5 Ways Emotional Neglect Sets You Up for Depression

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Low mood

Living on autopilot

Feeling numb

Feeling alone in the world…

When you read the descriptions above, what do you think?

Someone who is depressed? Someone who is living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect? Or both?

The inner experience of someone living with depression parallels someone living with childhood emotional neglect.

Childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents don’t respond to your emotions enough as they raise you. This takes a huge toll on your development. It actually sets you up to be at risk of depression throughout your lifetime.

Left untreated or without taking steps to heal, the impact of childhood emotional neglect can lead to depression.

Here’s what I mean:

Arianna walked through life with a vague sense that something wasn’t right. She’d see others living life more fully, purposefully, and vibrant. Even though she felt that she didn’t have that, she did well in her life. She was friendly and intelligent, and eventually, she got a job and married. She did everything that was expected of her but didn’t really realize that she was more vulnerable to life’s challenges than other people.

One day, something significant happened that threw Arianna off her game. Her mother died. Her relationship with her mother was complicated, and she deeply struggled. She didn’t know how to deal with it. She realized she was depressed and didn’t feel resilient. “How did I end up here?” Arianna wondered silently and alone.

Perhaps if Arianna had received enough emotional responsiveness in her childhood, she would now have access to her emotions during such a poignant time of life. Perhaps if Arianna had parents who tended to her feelings as a child, she wouldn’t have such difficulty tending to her own feelings as an adult. Perhaps if Arianna had emotionally attuned parents, she wouldn’t be feeling so stuck today.

5 ways childhood emotional neglect sets you up for depression

If you, like Arianna, grew up with childhood emotional neglect, you probably walled off your feelings as a way to cope in your childhood home. And you are likely still feeling the impact of that wall blocking you from your emotions today. Maybe you’re suffering from depression, or maybe you just feel as though something is missing in your life. If so, chances are high that you are blaming yourself.

1. You don’t have full access to your emotions.

As a child, you pushed your emotions far away. And what a genius thing to do at the time—it helped you get by in your childhood home. But now you don’t have a relationship with your emotions. They aren’t able to work with you rather than against you. With your emotions walled off, you are living without the rich, motivating, and engaging system of emotions within you.

2. You missed out on getting an emotional education.

Growing up with childhood emotional neglect means there is no one around to teach you about the importance of emotions—what they mean and how to identify them, manage them, and express them. Emotion skills are not intuitive. You needed a model or a teacher.

3. You are more likely to be angry at yourself.

When your parents teach you about anger healthily, you learn how empowering and informative this emotion can be. But if you do not know how to use your anger, or if you believe that your anger is bad or unacceptable, you become more prone to internalizing your anger and directing it at yourself. You miss out on knowing when something is wrong, how to set limits with others, and how to advocate for yourself.

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4. You feel alone in the world.

In an emotionally neglectful family, you didn’t get responded to enough when you experienced an emotion. When there is little to no response to your emotional needs, you learn that you can’t depend on others to be there for you emotionally. You felt alone then and continue to feel alone now.

5. You live with feelings of shame.

Childhood emotional neglect sends you a powerful message: Your feelings don’t matter. So, when you experience emotions (as all humans do), you can easily feel ashamed for having them. You might believe something is wrong with you or feel as though you’re bad or flawed for experiencing the emotions you do.

Reading this might feel heavy, but I have some good news for you. Once you recognize the signs and impact of childhood emotional neglect, you can heal from it. And healing from childhood emotional neglect can reduce your risk of experiencing depression.

How to become less vulnerable to depression

If it sounds like you might have experienced childhood emotional neglect and are struggling with managing your emotions today, here’s how you can make some positive changes.

1. Learn all that you can about childhood emotional neglect.

It is possible to chip away at the wall you have built between yourself and your emotions. With some effort and patience, you can learn emotion skills, feel your emotions, and understand how to use your anger in a more productive way. If this work seems overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist who can be your guide.

2. Start treating your feelings like your friends.

So many emotionally neglected children, now adults, treat their emotions like their enemies. And rightfully so! They learned that their emotions were useless and burdensome.

But the truth is that your emotions are your lifelines. They are the source of strength and meaning in your life. They are there to enliven you, connect you, motivate you, and energize you. Changing the way you view them is vital.

3. Reach out to trusted friends or family.

As you can see, childhood emotional neglect sets you up to feel alone and flawed. It’s time you start doing the opposite of what emotional neglect tells you to do. Little by little, share with people in your life. Your emotions connect you not just to yourself but also to others. Slowly but surely, you’ll realize you are not alone.

Remember this: Your emotions are the most deeply personal and biological part of who you are. They are also your greatest resource for coping and strength.

Within you lies your greatest resource. Now’s the time to access it… and heal.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.