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Key points
- Regulating your emotional reactions is a parenting skill worth practicing.
- Your heart rate gives you information about your level of "charge" and gives you a moment to reset.
- Don't judge yourself when you can't stay cool, and ask for help if you need it.
Becoming a parent means buckling into an emotional rollercoaster like nothing we have experienced before. From extraordinary delight to the depths of fear and worry, and levels of frustration and anger that we never imagined possible. We don’t like to talk about that last part so much, but it helps if we do. Every parent gets angry at their child. Children have big emotions that they can’t handle yet, and they behave in ways that make no sense at all to our grown-up brains. Of course, we get frustrated. But when we lose our cool it always makes things worse. By prioritizing our own emotional regulation, we encourage their brains to develop toward self-soothing rather than exploding.
This is far easier said than done — and our skills for keeping ourselves regulated depend on our own emotional story — parents come in a range of patterns of regulation and dysregulation. But a tantrum in the shoe aisle of Target because you won’t buy your 3-year-old a pair of shoes five sizes too big can tap into the most skillful parent’s reaction zone. Parents are human (and tired) so we will always have moments of “losing it.” But the more often we can help our reactions stay somewhat more regulated, the more effective we can be at helping our child come back to themselves as well.
Emotional regulation develops in children just like talking. At first, babies are nothing but a ball of emotional responses — just like they only cry instead of talk. Over time, the brain evolves and matures, and children’s brains gradually develop the circuits that manage emotional responses more effectively, just as they gradually develop language. Big emotions, easy frustration, trouble calming down, and melting down are part of normal development. These mood regulation circuits continue to mature and evolve throughout adolescence. The takeaway is that these skills are always harder for kids than adults. Our job is to provide, model, and teach soothing and regulation while kids are working it out.
A common piece of advice that therapists give to parents is to “Put on your own oxygen mask first,” just like the in-flight instructions. The reasoning is that if you don’t have enough oxygen in your brain, you won’t be able to think clearly to help your child. I love this expression and I use it all the time, but I like to add a concrete step that mimics putting your mask on first: Take your own pulse. When we are angry or frustrated, our body sends out the “fight or flight” signals to our body, including raising our heart rate. In the middle of our big emotions, we aren’t often aware of those physical changes, but noting them and measuring them can be valuable first steps in managing them.
Briefly checking your pulse when you feel your emotional simmer beginning to boil serves as a moment to disrupt the escalation and to get a beat on your own status before you go further. It gives you a chance to assess and respond instead of just responding. Other physiological responses to the big emotions include muscle tension and shortened breath. In that moment you can also slow your breathing down and try to relax your facial muscles. Disrupting these automatic physical responses can redirect from escalation to de-escalation.
When your child experiences big emotions their body reacts the same way yours does — tense muscles, shorter breath, and increased heart rate. They won’t come back to their emotional baseline until their physical responses also settle down. Checking your own heart rate can remind you that similar sensations are happening for your child and that anything you do that pumps up or agitates their nervous system will make it even harder for them to calm down. Re-regulating is a team effort.
If you consistently find yourself struggling to get your own nervous system cooled down, even when you are taking your pulse and checking your breath (or using any other skill that resonates for you), it's ok to ask for help and support. Maybe a partner could engage more actively in these interactions. Maybe a parenting group could help you practice skills. And consider your own needs — are you exhausted or hungry or otherwise not feeling well? Those factors make it hard for anyone to re-regulate their mood reactions (including your child). Could you be experiencing some anxiety or depression or other mental health concerns? If so, speaking to your primary care doctor or a therapist or psychiatrist may be a first step. It's ok — in fact essential — to ask for help if parenting feels overwhelming more often than not. Many parents keep criticizing themselves, thinking they just aren't trying hard enough. Self-compassion, connection, and communication are more important than ever when parenting. You don't have to just tough it out.
Maintaining self-regulation when your child frustrates you or blows up or melts down is one of the most powerful parenting skills you can have in your repertoire. It won’t be accessible to you every time, but working on the skill and using it when you are able can help keep cloudy moments from becoming a storm and storms from becoming a hurricane.
