Inspired Resolutions

Happy New Year.

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As the end of 2020 approaches, we contemplate changes to make in the new year. We call the changes resolutions (as if these changes are really going to stick this time). But like clockwork, probably before summer, most of us fall back into old routines. While I often work with clients on creating SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound) goals, and this framework is helpful for adopting new habits, sometimes we crave more sweeping, inspired change. These might be resolutions like improving our relationships, increasing connection to and appreciation of our bodies, healing wounds that are holding us back, etc. These types of goals are journeys that take time and resolve and are less amenable to the practical SMART goal rubric. If this is the type of change you seek in the new year, read on for some of my favorite tips from psychology and Buddhism for creating purposeful, lasting changes in your life.

Start With Acceptance

This one is counterintuitive but in order to change, we must truly accept our present circumstances and functioning. For example, many of us will create a resolution to “get healthier” in the new year. Under the traditional framework, guilt about being “lazy” and shame over our appearance would drive the change in behavior. Instead, I recommend bringing a more compassionate mindset to reflect on and truly understand your present reality. For instance, perhaps you have been prioritizing your family or your work instead of yourself. Or perhaps you manage stress or anxiety by watching TV, scrolling on your phone, or eating snacks; and these comforts have been difficult to give up during such a difficult year. There are many reasons why we do what we do; usually they make sense. Our behaviors typically reflect our best efforts to meet our needs for love, comfort, connection, relaxation, pleasure, etc. Take time now to consider the core needs that you have been trying to meet through your current habits. Accept that you have these needs. There is no reason to judge or punish yourself for having them; instead, accept them. With compassionate self-understanding, you are more likely to create and successfully nurture realistic resolutions, and you will be more likely to continue working toward your best self in the new year—and beyond.

Use Affirmative Language

Write down your resolutions in affirmative language. This means defining what you will do, rather than what you won’t do. For example, instead of “quitting smoking,” use language like “respecting my body” or “prioritizing my health.” Under either of these resolutions, reducing or stopping smoking becomes a priority but not the only goal. This language is positive, empowering, and broad; meaning that you can work toward your objectives in multiple ways each day. Having various ways to meet goals helps maintain momentum and encourages us to make mindful choices consistent with our long-term aspirations when opportunities arise. Having broad, aspirational goals also reduces binary thought processes (e.g., I succeeded or I failed), which have been shown to limit our ability to bounce back from setbacks when we try new things like a new diet or budget.

Visualize Your Desires

Clarify what you wish for yourself through visualizing having accomplished your goals and resolutions. What does it look like? How do you look? What does the world around you look like? How do you feel? Close your eyes and visualize a world where you have implemented your desired changes. Write down the most important reasons for desiring change and any ideas and inspirational statements that come to mind. Keep these handy to reference when your motivation sags and feel free to update and revise it as you make progress on your journey.

Emphasize Mindful Intention

Mindful intention means striving to grow and being present through the ups and downs of the process. It is of course possible to build new habits simply by adding to-dos to our calendars, but meaningful and sustained change requires full engagement and focus. For example, the impact of working out while watching TV is measurably less than the impact of working out while focusing on the exercise experience. It doesn’t mean working out while watching TV isn’t an excellent way to build a workout habit—it is! But inspired, meaningful resolutions are built upon engagement with the process of change, including diving deeply into the reasons behind and even the discomfort (yup—sorry!) of change. This process includes thoughtfully clarifying your intentions and then being present—nonjudgmentally—during the process. It also means emphasizing the quality and spirit of your efforts, rather than focusing primarily on the outcomes of your actions.

For example, if your intention in the new year is to improve your relationship with your spouse, get really clear on why this goal is relevant and important to you and what a better relationship would look like. Then brainstorm behaviors you can work on, like being a better listener, creating opportunities for shared enjoyment, or increasing small gestures of affection or appreciation. Notice that these aren’t things you can just put on a to-do list. Rather, they require being mentally and emotionally present for opportunities to engage with your partner in this new way again and again. You will also want to reflect on how these behaviors felt to you, to see how they felt to your partner, and to absorb the benefits or learn from missteps. This worthwhile process builds with time and yet the intention gets reestablished each day or even multiple times per day.

Trust the Universe

Finally, meaningful change requires using wisdom to integrate feedback from the universe in order to determine a feasible timeline. Alas, just because you want something to happen right now doesn’t mean that now is the right time. For example, if you set a goal to run a marathon but find yourself injured again and again, you should reassess the intent of your original goal. Was it about improving your health? Challenging yourself? Maybe you just wanted to create more “me time” in your schedule? Return to your original intention—the meaning of your goal—and consider other ways to continue striving while respecting the message your body or the universe is sending. To help avoid giving up on your goals, remain flexible enough to adapt when your plan isn’t working, and revise your choices accordingly.

Inspired in 2021

I hope these strategies help support your efforts in the coming year. Meaningful change is not easy but the effort is never wasted. Even when the results aren’t what we thought they’d be, we learn and grow from the process. I wish you success on your journey and hope you achieve your dreams in 2021!