How You Say No to Your Child Matters

How many times a day do you say no to your child? It could be over 100. Children do not have fully developed brains or enough life experience to understand how the world works. They often ask for things that the parent cannot or should not say yes to. If you are a parent involved in a custody dispute, however, it is even more likely that your child will ask for something you cannot agree to. Your child might be manipulated by the other parent to ask for things that are annoying or unrealistic more often—just to incite conflict between you and your child (Baker, 2007).

Don't make your child feel bad for asking.

Of course, you don't want to give your child ice cream for breakfast or a new puppy if they are allergic or a trip to the moon. Sometimes, the answer cannot be yes. But does it have to be a cold, hard no? No. When you are harsh with your child by saying, "That's ridiculous," or "You know we don't do that," or "Who told you to ask me for that?" you are likely to make your child feel bad about themself and badly about you. That hurts your relationship, the very thing you are trying to avoid. Research has consistently shown that appropriate expectations for children's behavior should be coupled with warmth and acceptance (Baumrind, 1971). This is even more important for parents in custody disputes because the other parent might be reinforcing the child's frustration and hurt.

Instead, join the wish.

What I suggest instead of no is to do something called "joining the wish." To join the wish, you would say, "Oh man, I wish ice cream were a healthy breakfast choice. You can have ice cream later. Now you can choose between waffles or cereal." or "I wish you weren't allergic to dogs. What are some breeds you like? Want to show me some pictures?" or "I wish we could go to the moon. What would you do there?" Warmly engaging with your child while implementing appropriate expectations can help mitigate the child's feelings of shame, disappointment, and anger.

Remember to Connect

No matter what you are doing or saying to your child, whether it is yes, no, or maybe, there is a way to emotionally connect with them so that they feel loved. Say no to no and yes to connection.