Why Won’t My Adult Child Confide in Me?

In close, healthy relationships, adult children may confide in their parents when something goes wrong. When they choose not to reach out to their parents, a few reasons might be at play.

1. The child feels ashamed.

Sometimes, adult children do not confide in their parents because they carry internalized shame about the issues they want to share. If that child has struggled in a contentious marriage, an unfulfilling job, or with a spirited child, they may feel like they have failed. This feeling of failure and shame then causes them to withdraw rather than seek out support from those best equipped to help them through it.

Children may also worry that their parents will think less of them based on their struggles. This can be either because of the child’s misconstrued ideas about their parents or based on cues the parents have sent their child.

2. The child often receives unwanted responses.

Some adult children stop confiding in their parents after a repeated pattern of responses that leave them feeling worse than when they began. This can look like the parent offering unsolicited advice when only validation is needed, making fun of the adult child, downplaying their pain, labeling them, or judging them.

The more often the child receives these responses, the less likely they are to seek out that parent for support and wisdom. The parent may not even realize how they are responding and then feel utterly baffled and hurt by their adult child’s withdrawal.

3. The parent responds to their child’s worries with their own overwhelm.

For some adult children, the idea of confiding in a parent means enduring their parent’s overwhelm in response. Clients often tell me that when they do try to share something important and stressful with their parent, the parent responds with so much anxiety that the child then turns into the caretaker. The adult child then walks away from the conversation feeling both drained by their parent’s anxiety and feeling unsupported. This pattern leads them to seek support elsewhere.

4. Parents approach their child’s pain with ulterior motives.

Some parents alienate their adult children by responding to their pain with advice that serves the parent’s agenda rather than addressing the child’s needs.

Consider an adult child who feels dissatisfied at work. The parent may take the opportunity to encourage the child to switch into an industry the parent would prefer to see them in, rather than addressing their child’s pain. These ulterior motives quickly remove trust from the relationship and that child is likely to seek support elsewhere.

5. The relationship lacks closeness more generally.

To confide in a parent, the adult child will need to feel generally close to their parent in ways other than support seeking. This means that the parent and child bond over things like shared interests, family gatherings, and values. When those things are lacking, an adult child is unlikely to confide in that person because confidence must be earned.

How Not to Solve the Problem

Some parents try to gain their child’s confidence by simply asking the child to confide in them more. Parents may even demand it or use guilt to indicate that the parent is owed that level of closeness.

This tactic will ultimately backfire. Why? A person cannot demand closeness and receive it genuinely. Closeness and confidence are earned. Adult children who start confiding in their parents to satisfy that parent’s wish for closeness will continue to feel distant and may grow resentful of the new obligation without any of the relief that comes from speaking to a true confidante.

What Should a Parent Do Instead?

Parents who want their child to confide in them can do a few things.

First, check in. Parents might say something like, “I want to be a source of support for you when you’re upset or stressed. How can I best do that?”

And then? Listen. This is the hard part. If the adult child says that they do not lean on their parent for support because that parent often downplays their feelings, that is an opportunity to learn. It's so easy to get defensive. If it is because the child feels distant, the two can discuss growing a closer relationship in mutually desired ways. If the child feels overwhelming shame, a parent can seek out new ways to reassure their child that they are a safe person to speak with.