This Sunday, millions of Americans will fire up the grill and celebrate dear old dad. Some fathers will cheer as they unwrap the new high-tech gadget they’ve been eyeing, while others will muster up a grin and 'gee, thanks' as they model their brand-new necktie. Father’s Day, first celebrated in Spokane, Washington in 1910, is the day when we honor and celebrate the men who have supported, taught, and nurtured us—some with tough love, some with warmth, and some at a cool arm’s length.
But for many Americans, Father’s Day is bittersweet, marked by fading memories of what dad was like before he died, or musings about what "could have been…" if our fathers were still alive today. My father died prematurely in 1992, so I have now spent almost half of my 48 years without a living dad (or a Father's Day celebration).
I’m not alone. Millions of Americans have lost a father—far more than those who have lost a mother. Because men typically die seven years younger than women, the majority of adults in their mid-40s and older have lost a father to death. Among Americans age 50 and older, two-thirds have lost a father, while just one-third have survived the death of their mother. Some lost their father suddenly and unexpectedly, to a heart attack, car accident, or, even more dire, to suicide or murder. My father, like many blue-collar men of his generation who worked under grueling conditions in factories, farms, mines, and machine shops, died following a long-term chronic illness. Whether death comes suddenly (and surprisingly) or slowly (and expectedly), it's never easy, although with time the sadness diminishes. Still, on Father’s Day, pangs of bittersweet nostalgia can re-emerge—especially if your friends’ Facebook pages show off joyous scenes from their own celebrations of Pop.
So, how do you survive Father's Day, when your dad is no longer around? First, show your gratitude to the other "father-like" men in your life—whether an uncle, an older brother, or even a workplace mentor who helped you to become who you are today. Second, relish your memories of your favorite moments with your dad. This can be especially rewarding for those with siblings, who can share a good laugh about dad’s crazy antics and endearing (or embarrassing) habits. It’s not "clinging to the past" or "failing to move forward" when we celebrate memories of a dad who has passed. Bereavement researchers emphasize the importance of "continuing bonds" with our deceased loved ones. Thinking about how they might advise us when we’re faced with a challenge, or musing over how proud they would have been of our latest accomplishment are mental exercises that can make us feel better and connect us to the past in healthy ways.
How can you support friends, for whom celebratory BBQs with dad are a thing of the past? Simple: ask questions about him. We’re often afraid to ask our friends and family members about their loved ones who have died. We worry that we’ll upset them, or that it's awkward to talk about the dead. My experience as a bereavement researcher has taught me one thing: people are dying to talk about their deceased relatives (no pun intended). They want to share their memories, their funny stories, or even recount the details of their loved one’s death—trying to make sense of what happened on that fateful day. Survivors often have few opportunities to talk about their loved ones who have passed; they’re afraid that they’ll be a "downer" at a party, or that it seems like they’re clinging to a ghost from the past. Providing an opportunity to talk about the dads who are no longer with us can be cathartic for the survivor. And, nine times out of ten, these conversations will be filled with funny stories from childhood or amusing accounts of how we’ve inherited some of our dad's quirks—his corny sense of humor, tireless work ethic, or penchant for singing loudly in 'fake opera' voice. This can help to make Father's Day a celebration of all dads, even those no longer with us.