8 Ways Parents Sabotage Conversations with Adult Children

1. Unsolicited advice-giving. When an adult child approaches their parent with a problem, parents may immediately jump into solution mode and try to fix it. And while some adult children find that helpful, others find it premature, looking instead to feel understood and validated before, or instead of, solution-seeking. Adult children often tell me that they wish their parents would meet them where they are by empathizing with them and trying to understand how they feel. They want to hear: “That sounds like a hard day, honey.” Or “I have total confidence that you can handle this.” I often remind those adult children that it is okay to ask for what they need, telling their parents: “I’m just venting right now.” “I’m just looking for some reassurance, I’m not in solution mode.” Parents can help clear up these frustrating interactions by asking: "Are you looking for advice or would you just like me to listen?” From there, both the parent and adult child can get on the same page.

2. Reminders to be grateful. When met with their child’s issue, parents may try to help their child see the bright side of things or find gratitude during adversity. This typically backfires. Why? While gratitude is an excellent tool when a person finds it for themselves, it can feel dismissive when offered by somebody else. It can feel like somebody telling them not to feel how they feel and that their problems do not warrant negative feelings. It sends the message that the listener isn’t really comfortable holding space for negative feelings and would prefer if you could skip to feeling better. Parents can avoid this pitfall by holding back their suggestions for gratitude and instead listening actively to their child’s experiences, even if that feels less proactive.

3. Jealous comments. Some parents envy their child, as in the case of children who experience more financial success than their parents. In these cases, when the child approaches their parents with an issue at work, the parent may respond that it “must be nice” to have such cushy problems to worry about. Much like the ‘just be grateful”, this response sends the message that the person suffering is not entitled to their pain because of their relative privilege. It says “as long as you have it better than I have it, you won’t get any empathy from me.” In reality, we know that people in all types of scenarios suffer. Parents can start to address this by noticing their own feelings and refraining from these sorts of statements. And if they feel up for addressing this, the adult child may say something like “it’s really hard to share things with you when I hear that.”

4. Making the conversation about the parent. Another common dynamic occurs when an adult child brings their parent an issue and instead of engaging with it, they make the conversation about themselves. They talk about a similar experience they had or ignore the child’s issue entirely to focus on their own concerns. Some parents may do this inadvertently or absent-mindedly. Some may not know how to sit with their child’s experience except by relating it to themselves. Still, others are self-centered and struggle to engage about anybody other than themselves. An adult child can start to help the parent notice this tendency and articulate what they need, “I need to keep this about me right now,” and parents can work to notice this pattern in themselves and try instead to focus on their child’s experience.

5. Joking about it. Some parents, in an effort to lighten the mood, immediately turn to humor when their child approaches them with an issue. This may be because the parent struggles to sit with difficult emotions or is not sure how to address what their child is saying. Either way, humor, which works wonders in many situations, often backfires in this one. It tends to feel dismissive, like the parent cannot or will not listen to their child’s pain and isn’t willing to be helpful. The key is not to abandon humor altogether, but to use it strategically when the situation feels thoroughly processed and the child is ready to laugh about it.

6. Labeling the child. Sometimes, an adult child will bring a problem to their parent and be met with an old childhood label to explain what is happening. An issue at work? "Well, you’ve always been the sensitive one.” A hurtful joke? “Yeah, you’ve never been able to take a joke.” An argument with a friend? “You’ve always been the angry one.” These labels reduce the child to a caricature of themselves and put them in a box that can feel difficult to escape. Instead of speaking to the situation, the child is immediately faulted and that fault is attributed to a static characteristic. The label may be something the child has been trying to escape for years.

7. Awkwardness and uncertainty. Some parents respond to their children with some combination of awkward gestures. This might look like the parents responding to their child’s problem by sitting quietly, turning away, changing the subject, joking, or shutting down. This type of response often reflects the parent’s lack of tools to meet their child’s needs. These parents are well-meaning but ill-equipped to help that child. In these situations, the adult child can help guide their parent by telling them the kinds of things they want to hear.

8. Shifting attention to the parent's anxiety about the child's issue. Some parents respond to their child’s issues by getting so overwhelmed that the child must then support their parent and reassure them. The parent might convey how much they love their child and how they hate to see them struggling or in pain. While a nice sentiment, this anxious response hijacks the conversation and communicates to the child that the parent isn’t equipped to be helpful.

Many of these types of responses are well-meaning. Some are self-centered. Some are simply a product of how the parent themselves learned to address difficulties in their own life. It may reflect how their own parents responded to them. All of these approaches leave some room for growth through open, honest conversation. As in all parent-adult child dynamics, both parties can take initiative to articulate their needs and be open to hearing feedback about how to support one another.

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