3 Reasons Your Teenager Probably Isn't a Narcissist

In recent years, narcissism has received more attention than ever before. Unfortunately, this has not always correlated with an increased understanding of narcissistic personality disorder.

Through social media, people are often encouraged to "diagnose" individuals in their lives with narcissism based on lists of dislikable traits that do not always correlate with the condition. While some survivors of emotional abuse have found this information helpful in understanding tactics of manipulation, there is a nasty dark side.

Arguably among the most concerning trends involving narcissistic personality is parents labeling their children with the condition. Once a child's behavior is viewed through this lens, the child is at risk of being demonized and less likely to receive what they need. Rather than being offered the intensive psychotherapeutic treatments that are available to adults with the condition, such as mentalization-based therapy (Drozek and Unrah, 2020), the youth is more likely to be scapegoated in the family and given a message that they are "bad.'"

A teen who sees themselves as "bad" is set to continue acting in ways others see as "bad." Their self-worth is bound to drop. If they are dealing with something more severe, like depression, they may lose trust in family and other adults, making them less likely to discuss what they are going through.

Youths struggling with developing attachment and personality difficulties deserve love and help. Shame is the opposite of this. Treatment of any other health condition in this way would constitute abuse. The reality is that most of these children do not have a narcissistic personality disorder.

Here are three reasons why your child probably does not have a narcissistic personality disorder and what you can do if you are concerned about your child's attitudes and behavior.

1. The adolescent personality is not stable. Between the ages of 12 and 20, humans go through a stage of rapid change. These are the years we discover who we are and experiment with different styles, preferences, and relationships (Klimstra et al., 2013). The teenage brain undergoes extensive fine-tuning, and it is not until our mid- to late 20s that the brain is developed. An area of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex, which is believed to be involved in much of the stabilities of our personalities, especially undergoes growth at this time (Li et al., 2020). Many of the challenges in our ways of relating to self and others change during adolescence. Someone's personality must be adequately formed to be disordered.

2. Teens are egocentric (and should be). Among the qualities that define narcissistic personality disorder is an overfocus on self to the exclusion of others. An adult with narcissistic personality disorder will typically come across as having a grandiose self-worth, a detached way of relating to others, and a marked absence of awareness (or interest) regarding others' emotions.

Yet an egocentric approach to life is expected in adolescence (Schwartz et al., 2008). Our teen years are often our time to explore and for the spotlight to be on us. While some teens are highly empathic, our capacity for empathy as adults is usually greater than when we were teens. What would be concerning behavior for an adult is quite normal for many teens.

3. Narcissistic personality disorder is rarely diagnosed in teens. While there is some controversy about the diagnosis of emerging personality disorders in adolescence, particularly with regards to borderline personality disorder, personality disorders are rarely diagnosed in teens because the personality must be complete to be disordered. Outside of borderline personality disorder, a diagnosis of a personality disorder before the age of 18 is exceptionally rare.

In addition, borderline personality in itself is a controversial diagnosis, and many experts have challenged whether it is a personality disorder at all or a complex manifestation of a trauma-induced disorder (Lewis and Grenyer, 2009).

Is Your Teen Giving You a Hard Time or Having a Hard Time?

When an adolescent struggles with challenging behaviors, it affects the whole family. Parents and siblings who are hurting need a place to express themselves. Still, adolescents often display their troubles in their behavior and mood rather than vocalizing these out loud. A teen who is having a difficult time can be mistaken for a teen who is giving everyone else a hard time.

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If your teen displays attributes like defiance, difficulties relating to others, irritability, or disrespect to an extreme, it's time to get help. Sometimes these displays are typical parts of growing up. Other times, they can be a sign of something more concerning, such as undisclosed trauma, anxiety disorders, or mood disorders.

Many youth are not forthcoming about what they are experiencing. Sometimes this is because they don't understand it themselves. Other times, ironically, it is because they don't want to burden their families. Youths might fantasize or lie to feel better. They might also genuinely have different perspectives on what is happening in the home than parents do. For adults interacting with them, this can feel like gaslighting, inciting anger.

In addition, neurodivergent youth are primed to act out when faced with a world where their needs might not be readily recognized or met. In the extreme, meltdowns or mindstorms can show up along with aggression. Some teens might be able to hold back or "keep it together" throughout the school day only to flip at home. This difference between behavior at home and school can make it look more intentional.

Effective intervention often includes components of individual therapy and family therapy. It's important to know that the family aspect is not because you as parents are to blame for your child's issues. When something of this nature affects the entire family, the whole family often needs support. Through family and individual interventions, there is hope.

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