Why Are People Mad?: Autism, Double Empathy, and Boundaries

"Why are people so mad at me?" This is a question I asked myself repeatedly growing up. Whether it was my frustrated grade school teacher trying to ask me to put on my shoes only to find I chose not to wear them that day or the puzzlingly irritated look on my college roommates when I announced I was going to fetch my mail and returned with just my own, most times I found myself at odds with others, it was a surprise. It was only after years of life, relationships, and learning about myself and others that I made sense of it all, discovering that my preferences were often quite different from others and that courtesy for me would mean taking a few extra steps as well as speaking openly about my wishes.

Autism and Double Empathy

The double empathy problem is a paradox first identified by autistic researcher Dr. Damian Milton, which describes how misunderstandings occur when two people who experience the world very differently communicate. It's particularly relevant in conversations between autistic people and neurotypicals. Let me explain.

We naturally understand people who think and feel similarly to ourselves. Variations in outlook are common, yet when people have different neurotypes, communication is more likely to break down due to differences in preferences, social styles, processing, emotional experience, and other areas (Milton et al., 2022). So, for example, as I grabbed my mail from the mailbox as a college student, I thought that just taking my mail while leaving everyone else's made sense. I don't like people to touch my things, and I assume others don't want me to handle theirs. It did not even cross my mind that my roommate would be shocked by what she saw as a shameless display of my self-centeredness.

Double empathy is a well-researched phenomenon at this point and does not just affect autistic people's guesses at neurotypical emotions; neurotypical people's understanding of autistics is also affected. A study that provided 81 participants from the general population with a personal narrative written by an autistic or nonautistic person found significantly lower empathy accuracy scores when the reader was approached with an autistic account (Cheang et al., 2024). Another study that assigned autistic and nonautistic people to engage in a conversation task while another person observed found that observers consistently rated conversations between people of similar neurotypes (autistic with autistic and nonautistic with nonautistic) to be going more smoothly (Jones et al., 2023).

What Does This Have to Do with Boundaries?

While sometimes boundaries are explicitly set by ourselves or others, often boundaries are inferred and contextual. For example, we might guess how much information to reveal about ourselves to a given person in a given role and situation. When two people create those inferences based on different experiences of the social world, conclusions are bound to deviate some.

For this reason, boundaries between neurotypical and autistic people often go unrecognized, and boundary violations may be viewed as intentional when, in fact, they were not. When we make assumptions and don't correct the misunderstanding, this can lead to the "surprise anger" I described earlier.

What Can We Do About It?

Three things can be extremely helpful in setting boundaries between neurotypical and autistic people.

1. Clear Communication

It is easy for hints to go unnoticed, especially in mixed-neurotype interactions. For this reason, boundaries may need to be set explicitly. For example, discuss upfront how late is too late to call or let someone know the first time when the boundary has been broken.

2. Avoid Assumptions

It's easy to make assumptions when someone does not appreciate our boundaries. Still, sometimes, it is truly the case that someone does not know of the boundary or its significance. If someone breaks your boundary, ask questions before making judgments.

3. Ask Questions

Sometimes, we can be quick to assume others share our preferences, as both my roommate and I did with the mail. Still, when interacting with someone who might experience the world a bit differently, small questions about preferences might go a long way. This might be a question such as, "Do you prefer music as we drive or silence?" Or asking, "Are you cool with hugs?" before presuming that the person you are talking with has the same likings that you have

Conclusion

Double empathy can make setting boundaries between people of different neurotypes more complex. Still, with clear communication, an open mind, and curiosity, it is possible to approach each other with kindness and respect.