” Matty makes his way into the kitchen.

This interaction is emotionally neglectful. It’s subtle, but it’s there nonetheless. Matty is failing to go deeper and understand the situation at hand. He doesn’t give Olivia the space to express herself or what she might be needing. His positive approach, while most likely well-intentioned, misses the mark. It’s not soothing or helpful to Olivia. It’s severely out of tune.

4. Matty walks through the door and notices Olivia’s messy hair and spit up on her shirt. Matty takes Olivia’s hands and looks her in the eye. “How are you?” he asks. Olivia’s eyes well up with tears. She tells him how exhausted she is. Matty listens and says, “It must be so difficult for you while I’m away at work, having to deal with any of this all day long. What do you need? A shower? Time alone? I have the baby. You go and take care of yourself. I got you… we’re in this together.”

This interaction is emotionally attuned. Matty is hitting all five components of emotional attunement.

The 5 Components of Emotional Attunement

1. Make eye contact with the person you’re interacting with.
2. Be accountable for your role in the situation.
3. Acknowledge and validate the other person’s emotional experience.
4. Ask questions.
5. Listen intently.

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Many relationships consist of interactions with touches of all three scenarios: emotional neglect, emotional abuse, and emotional attunement. But that doesn’t mean it’s OK. This is something that can be prevented. With some awareness and emotional knowledge, emotional neglect and abuse can stop here.

Share this post with your partner. Make a commitment to practice the five components of emotional attunement together. Treat your partner, and yourself, the way you’d treat the "love rice" in the rice experiment. And keep in mind what happens to the "hate rice" and the "ignored rice" in times that you recognize emotional abuse or neglect happening in your relationship.

Emotional attunement leads to connection, a sense of belonging, and feelings of deep love and joy. You, and your partner, can have all of those things.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.