3 Signs of Emotional Neglect Within a Relationship

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“I’m a poster boy for childhood emotional neglect,” Will said in our first appointment.

A 53-year-old tax attorney, Will described an entire life of extreme independence (counter-dependence) and lack of feeling. Will said that he and his wife of 22 years had raised two children together and were quite compatible. They enjoyed going to the movies together and talking about all the fun things they hoped to do when they retired someday.

But Will also said that his wife, Anna, seemed continually angry with him. Throughout their married years, she had asked him for reassurance that he loved her because she said she couldn’t feel the love from him. Also, they had not sorted out how to handle conflict together, so many old frustrations and disappointments had been pushed underground by both of them.

Will’s wife had tried to talk with him many times about feeling lonely in their marriage. But between them, they had no answers. They had no idea what to do to solve this.

Two decades into their marriage, Will read my book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and saw himself in its pages. Finally, he had a sense of what he (and Anna) had been living with all these years. Will realized that he had grown up in a family that didn’t respond to, talk about, or process emotions—that is, an emotionally neglectful family—and that this had taught him some coping mechanisms that were now damaging his marriage. From his family, Will had learned how to not let himself or anyone else know what he was feeling.

Will’s feelings were walled off in childhood, and they remained inaccessible to him to this day. He didn’t know this, but Anna could feel it. She wanted to feel his love and to experience the deep, personal expression of Will that only his emotions can provide.

But, sadly, by the time Will read my book and realized the problem, Anna had already informed him that she had given up. She had stopped trying to talk to him about meaningful things and stopped trying to feel love from him. Instead, she had built a life for herself outside the marriage, a support system of co-workers and family members who she went to for emotional connection and fulfillment. “We are roommates who occasionally have sex, and I accept that we will never be more than that,” she told Will.

“Help me,” Will requested in our meeting. “I have to deal with this, for Anna and for myself. We can’t go through the rest of our lives this way. It’s time.”

If you are identifying with either Will or Anna right now, I want to assure you that you can heal yourself, and you can heal your relationship. There is plenty of hope for you.

*Guilt Alert: An unfortunate side effect of taking ownership of this problem may be feeling guilty about how it has affected your partner. The guilt will not help you (in fact, it will get in your way). So, remember that you did not choose the emotional neglect you grew up with, and you couldn’t fix something you didn’t know about. Focus on the future, and rest assured that emotional neglect in a relationship can be healed.

How to Know if You Are Emotionally Neglecting Your Partner

1. Your partner seems insecure about how much or how well you love them, for no apparent reason.
2. Sometimes you notice that you feel numb when your partner is being very warm and connected.
3. You are often baffled or even repelled by your partner’s feelings.

If you are emotionally neglecting your partner, chances are high that you are just as baffled as they are about what is wrong. Understanding the problem is a giant first step toward solving it.

Here is how it went with Will.

Will and Anna

Will and I met for individual therapy for a time. He worked hard between our meetings, paying attention to his feelings and trying to talk with Anna. Eventually, Will and I realized that Anna was so distant from him, and so tired of feeling rejected, that she was afraid to take an interest in the work he was doing on his childhood emotional neglect. She did not trust that it would make any difference, and she didn’t want to get her hopes up, only to be likely disappointed.

So, Will and I worked on strengthening him. He began to take more chances at work, talking with colleagues at times when he normally would have closed himself up in his office. He called his siblings, brought up memories from their childhood, and talked with them about the emotional neglect they had all grown up with.

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When I felt Will was ready, I began encouraging him to try to reach out to Anna again. First, he started talking to her more and making an effort to listen carefully when she talked to him. He told her about things happening at work that he never would have thought to mention before. When he noticed Anna seemed upset, he started asking her what was wrong, and not giving up when she answered reflexively, “Nothing.”

And now the most important change of all: He started telling her when he was upset about something. At first, Anna reacted rather badly to this change. Unaccustomed to hearing much of anything substantive from him (especially anything negative), she balked. But Will did not give up. He continued to work on learning how to express himself to Anna and others, and gradually, bit by bit, Anna began to trust that this was real.

By the end of our work together, Will was a substantially different person. He was more confident, more open, more connected, and far more available to Anna. As a couple, they were talking about many more in-depth topics than the fun trips they would take some day when they retired.

What to Do

If you find yourself in Will’s shoes, it is vital that you do not give up. Having empathy for your partner’s reasons for anger and distancing will help you tolerate any initial negative reactions you may get. Perhaps your partner has been trying to reach you for months or years and has grown tired and frustrated. Perhaps they even feel rejected by you.

So, patience and persistence are your best friends in this process. Like Will, you may be required to endure some rejection from your partner. Keep in mind that when you are trying to earn your partner’s emotional confidence and trust after rebuffing them for a long time, your persistence will feel loving to them. In the emotional sense, knock on their door. Then, knock, knock, and knock some more.

Eventually, in small ways at first, they will begin to answer.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

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